EPISODE 1 - TRANSCRIPT

DR. AMAZING (booming and theatrical)

My dearest children. It is I, Dr. Amazing, inventor of scientific marvels, savior of mankind! If you’re reading this, I am already dead.

Perhaps I exploded while bravely rescuing those lemurs I accidentally left on the moon! Perhaps I was poisoned while taste- testing some cutting-edge innovation in taco technology. What’s important is that I’m dead and there’s no need to look into the matter too closely because I am definitely dead.

“So,” you may ask, “what’s next?” Well, my children, you are what’s next!

Joshua. You are now the head of Amazing Labs. Congratulations! The reputation, the honor and the legacy of Amazing Labs now rest in your hands.

And Frankie. My dear Frankie. You too have a critical role to play in Amazing Labs’ future. You must... stay indoors and watch television! Knowledge of your existence will only get everyone’s undies in a bunch about “violations against the laws of nature,” so just... sit back and let your brother handle things. I put sixteen seasons of The Bachelor on the DVR and there’s a very challenging Where’s Waldo puzzle in the closet, so that should keep you occupied until society opens its mind and/or my IP expires.

My children. Amazing Labs is at a cross-roads and the world is depending on you to bring it into a bright new future. So don’t screw it up!

HIS VOICE ECHOES and THE MUSIC FADES.

STACY

Josh? Josh!

JOSH (out of it)

Yes daddy?
(he clears his throat and lowers his voice)
I mean, yes, important producer lady?

STACY
I said, we’re live in five. Are you ready?

JOSH
I’m better than ready. I’m Amazing.
Get it? Cause my last name is--

STACY
Yeah I get it. Okay people, we’re back in 3, 2, 1--

TEDDY SHOW MUSIC and APPLAUSE

TEDDY (British)

Thank you, thank you. Welcome back to The Teddy Show, where I shine a light on today’s news, like a spelunker for truth inside a cave of boring lies. I’m your host, Teddy Bright, and we have a very exciting guest on the show tonight. He’s the only child of beloved scientist Dr. Amazing and, after his father’s tragic and frankly very strange death, he is now the head of Amazing Labs at only 26 years old. Please welcome... Josh Amazing!

APPLAUSE as Josh walks confidently out onto the stage.

JOSH
Hello! Hi everyone. Thank you, thank you.

TEDDY
Please Josh, have a seat. Welcome to the show.

JOSH
Thanks, Teddy. I can’t wait to discuss my father’s greatest achievements with you tonight. Remember that time he cured cancer?

The audience CHEERS.

JOSH
And who can forget those self-tying shoelaces?

The audience CHEERS EVEN LOUDER.

TEDDY
We look forward to hearing all about your leadership of Amazing Labs and how you can possibly hope to measure up to your father’s incredible genius. But first, we have another guest to welcome to the show!

JOSH
Wait, another guest? I thought this was my show. I mean, your show, about me.

TEDDY
As we say on The Teddy Show, every point deserves a counter-point. Our next guest is an Earth Enthusiast and a card-carrying member of Nature’s Children... Ethel, uh, “Last Names Are A Tool Of The Techno-Bourgeoisie,” welcome to the show!

The audience APPLAUDS.

JOSH
Wait, Nature’s Children? THE Nature’s Children? The Nature’s Children that murdered my dad?!?

CUT TO THEME SONG

TEDDY
Welcome to The Teddy Show, Ethel.

ETHEL
Appearing on television is a stain on my eternal soul but someone needs to speak up against Amazing Labs.

TEDDY
Charming. Now Joshua, come back over here and sit down. Surely you don’t believe that a harmless nature club—

JOSH
—nature CULT—

TEDDY
—is responsible for your father’s demise. Didn’t the police determine that he perished at the hands of that jar-opening robot? When they found him, all that remained was a blood-stained lab coat and an open jar of pickles.

JOSH
It was a set-up! Mr. Twisty Wrists was framed!

ETHEL
One might ask why “Mr. Twisty Wrists,” a perversion of the miracle of life, was even necessary to open something that should be stored in a burlap sack like nature intended.

JOSH
First you kill my father and then you insult pickle jars??

TEDDY
Josh, Ethel, please. We’re not here to open a forensic investigation nor to debate the merits of canning technology. Josh, do you have any evidence that Nature’s Children was involved in your father’s death?

JOSH (muttering bitterly)
I would if the FBI would let me use our genetically engineered super- bloodhounds.

TEDDY
Then let’s leave this matter to the authorities and get on to the topic at hand. I brought you both on the show tonight to discuss Dr. Amazing’s final and most incredible invention... tiny robots that cure cancer!

The audience APPLAUDS.

JOSH
They’re called nanobots, Teddy, and they’re the greatest invention of all time. What marvels has Nature’s Children created, besides smelly wet pickle sacks?

ETHEL
”Creating,” as you call it, is not the domain of mankind. What right do we have to meddle in the natural cycle of life and death and fermentation?

JOSH
So you’re pro-cancer, then. You love cancer.

ETHEL
What I LOVE is not being infected with thousands of nanobots against my will! Why should we trust these mechanical parasites? Nobody knows how they work!

JOSH
I know how they work!

TEDDY
Please, explain it to us.

JOSH
... well, somebody knows how they work. My dad knew how they work!

ETHEL
And now he’s dead. How inconvenient.

JOSH
Look, the nanobots would never hurt anyone. My dad invented them. He’s perfect! I mean THEY’RE perfect. The nanobots are perfect.

TEDDY
Right. Well perhaps you could tell us just how Dr. Amazing conceived of such a life-changing miracle?

Ethel SCOFFS.

JOSH
Unfortunately Teddy, the nanobots’ origin is an Amazing Family secret. But what I can tell you is that they get stronger every day. Only six months after my father first implanted them in a few test patients, the nanobots have now spread from the Greater Wauwatosa Metro Area to every human on the planet. They want to learn. They want to fight cancer. Isn’t that cool? They’re so cool.

ETHEL
Even if Dr. Amazing knew what he was doing, even if his inventions weren’t sins against nature, why should we trust you? You’re just some doofus who happens to be his son.

TEDDY
An interesting point. Elaborate on that.

ETHEL
You’re worse than evil, you’re incompetent. You’ll always be in your father’s shadow.

TEDDY (enjoying this)

Like a tiny prehistoric shrew quivering in the shadow of a dinosaur?

Ethel BARKS OUT A LAUGH.

JOSH
I am not a shrew! I have lots of ideas for new inventions, inventions that are way better than curing cancer!

ETHEL
Of course you do, little shrew.

JOSH
Hey shrew you!

TEDDY
Come on, Josh, just a tiny the audience? The suspense giving me wrinkles.

ETHEL
He doesn’t have any ideas.

JOSH
I do so!

ETHEL
Then give us one example. One invention that measures up to your father’s work.

JOSH (blurting out)
The SeatBalt!

TEDDY
... I’m sorry, what was that ghastly collection of phonemes?

JOSH
The SeatBalt! Ugh, you guys made me mess up the whole thing. I wasn’t gonna announce this until I’d practiced in the mirror a little more, like maybe next week, but… fine.

He CLEARS HIS THROAT dramatically, trying to emulate Dad.

JOSH (CONT’D)
Mankind has cured many diseases in its time: cholera, polio, and now cancer. But there is still one blight that has plagued humanity since the invention of the automobile over a century ago. I have cured... car accidents!

The audience APPLAUDS, a little confused.

TEDDY
No no no, don’t applaud that. What do you mean you’ve “cured car accidents”?

ETHEL
Internal combustion is the spark of the devil.

TEDDY
Josh, what do you mean “cured car accidents”?

JOSH
I’ve invented a new device that activates on the moment of impact and can save millions of lives. It’s a bubble made from cutting-edge plastic and helium that deploys at the first sign of trouble, launching the driver away from their vehicle to safety.

ETHEL
“Launching them”?

JOSH
To saaafety! It also comes with Bluetooth speakers, a customizable air freshener, and an espresso machine!

TEDDY
Now why would a safety bubble need an espresso machine?

JOSH
Who doesn’t enjoy a good mid-air macchiato, am I right? And it turned out to be a good addition, actually, because it... well, it might take slightly longer, in some cases, for the bubble to come… back down.

ETHEL
There it is.

JOSH
We’ll have the problem fixed soon! It’s just a tiny fundamental flaw in the wiring.

ETHEL
The nanobots may be a crime against nature, but at least they’re not flinging people into the sky and trapping them there like, like--

TEDDY
Like helpless little fairies inside of demented birthday balloons? (he clears his throat pointedly)
Excuse me, I believe a Boo is appropriate?

The audience BOOs Josh.

JOSH (pleading)
You don’t understand, this is more than a safety device. It’s a safety experience!

ETHEL
And I’m sure the victims trapped inside their bubbles will truly cherish their experience.

JOSH
They totally will!

TEDDY
Well, that’s all we have time for tonight!

JOSH
What?? But--

TEDDY
This has been another fascinating evening of Point-Counterpoint here on The Teddy Show. If you enjoyed tonight’s program, please tweet at the network and tell those cheap bastards to keep us on the air.

JOSH
But we barely even talked about the nanobots and how great Amazing Labs is!

TEDDY
I’m Teddy Bright, shining a light. Thanks for watching and... try to stay on the ground.

The TEDDY BRIGHT SHOW MUSIC plays once more.

APPLAUSE. EXT/INT. LIMO - NIGHT

Josh trudges a few steps with a SIGH, OPENS and SLAMS A CAR DOOR CLOSED. A quick series of BEEPS as Tony the Robot Chauffeur boots up.

TONY THE ROBOT CHAUFFEUR (Chicago tough guy voice)
Oh hey dere boss. You give ‘em the ole one-two punch?

JOSH
You know what, Tony? I tried. I really tried.

TONY THE ROBOT CHAUFFEUR
Well don’t you worry, boss, you’ll get ‘em next time. Nobody’s got a genius brain like you.

JOSH
Thanks. I know Dad programmed you to say that, but it still means a lot.

TONY THE ROBOT CHAUFFEUR
We goin back to Wisconsin, boss?

JOSH
Yeah. Just take me home.

An ENGINE REVS.

TONY THE ROBOT CHAUFFEUR
You got it. Fanta for your troubles? I got your classic orange, I got your Melon Frosty, I got your Pina Colada...

JOSH
Just give me a squirt of everything. It’s been a rough night. And get my sister on the phone.

TONY THE ROBOT CHAUFFEUR
You got it, boss.

A PHONE RINGS.

FRANKIE (on the phone)
Why are you calling me, Josh? It’s late and I’m watching TV.

JOSH
Did you see The Teddy Show? I can’t believe he sicced those nature freaks on me, it was so unfair!

FRANKIE
I told you this was a bad idea.

JOSH
You did not!

FRANKIE
Didn’t I? Hmm. I guess I thought “the only child of Dr. Amazing” would’ve figured it out on his own.

JOSH
This is bigger than you and me, Frankie! This is about the lab! This is about Dad!

FRANKIE (bitter)
It’s always about Dad.

JOSH
Exactly! Ugh, why do those earth jerks hate the nanobots so much? I’m telling you, they murdered Dad, I just know it.

FRANKIE
I still don’t think a bunch of tree huggers from Canada could pull off the assassination of the century.

JOSH
Dad’s will had maple syrup on it, remember? He was trying to send us a message.

FRANKIE
Yeah, and that message was “I love waffles.” Are we done here?

JOSH
No! The SeatBalt is a disaster! I need you to tell the techs to start working on fixes to the altitude problem while Tony drives me home.

FRANKIE
Hey, I’m already doing my job, which is... let me check my notes here... to stay indoors and watch TV. So all of this kinda sounds like a You Problem.

JOSH
But--

FRANKIE
Goodbye, Josh.

And she hangs up.

JOSH
No! Arrrrghhh!

INT. FRANKIE’S POD - CONTINUOUS
Frankie puts her cell phone down on a table.

FRANKIE (muttering to herself)
Yeah Dad, put Josh in charge. He’s clearly more qualified than me and won’t immediately set the lab on fire.

She turns back on the TV: a nature documentary.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR (soothing, Attenborough-like voice)
Welcome to another episode of “Our Technically Still Living Planet.” Today we’re examining Lumbricus Rubellus, commonly known as the dung worm. Small but noble, the dung worm is a crucial part of Nature’s fragile ecosystem.

FRANKIE
Hey good news bro, you’re a crucial part of Nature’s fragile ecosystem.

Suddenly the LAB PHONE RINGS. Frankie PAUSES the TV.

FRANKIE (muttering to herself)
More calls, why more calls?

(she picks up, annoyed) Hello?

REPORTER (on the phone)
Hi, this is Rachel Hansen calling from the Sun Times. I have a few questions for Mr. Amazing.

FRANKIE
“Mister” Amazing is still on his way back from Chicago. You’ll have to call back later. Or, preferably, never.

REPORTER
Maybe you can answer my questions.

FRANKIE
I sincerely hope not.

REPORTER
Why would Mr. Amazing publicly announce the SeatBalt if Amazing Labs was aware of the product’s dangerous defect?

FRANKIE
No comment.

REPORTER
Do you think Dr. Amazing would approve of the job that his son has been doing so far?

FRANKIE
I’m hanging up now.

REPORTER
Isn’t this nepotism? Wasn’t there someone else more qualified to run the lab in Dr. Amazing’s stead?

FRANKIE
Look. Is Josh dangerously incompetent? Sure. Would literally anyone do a better job than him? Yes. Was Josh chosen to run this lab because despite being an idiot he’s still a normal-looking human who isn’t cursed to spend his days as a shameful secret hovering in the shadows? Obviously.

Um. Right. So none of that is on the record.

REPORTER
Who is this?

FRANKIE
Nobody. I’m just the night janitor and this is my first day. Night. This interview is over.

She hurriedly HANGS UP THE PHONE.

FRANKIE
Well. That was... not great.

(a beat; flippantly) Oh well.

She returns to her pod and turns the TV back on.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR
Most species of worm will burrow underground when their environment becomes uncomfortably hot. If a worm is stranded alone, it becomes an easy meal for predatory birds flying above.

Suddenly a METAL CRASH rings out.

SUNAN
(shouting from across the lab)
Sorry Miss Amazing!

Frankie sighs heavily and pauses the TV again. She walks across the lab.

FRANKIE
Why are you still here, Sunan? It’s late.

SUNAN
I heard Mr. Amazing announce the SeatBalt tonight, and also announce the SeatBallt’s critically dangerous design flaw, so--

FRANKIE
So what? It’s not your job to fix his screw-ups.

SUNAN
It literally is though.

FRANKIE
Not after 9PM it’s not. I’m an Amazing too, and I’m telling you to go home.

SUNAN
But the SeatBalt--

FRANKIE
--will be just as stupid in the morning. Go home. Get some sleep.

SUNAN (reluctantly)
At least let me fix the air freshener. The cucumber melon still smells like... pumpkin ennui?

FRANKIE
Go home, Sunan.

SUNAN
Oh! And I placed this week’s round of signed NDAs on your brother’s desk, but I was thinking we might need to add a few lines about tonight’s... media kerfuffle?

FRANKIE
Good night, Sunan.

SUNAN
... Good night, Miss Amazing. See you tomorrow.

They leave and Frankie walks back to her TV.

FRANKIE (muttering to herself)FRANKIE
SeatBalt. Josh deserves to be kicked in the SeatBalls for coming up with such a ridiculous name.

She returns to her pod and TURNS THE TV BACK ON.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR (on TV)
In times of stress, dung worms burrow deeper into their pile of manure, as it provides the insulation they require from the uncomfortable world above. Huh. Almost seems like that could be a metaphor for something.

Josh bursts into the lab. A HEAVY DOOR SLAMS. Frankie pauses the TV.

JOSH (breathless)
Did they fix it?

FRANKIE
Did who fix what?

JOSH
The SeatBalt, what else!? Ugh, some Frankenstein you are.

FRANKIE
For the last time, Igor is the hideously deformed lab assistant, not Frankenstein. I might be hideously deformed but I am not your assistant. And to answer your question, Sunan was the only tech usual, and I told them to go home.

JOSH
What? Why??

FRANKIE
Because it’s late. And this is a professional business. You know we really don’t pay Sunan enough.

JOSH
They’re working at the most exciting laboratory in the world! What could be better payment than that?
(he sighs)
I guess you and I are just gonna have to fix the wiring.

FRANKIE
(laughing wildly, then--)
Oh, you’re serious.

JOSH
Why not?

FRANKIE
Well, you’re what I might generously call an “ideas guy,” and I... well...

JOSH
“Well” what? Why can’t you help? Didn’t Dad get your brain from like, a certified genius? I know he made sure that all of your body parts were like the best on Earth--

FRANKIE
--as long as their donors were into weird science and strict confidentiality--

JOSH
--but he was extra proud of finding you a super-smart brain.

FRANKIE
I mean sure, Marguerite may have been the highest-ranking member of Mensa France--before that brat Marcel came around anyway, you memorize a thousand digits of pi before the age of three and everyone’s soooo impressed--

JOSH
Yeah screw that French baby.

FRANKIE
But I am not Marguerite! Marguerite died thirty years ago! I’m just a freakshow who happens to have her brain. It’s not like I have any of her memories. I’m just me. I’m just... an experiment. Dad told me to let you handle things, remember?

JOSH
Well, Dad didn’t know I’d need a teensy bit of help fixing a super minor electrical issue on an otherwise incredible safety innovation.

FRANKIE
... You seriously want my help.

JOSH
Yes!

FRANKIE
You want me to help with an invention. You want me to... do science. Not just BE science. DO science.

JOSH
… In a limited capacity to make the SeatBalt the best invention since Dad cured cancer, yes!

FRANKIE
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but... fine, I’ll take a look at it. But not for you! For me.

JOSH Awesome. Boo-yah.

They walk out of Frankie’s pod and into the lab.

FRANKIE
Don’t say boo-yah.

JOSH
Okay okay, it’s right over here. Doesn’t it look nice? The plastic’s so shiny.

FRANKIE
Focus, Josh. So I heard Sunan say that the altitude sensor is cross- wired with the Bluetooth speakers? You do have an awful lot of wiring here for a glorified Ejection Seat.

JOSH
But that’s what makes it the SeatBalt! Registered trademark Amazing Labs. It’s a full-featured experience! It crosses boundaries, it leaves no sense untouched: smell, sound, taste--

FRANKIE
How about we start with a sense of safety and go from there. Where’s the control panel?

JOSH
In here. You can sit in the seat, it’s lined with cashmere.

FRANKIE
Of course it is.
(she slides in; begrudgingly)
All right, it’s not not cozy.

JOSH
I know, right? Totally worth adopting all those alpacas.

(sliding in next to her) Scoot over, I want in on that cozy life too.

FRANKIE
Ugh, excuse you.

The sound of A PANEL POPPING OUT.

FRANKIE
Hand me that screwdriver.

Suddenly, there’s a SPEAKER CRACKLE and a little DITTY.

JOSH (RECORDED)
It’s 10 o’clock and guess what, champ? You’re a winner!

The sound of a HATCH CLOSING.

FRANKIEFRANKIE
Josh, what’s happening??

JOSH (defensive)
It’s my daily self-affirmation tape. I made it after Dad died, it’s very soothing!

FRANKIE
But doesn’t that mean the bubble is gonna-

The SeatBalt suddenly LAUNCHES INTO THE AIR.

FRANKIE AND JOSH
Whoaa/augh!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

JOSH (RECORDED)
You’re a genius. You’re incredible. There’s nothing you can’t do.

FRANKIE
Turn it off!

JOSH (RECORDED)
You’re the love child of Albert Einstein and a powerful jungle cat. You’re a majestic Siberian Husky. You’re--

FRANKIE
I’m gonna kill you!

Josh fumbles with his phone and turns off the recording.

FRANKIE
What the hell??

JOSH
My phone must’ve connected automatically with the Bluetooth speakers!

FRANKIE
Ya think?

JOSH
Well, this is good, right? Now we’re really getting to the heart of the problem.

FRANKIE
We’re 50 feet off the ground! This is so typical, I can’t believe I even agreed to help you.
(shouting)
Help! Help, can anyone hear me? I’m trapped in a bubble with a weapons- grade jackass!

JOSH
Hey, you’re the one who told our employees to go home for the night! We have to fix this ourselves unless you want to hang out in a-

FRANKIE
--“demented birthday balloon”?--

JOSH
--cutting-edge safety bubble until morning. Face it, you have to help me now.

FRANKIEFRANKIE
(with a defeated sigh)
Why does it have speakers and an espresso machine?

JOSH
I just wanted to make it special! I admit that I may have, you know, gilded the lily, but that’s why I need you.

FRANKIE
... Dad didn’t seem to think you need me.

JOSH
Well, Dad didn’t know what it would be like, trying to look awesome in his dinosaur-shadow.
He cured cancer, Frankie! He literally cured cancer. How am I supposed to follow that? Eight billion people are watching me and I have crashed the plane into the mountain!

FRANKIE
Hopefully the plane has a SeatBalt.

JOSH
I just wanted to help the world and make Dad proud of me. But I just started and I’ve already ruined everything.

FRANKIE (with a sigh)
Fine, you want my honest advice?

JOSH
Yes!

FRANKIE
Release a statement. Admit that the SeatBalt was a stupid idea. Hopefully the next invention will suck a little less.

JOSH
I can’t say that about my first invention! What kind of precedent does that set?

FRANKIE
If you really want to help the world, if you really want to be the head of this lab, you’re gonna have to admit when you made a mistake.

JOSH
Mm, that doesn’t sound right. What if instead, you help me make... not- mistakes?

FRANKIE
Are you asking me to be your partner?

JOSH
Sure, like Alfred is a partner to Batman.

FRANKIE
Alfred is Batman’s butler, asshole.

JOSH
We can work out all the details and terminology later. So it’s a deal?

FRANKIE
Will you listen to my ideas?

JOSH
You have ideas?

FRANKIE
Of course I have ideas! I have the brain of a French genius, you think I really just sit around and watch TV all day? Sometimes I write things down during commercial breaks.

JOSH
Like what?

FRANKIE
Like... okay, like curing cancer is great, but it’s starting to cause some problems. The world is complicated. Everything has ripple effects. Like it’s good that nobody’s dying of cancer, but that means we’re going to run out of food in less time, right? Or how about the fact that everyone’s smoking cigarettes now, cause they can’t get lung cancer? There’s smoke everywhere, it’s disgusting.

JOSH
So... I should invent a new vape flavor? Ooh, or a vape rig that can feel pain?

FRANKIE
What?? No-- look, I have a whole list of problems and I can’t wait to hear your terrible thoughts on all of them, but we can’t do anything while we’re floating 50 feet in the air.

JOSH
Right. Solving problems is for ground people. So how do we get from up here to down there? I wish I had some caffeine to help me brainstorm.
Oh, oh! That’s it! The espresso machine! What if we espresso machine to burn a hole in the bubble? It gets dangerously hot if you leave it on.

FRANKIE
Oh my god, did you do any testing on this thing? Also, I’m not sure you’ve given enough thought to the part where you fall 50 feet to your doom.

JOSH
You’re a self-healing collection of body parts! You can shield my fall. Your nanobots will fix you right up.

FRANKIE
Just because I can’t die doesn’t mean I can’t feel pain, Josh.

JOSH
Pain is temporary, the SeatBalt is forever!

FRANKIE
Okay, the SeatBalt is not forever and I am not your Alfred or your Igor. If you want my help, I’m gonna need you to recall the SeatBalt and promise to listen to my ideas.

JOSH
Fine, the next boring invention out of Amazing Labs will fix a boring problem like world hunger or whatever. Okay, here we go, don’t forget to cushion my fall!

FRANKIE
What? Wait, wait, I’m not ready!

A LOUD POP as the bubble bursts.

FRANKIE
Auughhhhh!

JOSH
Hold me!!!

There’s a MIGHTY CRASH as they hit the floor. The sound of BONES BREAKING.

JOSH
Whoa. That was... so cool. You okay?

FRANKIE (groaning, weak)
I hate you and all my bones are broken but... I’ll be fine.

JOSH
Nanobots rule!

The LAB PHONE RINGS.

JOSH
Ooh! Phone call.

He RUNS to get the phone.

JOSH (CONT’D)
Hello? Amazing Labs, this is Josh Amazing.

REPORTER
Hi, this is Rachel Hansen from the Sun Times. Earlier this evening I spoke with... your night janitor?... and I have a few follow- up questions.

JOSH
(whispering to Frankie)
It’s the press!

FRANKIE (wheezing)
Cancel... the launch!

JOSH
I am so glad you called. I have an official statement on the SeatBalt.

REPORTER
Okay…

JOSH (clears his throat)
Dear Earth, I’m really sorry…. Sorry you couldn’t handle how completely awesome the SeatBalt is!

All I ever wanted was create something cool that everyone loved and that helped people and maybe to get a cover of TIME Magazine with the headline “Even Better Than His Dad, question mark?”. But it’s come to my attention that maybe, for now, the SeatBalt is... kind of an abomination. So we’re delaying the product launch and instead, we’ll be developing something better! Like maybe a theme park but for bees?

Frankie CLEARS HER THROAT behind him.

JOSH (CONT’D)
Or something that’s boring and helpful, we’ll see. Thanks for calling! You can email me for some headshots if you want to include them in your story. There’s one where I’m fighting a bear, I’ve been told I look very regal.

REPORTER
Okay, but I still have some questions-- Josh? Hello?

Josh hangs up the phone. DIAL TONE.

He WALKS BACK OVER TO FRANKIE and HELPS HER UP TO A CHAIR.

JOSH
Come on, let me help you up. You sure you’re gonna be okay?

FRANKIE (groaning)
Yeah, it’s not a big deal, it’s just all my bones. The nanobots should have me healed up by morning. And then we’re starting on my list of ideas like you promised.

JOSH
And then after your boring ideas, we’ll talk about Bumblebee Resort and Casino. You think we could get Cheerios on board? Ooh, or a hologram of Beeeeea Arthur? … or whatever seems like the best move for Amazing Labs and the planet, fine.

FRANKIE
Thank you. And... thanks for recalling the SeatBalt. I know that couldn’t have been easy.

JOSH
Yeah, turns out running an innovative global technology company is more complicated than I thought.

FRANKIE
You don’t say.

JOSH
So let’s celebrate our first crisis averted! How about a cup of hot chocolate, for old times’ sake? Remember when I’d sneak you cocoa from my sippy cup while Dad experimented on you? Oh, or then that one time I found a Victoria’s Secret catalogue in the cocoa drawer and we both stared at it for- -

FRANKIE
Okay okay, that was a long time ago. And as much as cocoa actually sounds weirdly good right now, need I remind you… all of my bones are broken.

JOSH
I can get you a straw!

FRANKIEJOSH
(laughing despite herself)
Yeah, fine. But no marshmallows.

JOSH
Ooh, I should invent tiny marshmallows that fit through straws!

FRANKIE
That’s already a thing.

JOSH
Tiny marshmallows you can program to love you?

FRANKIE
What??

JOSH
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Right now, you just... sit there in a heap… and I’ll go get us some hot cocoa. No marshmallows.

He walks away. Suddenly, there’s a SERIES OF CRASHING SOUNDS as Frankie SPASMS.

JOSH (running back over)
Frankie??

FRANKIE
Zut alors! Qu’est-ce qu’il se passe?

JOSH
What’s happening??

FRANKIE
Qui etes vous? Ver de bouse! Penible!

JOSH
Frankie!

There’s a CRASH as Frankie collapses.

JOSH
Frankie? No no no, please wake up, please be okay. Don’t leave me all alone! Frankie!!

END OF PILOT