EPISODE 3 - TRANSCRIPT
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - DAY
A series of cuts between Josh's terrible interview questions.
JOSH
Welcome to Amazing Labs, thanks for coming in today. Tell me, what qualifies you to be Dr. Josh Amazing's Amazing Assistant?
CANDIDATE 1
Well, I’m passionate about technology and the world wide web. I know how to ask Jeeves about practically anything.
JOSH
Tell us about a time you handled stress on a job. Like, say something exploded in the lab and the world might end in three minutes. Just as an example.
CANDIDATE 1
Uhhhhhhhh. One time the manager was in the bathroom and I had to answer the phone?
JOSH
Next! How important is it for you to be able to follow your personal morals or values at work?
CANDIDATE 2 (mob voice)
Don’t worry about it. You tell me to bury the bodies, I say, “how deep you want the death hole, boss?”
JOSH
I like your enthusiasm but you’re very scary. Next! What would you do to get me back on Teddy Bright? But like for a good interview?
CANDIDATE 3
Uh, is that person wearing a suit of armor?
JOSH
Don’t worry about it, it’s part of her… religion. Related question, are you comfortable around weird scars and some moderate disfigurement? What? It’s a relevant question! Frankie? Frankie!
Frankie’s chair SCRAPES across the floor and she CLANKS away. The door OPENS AND SLAMS closed.
THEME SONG
INT. INNER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
JOSH
Why’d you leave? I need you in there!
FRANKIE
I take it back, we don’t need an assistant. How about you just create a simple AI helper-bot and we can get back to work?
JOSH
What? But hiring an assistant was your idea!
FRANKIE
I know! But maybe I wasn’t prepared to have another person, like, here. In our space. Like some stranger who might look at me and scream or faint.
JOSH
What are you talking about?
FRANKIE
It's just... this kid was mean to me the other day on the train, and then that candidate was talking about my armor...
JOSH
Sure. But don’t you think we should make sure we’re hiring someone who isn’t... you know, going to be mean to you on a train? Or… anywhere else? You have to give people a chance.
FRANKIE
A chance to go screaming to the press that they've found a monster incarnate at Amazing Labs? No thank you.
JOSH
First of all, you're forgetting about our excellent NDA. Second of all, great inventors take risks! Why don’t we just try an assistant for a week or two? I can always just fire them if you hate it. Just think of all the episodes of “Our Technically Still Living Planet” you’ll be able to watch in peace!
FRANKIE
Fine. But I’m asking the questions this time.
They walk (or rather, Josh WALKS and Frankie CLANKS) to Josh’s office.
JOSH
Hey, wait for me!
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
FRANKIE
Next!
AGNES
Hi, I’m Agnes Green. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me.
JOSH
Dr. Josh Amazing, Director and CEO of Amazing Labs, obviously. And this is—
FRANKIE
Frankie. Just Frankie. Take a seat, I’ll be conducting the interview for the role of Personal Assistant. Your duties will include managing Josh's calendar, appointments, and daily schedule. You’ll also need to coordinate his appearance at the upcoming Convention of Inventions for Tomorrow Today.
JOSH
I have some great ideas already! Two words: jet pack. Or is that one word?
FRANKIE
Your primary function is to rein in Josh when his enthusiasm goes off the rails.
JOSH
Seriously, is jet pack one word or two?
FRANKIE
Obviously this part of the job will require further training.
AGNES
This all sounds pretty complicated.
FRANKIE
Too complicated?
AGNES
Not at all! Life is complicated. I mean, I’m being interviewed by a knight in shining armor right now. And I love it.
FRANKIE (thrown for a moment)
Oh. Great. So, please tell us why you're interested in working at Amazing Labs.
AGNES
First I just want to say it’s an honor to meet you. I’ve been following Dr. Amazing’s work for a long time. I don’t think anyone else has had such a profound impact on our generation.
JOSH
Yeah, Dad is pretty great.
AGNES
I actually meant you, Dr. Josh Amazing. You’re representative of the ennui of unproven youth, being cognitively, creatively, and analytically superior to our predecessors while not yet garnering the support and recognition you deserve.
JOSH
Wow, you really get me. She gets me!
AGNES
Do you know what sets mammals apart from other animals? I mean besides mammaries, fur, and live young?
JOSH
General cuteness?
FRANKIE
God, I forgot you failed biology twice. I believe she’s talking about using tools?
AGNES
Exactly. Amazing Labs is creating tools that humans never should have dreamed of, naturally speaking. And I want to experience first-hand how the magic happens. I may not be the most tech-savvy myself, but I actually think that’ll give me an advantage at helping normal folks like me understand what exactly is going on at Amazing Labs.
FRANKIE
All right, what past experiences qualify you for this job?
JOSH
Enough with the boring questions! I wanna ask one. Uh... what’s your deepest darkest secret that you would never tell anyone?
FRANKIE
You don't have to answer that.
AGNES
Well, this is kind of silly, but my guilty pleasure is watching nature documentaries with a cup of tea and a slice of pie. It’s heaven.
SOUNDS OF FRANKIE dropping her pen and clipboard.
JOSH
Hey, Frankie, someone will actually care what you’re talking about!
FRANKIE (clearing her throat urgently)
Uhm hmm... excusez, excuse me. I need un verre de l'eau... water. I need water.
CLANKING as Frankie gets up to get some water.
JOSH
K, I’m gonna go ahead and say you got the job. Report back here first thing in the morning and we’ll start with the most Amazing lab tour of your life.
INT. AMAZING LABS BASEMENT - DAY
The DRIP DRIP of a pipe. A closet door CREAKS open.
JOSH
Ta-da! This is the supply closet where Da-- where Doctor Amazing got the idea for regenerating soapless soap back in the 80s. You can still see the original vintage tiling. Fun fact, they don’t make that color yellow anymore because it gives people cancer.
AGNES
So, I am absolutely loving all this Amazing Labs history and I cannot wait to learn more. But--
JOSH
Hold that thought. What if we got a miniseries on the History Channel? “Amazing Labs Through the Years: An Amazing Story That Will Leave You Amazed.” Will you get us a pitch meeting? Wait, let me try that again. Like a boss, Josh.
(he clears his throat) Get me a pitch meeting, Amelia!
AGNES
Agnes. And I will absolutely work on it. But—
JOSH
I wonder if we could get Jerry Bob's Burger Diner to name a sandwich after me? Seems like everyone’s getting sandwiches named after them these days.
AGNES
Another great idea, sir. But with all due respect, don't you think we should finish the big lab tour after you fix the Smog Sucker... situation? Every day that the Smog Suckers are out there, pollinators and migratory animals are irreversibly damaged. Plus I think they’re making my allergies worse.
She SNIFFLES.
JOSH
This is not helping my process. Stop saying sad things.
AGNES
Yes sir.
JOSH
We’ll continue our tour on the third floor, which has a great collection of Doctor Amazing 90s inventions, including the snap strudel, which Kellogg clearly stole when they made the Pop-Tart. Sure, they say they have a patent from 1963, but nobody keeps paperwork for that long.
AGNES
... Have you ever tried the pomodoro method?
JOSH
That sounds like cheese pizza, and I do love cheese pizza.
AGNES
It’s a time management technique. How about I go show you the pomodoro method, and then while you're working, I can go get you pizza. For your process.
JOSH
OH MY GOD. STOP EVERYTHING.
A CLATTER as Agnes drops everything.
AGNES
What? What happened?
JOSH
This is the original mop closet the Super-Vac on ours when I where Dad thought up the SuperVac 3000. I used to ride on ours when I was a kid. I still tear up at the smell of burnt rubber.
AGNES
Fantastic, sir. Just... fantastic.
INT. FRANKIE'S POD - DAY
AMBIENT BEEPING of electronic devices.
FRANKIE
All right. Now that someone else is baby-sitting Josh, maybe I can finally make some progress.
(she clears her throat and pushes a button)
Frankie Amazing, Research Log, Day Ten. According to these readings, I now have two hearts, four kidneys, and... is that a new gall bladder? Like I wasn't too much human already.
CLACKING as she types on her computer.
FRANKIE
The decryption of Dad’s notes should finally be done, unless Josh siphoned server power for his robot simulator again. Who simulates robots? You have a hundred real ones!
More CLACKING.
FRANKIE
Ha! Success. Okay, we have experiment logs, initial brain scans, and... really Dad? In the basement?
INT. BASEMENT STORAGE - A LITTLE LATER
The DRIP DRIP of the basement. A HEAVY DOOR creaks open. A light bulb FIZZES as it warms up.
FRANKIE
So glad I can add “spends all her time in damp creepy basements” to my monster checklist. Very cool.
SHUFFLING as Frankie moves boxes around. She OPENS A CARDBOARD BOX.
FRANKIE
Let's see... purchase orders for the True Love Detector Bracelets, questionable... failed attempts to procure children's brains, oh yeah that's not creepy Dad... receipts from Long John Silver's? Who organized this? Probably no one. Or worse, Josh.
She DROPS A STACK OF PAPERS on the ground.
FRANKIE
This is gonna take awhile.
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - DAY
JOSH
Alright Alexa...
AGNES
It’s Agnes.
JOSH
So you’ll take all my calls?
ALEXA
I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.
AGNES
Calls are forwarded.
JOSH
And you’ll work on that interview with Teddy Bright?
AGNES
It’s on my list.
JOSH
Perfect. Now leave me, Alexa.
AGNES
Agnes.
ALEXA
I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.
JOSH
I need you to leave so I can work.
AGNES
You got it, boss.
A door OPENS AND CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS. A chair SLIDES OUT and is settled into.
JOSH
Ah, peace at last. I can finally unlock my full inventing potential.
TYPING AT A KEYBOARD. PAUSE. MORE TYPING. SHUFFLING.
JOSH
Let’s start by listening to the ole idea log. Past me is the only person who’s almost as brilliant as current me.
He CLICKS on his phone.
RECORDED JOSH (on tape)
Good morning, Josh. You’re a beautiful Bengal Tiger.
Josh CLICKS AGAIN.
A pause.
JOSH
Whoops, wrong file. Here we go.
RECORDED JOSH (on tape)
Idea One. Why do people still have gutters? Gutters are ugly. We should have a better solution for rain. Pointy houses? Plastic rooves? Roofs? Who made that word? I should fix the dictionary.
JOSH
You’re so right, past Josh. But no new ideas yet. First I have to fix the Smog Suckers.Smog suckers. Smoooog. Suckers. Suckers. Brilliant solution, here we go.
(with a heavy sigh)
I wish Dad was here, he’d know how to fix this. Maybe that mean Nature’s Children lady was right. Maybe I’m just a doofus who shrews everything up.
The sound of Josh letting his HEAD COLLAPSE onto his desk.
RECORDED JOSH (on tape)
Don’t worry, you titan of industry. You’re the genius son of a genius. If you’re ever in doubt, just ask yourself what Dad would do.
JOSH
That’s it!
A BEEPING noise as he dials his phone, then RINGING.
AGNES (from the phone)
Hello?
JOSH
Alexa?
AGNES (from the phone)
Agnes.
ALEXA
I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that.
JOSH
Can you bring me a triple oreo malt and a super super double burger from Jerry Bob's, extra bacon and extra cheese? It’s the Amazing Special, always helped my dad through a tough spot.
AGNES (from the phone)
You do know that sodium and cholesterol will actually decrease your focus, right?
JOSH
I know how nutrition works! Hello, super scientist. But I’m also an artist and I need my muse.
AGNES (from the phone)
Cholesterol is your muse? What if we went with a salad instead? I heard, uh, this particular salad is Teddy Bright’s favorite.
JOSH
Everyone knows salad is for rabbits, not people.
AGNES (from the phone)
Rabbits are excellent at memory and complex problem solving.
JOSH
You know, you and Frankie really are perfect for each other. Maybe you should be her assistant! Ha. That’s a joke, you're my assistant. And you're getting me a burger and shake.
AGNES (from the phone)
I’m on my way, sir.
INT. BASEMENT STORAGE - DAY
SHUFFLING OF PAPERS and OPENING ANOTHER CARDBOARD BOX.
FRANKIE
Ugh, Dad, seriously? Another box of greasy receipts? But no notes on miraculously curing cancer? Or creating a daughter from loose body parts? Where are all the notes on the nanobots? They have to be here somewhere.
A KNOCK on the door.
FRANKIE
Go away, Josh!
The door CREAKS OPEN.
AGNES
Actually it's Agnes. Can I bother you for a second?
Frankie PUSHES the door closed again.
FRANKIE
Wait! Wait, don’t come in. Stay out there.
AGNES (through the door)
Um, okay...
FRANKIE
It’s just, um, I have a... big zit! On my face! And I don’t want anyone to see me?
AGNES (through the door)
Is that why you were wearing that suit of armor before? You know a little witch hazel will clear that right up.
FRANKIE
Just... ask me whatever you need
through the door. I’m tres occupé. Ehm, busy. Very busy.
AGNES
Oh, of course, I just had a quick question.
The door CREAKS OPEN.
AGNES (CONT’D)
I’m gonna open the door a crack, okay? I won’t look in. It’s just... it’s Josh. He’s having a lot of trouble getting to work.
FRANKIE
That's why we hired you.
AGNES
Well, I just thought, since you've known him longer than anyone else, you might have some ideas.
FRANKIE
Look, Josh likes to act like he's in charge, but he has the memory of a goldfish. Put something directly in front of him and there's a 60% chance he'll do it and/or eat it, which is higher than the usual 10% chance.
AGNES
Huh. You know, you’re kinda like a meerkat, training the young to ensure the survival of the mob. That's the technical term for
FRANKIE& AGNES
--a group of meerkats.
They both LAUGH a little as they share the moment.
FRANKIE
And you’re, uh, like an otter. Because they’re, um...
AGNES
… excellent at using simple tools to manipulate their environment?
FRANKIE
And cute. I mean, uh, excuzez moi.
Frankie HAS A COUGHING FIT.
AGNES
Are you okay in there? Can I get you some water?
FRANKIE
Wait, don’t open the--
The DOOR CREAKS ALL THE WAY OPEN.
Frankie (devastated sigh)
... door.
AGNES
Oh. That’s... quite a zit, huh?
FRANKIE
Sorry, I didn’t want you to see... this. Me. It’s horrible, I know.
AGNES
It’s not horrible. It’s... different. I love your hair.
FRANKIE
I-- oh... thanks.
AGNES
I always wanted a white streak like that but I don’t really like chemicals.
FRANKIE
It’s actually natural.
AGNES
That’s so cool! Very Striped Skunk. Did you know that skunks are really kind and loving? Plus they have that gorgeous fur.
FRANKIE
Séduisante et intelligente comme toi, chérie.
AGNES
Sorry, my French is terrible. I got... intelligent? Skunks are super smart.
Frankie KNOCKS SOMETHING OVER as she flees the closet.
FRANKIE
Il faut que j’y aille!
AGNES
Frankie! Where you are going? Did you want me to clean up these papers?
(a beat)
Huh. Classified Amazing Labs documents... interesting.
INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
CLICK.
JOSH
Alright. Josh Amazing idea log, take seven. Smog Suckers. Smooooog Suckerrssssss. I could... program them all to explode! No, Dad specifically said no world wars. Come on Josh. You're smarter than this. Dad left you in charge.
RECORDED JOSH (on a recording)
You’re the smartest boy in the world. You’re taller than the Empire State Building.
CLICK. THE DOOR OPENS.
FRANKIE
How’s the project coming?
JOSH
Frankie! Just the experi--girl-- woman I was hoping to see!
FRANKIE
Uh-huh, so you have nothing.
JOSH
As a matter of fact, Alexa is out getting me some brain snacks right now so I can be brilliant.
FRANKIE
Wait, did you upgrade
JOSH
What? No, gross.
FRANKIE
If you didn't upgrade the Alexa, how is it bringing you food?
JOSH
Wow Frankie, way to talk about people like they're objects. Poor Alexa.
FRANKIE
Oh my god. Josh. Her name is Agnes.
JOSH
That's what I said!
FRANKIE
This conversation is making me deeply regret what I’m about to say, but... I came in here because I need your help. I think there’s something new going wrong with me.
A KNOCK.
JOSH
We're busy! My sister was just telling me that she needs me!
AGNES (through the door)
I have your order!
JOSH
Oh sweet Jerry Bobs, food of the gods! Come in!
Agnes OPENS THE DOOR and enters.
AGNES
Actually, Jerry Bob's was... running a special promotion. Buy one oreo malt shake and one Amazing burger, get a Wonder Salad for free. Oh, hey Frankie! Guess what, I saw a Cooper's Hawk on my way back, a real live one! Isn’t that cool? There are barely any left in the city.
FRANKIE
That’s so great! The suburban prairie reclamation must be working.
JOSH
Birds... reclamation... Eureka! Everyone out, I have an idea!
CLANGING and SHOVING and A DOOR SLAMS.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
JOSH
Good afternoon, and welcome to the workspace of a genius.
FRANKIE
Are you actually eating a salad?
JOSH
It’s a Wonder Salad! It promotes memory and intelligence. That's why rabbits are so smart, duh. After thirty-six hours of nonstop genius, sweat, and many many tears, I give you... the Bye Bye Birdie!
FRANKIE
The what?
JOSH
The Bye Bye Birdie! It’s a state-of- the-art flying robot programmed to seek out and destroy the Smog Suckers. AND it even has a storage chamber to contain the delicious smells and keep them from doing any more harm. Okay, ask me all your questions. Give me your worst hole poking.
FRANKIE
How are the Birdies controlled?
JOSH
WiFi with radio back up.
FRANKIE
Do they have a kill switch?
JOSH
Manual and remote.
AGNES
What are we doing with the waste materials?
JOSH
The Birdies are programmed to return home, where we can disassemble them and reuse the components in future inventions.
FRANKIE
What's the estimated round-up time?
JOSH
Three days once we launch.
AGNES
I think the salad worked! This is good, Josh!
JOSH
It’s Dr. Josh Amazing.
FRANKIE
It’s really not. But... I have to admit, this seems great. Good job.
JOSH
And the best news is, I’m taking it to Teddy Bright this week! We can talk about Birdies and salads.
FRANKIE
Hold on. How many of these Bye Bye Birdies -- also, terrible name, it sounds stupid and it’s almost definitely copyright- protected. But how many Birdies have you actually made?
JOSH
Six, if you count failed prototypes. (a beat) Okay, one.
FRANKIE
We can’t just announce them, we need to run more tests. Did you learn nothing from the SeatBalt?
JOSH
You said the invention sounds good!
FRANKIE
Yeah, I said it sounds good. But it needs testing! Not to mention, you don’t exactly have a stellar track record with interviews.
JOSH
I’ll be fine. Agnes will make me cue cards.
AGNES
Great idea.
FRANKIE
Don't encourage him.
AGNES
Yes, ma'am.
JOSH
Hey! Our stock took a huge dip and “Hashtag Amazing Screw-up” just stopped trending on Twitter yesterday. Agnes, make the cue cards.
AGNES
Uh, yes sir.
FRANKIE
Josh, focus on the science! Agnes, this is what we hired you for, back me up.
AGNES
Well yes, focusing on the science does make sense.
JOSH
I'm your boss, Alexa! And I’m doing the interview!
ALEXA
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
AGNES
Yeah, I'm just gonna step out...
JOSH
I’M DOING THE INTERVIEW!
Agnes hurriedly leaves. The DOOR CLOSES.
FRANKIE
Josh. Listen. For once I'm trying to be nice to you. Do not go back on Teddy Bright.
JOSH
But we have Agnes now! She’ll make me cue cards and that mean lady from the cult is gonna eat her words.
21.
A beat.
FRANKIE
Ethel? There’s no cue card that’s gonna save you from her.
JOSH
You don’t know that! I’m the boss, and get to make the decisions.
FRANKIE
Really??
JOSH
That’s why Dad put me in charge and told you to watch TV.
FRANKIE
Fine. I hope Ethel drags you through the mud again, and I hope every news source in the world plays it on repeat for a month.
JOSH
Well, I hope some child sees you and screams.
FRANKIE
We're done, Josh.
Frankie STORMS OUT.
INT. THE LAB - CONTINUOUS
Frankie STOMPS across the lab. Sunan RUNS UP to her.
SUNAN
Uh, Miss Amazing, if I could have just a moment of your time--
FRANKIE
Not now, Sunan. Ask Josh. He’s the one in charge, after all.
SUNAN
Wait! Before you lock yourself in your pod, can we just talk real quick? It’s just, we’ve had a lot of techs quit in the last few days, and I didn’t know if I should post a wanted ad somewhere, or--
FRANKIE SLAMS THE DOOR to her pod.
SUNAN
Okay then.
INT. FRANKIE’S POD - CONTINUOUS
FRANKIE (angrily stomping around)
How could Dad leave Josh in charge? He can’t focus. He doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions. He can’t remember what he said ten minutes ago. But I'M the useless science experiment. Oh Frankie, don't tire yourself. Oh Frankie, you've done enough by just existing. POURQUOI ME DONNER LE CERVEAU D'UN GENIE SI JE NE SUIS Q'UN JOUET COUTEUX? (a beat) O-oh.
She COLLAPSES into a chair.
FRANKIE
What is happening to me?
Some DEEP RASPING BREATHS.
INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT
CLANGING NOISES as Josh BUILDS A PROTOTYPE.
AGNES (shouting a little)
Hey, Josh? Have you seen Frankie?
JOSH
I'm waiting for her to apologize. It's not like it bothers me that she hasn't talked to me all day or that she’s ignored all the notes I slipped under her door. I’m completely, totally fine.
AGNES
Right, okay, but maybe Frankie isn't. I just think support from her favorite brother might, you know, help her heal faster.
JOSH
Like... more notes?
AGNES
I was thinking maybe something more tangible.
The clanging stops.
JOSH
I just had a brilliant idea. You should take a peace offering to Frankie! From me, obviously.
AGNES
Great idea, sir. ... Say, do you speak French?
JOSH
Does anybody really speak French?
AGNES
Over 200 million people, I believe. Including, apparently, your sister?
JOSH
Oh yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. You know I built a French translation machine to get through my college requirements.
AGNES (hesitant)
A machine?
JOSH
Yeah, some people might say “Josh, why not just use an app on your phone?” but those people don’t appreciate the value of a good machine. Also, it’s powered entirely by potatoes.
AGNES
So it’s... kind of natural?
JOSH
I guess, if you’re into that kind of thing.
AGNES
Can I borrow it?
JOSH
Sure, it’s in the basement. Storage Room 2A, box in the corner labeled French Fries. Get it? Cause French, and potatoes?
AGNES
I get it, sir.
JOSH
But don’t forget about my peace offering! And make it nice, I’m very thoughtful.
AGNES
Of course, sir.
She OPENS THE DOOR to leave.
JOSH
Wait! I have an idea!
INT. BASEMENT CLOSET - NIGHT
The LIGHTBULB FIZZLES. Frankie RIFLES THROUGH A BOX.
FRANKIE
Come on, Dad. Your notes must be here somewhere...
A RATTLING as someone unlocks the door.
FRANKIE
I'm working!
AGNES
Oh, sorry, Frankie, I was just... are you okay?
FRANKIE
Pas du tout— (she coughs) Ahem, no, not really. I'm -- not feeling like myself. ... Are you carrying a sack of potatoes?
AGNES
Oh! Yeah, it’s just-- it’s for a thing, for Josh.
FRANKIE
Oh. That's why you’re here.
AGNES
No! I mean, partially yes, but I'm glad I found you. I'm sorry about earlier, with the interview, and the contradicting you. This job is kind of confusing.
FRANKIE
Merci ma chere. Ahem. Thank you. I appreciate that.
AGNES
Okay, this is... probably not my place, but I really think the two of you should make up.
FRANKIE
Look, Agnes, you're sweet. But my family isn't. My dad thought I was just an expensive toy to use for science. I’m how he cured cancer. Good for me, right? Experiment of the month. But I really thought Josh was different. That he saw me as an actual sister.
AGNES
I think he does.
FRANKIE
You just don’t know him yet. Without Dad here to tell us what to do, I think it’s better if we just go our separate ways. Josh can save the world... or destroy it... and I’ll just go watch TV somewhere else. I hear Siberia is nice this time of year.
AGNES
I know we just met and all, but... I don't think that's what you want. You're brilliant, and I think you want to save the world. And I think that together, you and Josh could do that even better than your dad.
FRANKIE (bitter)
No one's better than Dr. Amazing.
AGNES
Sure, he cured cancer, but he did a lot of harm too. You’re focused on actually making the world better. Which, for what's it's worth, I think is pretty great. Anyway, I’ll get out of your hair. Good night.
FRANKIE
Wait!
AGNES
Yeah?
FRANKIE
I-- I could use some help digging through these boxes. I need my dad’s notes about the nanobots but I don’t know where he put them.
AGNES
Sure, of course. I love a good scavenger hunt.
FRANKIE
Do you mind if I put back on the show I was watching?
AGNES
Uh, yeah, whatever you want.
SOUNDS OF A NATURE DOCUMENTARY begin.
AGNES
Wait, is this “The Big Drip--”
AGNES & FRANKIE
“Ode to our Melting Arctic”?!
FRANKIE
It totally is.
AGNES
Do you ever worry that Amazing Labs is... contributing to... you know--
FRANKIE (rifling through a box)
Hmm, what’s that?
AGNES
Oh! I was just saying, I-- love the part where the, uh, polar bears learn to swim but I always cover my eyes when the little arctic fox is abandoned by its family and dies. It’s too much.
FRANKIE
Yeah, that poor little guy.
Sounds of DIGGING THROUGH BOXES and CALMING NATURE DOC.
AGNES
Yes!
FRANKIE
Did you find something?
AGNES
Oh, no, it’s just uh, the thing Josh wanted.
FRANKIE
Of course he knew where something was in this garbage room but he can't find his damn keys in the morning. Anyway, it's getting late. We can try again in the morning.
Frankie STANDS and OPENS THE DOOR.
AGNES
I can keep looking! I actually find paperwork sort of soothing. Oh! Before you go, I almost forgot to give you your present! It’s upstairs on your desk.
FRANKIE
My present?
AGNES
From Josh.
FRANKIE
Right. From Josh. Of course. Good night, Agnes. I’m glad we hired you.
AGNES
Thanks. Me too.
The SOUNDS OF FRANKIE WALKING AWAY. After a moment:
AGNES
Frankie? Are you gone? (a beat; she calls out:) Otters are ugly and when they hold hands it’s stupid! (a beat; back to herself) Ugh, I can’t even say that as a joke, otters are the cutest thing ever. But now that I know for sure Frankie’s gone...
She OPENS A BOX.
AGNES
“French Fries.” Yes, Josh, I get it. Okay, the cords go into the potato and...
TRANSLATOR
Hello Josh, you brilliant scientist. Say or type the phrase you wish to translate.
AGNES
Séduisante et intelligente comme toi, chérie.
TRANSLATOR
Alluring and intelligent like you, darling.
AGNES
... huh.
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - MORNING
CLACKING as Josh works on his speech.
JOSH
These Birdies... will put Amazing Labs... back on the map? No, too cliche. Back in the sky? No, they might think I'm actually launching the lab. Ooh, note to self, airship lab. Nothing has ever gone wrong with an airship.
A KNOCK.
JOSH
I’m writing my speech! Just come set my Super Smoothie on my desk!
FRANKIE
Sorry, no smoothie, just me.
JOSH
Frankie! I'm so glad -- ahem. I mean, it's good to see you, dear sister.
GLASS CLANK as Frankie sets the BRAIN JAR on the desk.
FRANKIE
Did you really send me my original brain jar as a peace offering?
JOSH
Do you like it? I was gonna have Agnes send you something normal, like flowers, and then it hit me: what do ladies really like? Brain jars!
FRANKIE
Why do you even have this?
JOSH
I don't know. Your brain was in there for so long, it felt... weird to throw it out. Like we were throwing out a part of you. And I… cried a bunch so dad let me keep it in my room.
FRANKIE
And put glow in the dark stars all over it?
JOSH
Hey, glow in the dark stars are objectively cool.
FRANKIE (begrudgingly laughing)
Yeah, I can’t argue with you there.
JOSH
Will you look at my speech? Agnes said including people can make them feel valued.
FRANKIE
Agnes the super-assistant.
JOSH
This is the best week ever. I got an assistant, I saved the world, my sister likes me again, and I'm getting back at Ethel on live TV this Sunday.
FRANKIE
I’m gonna ignore that last part for right now and focus on the positive. Cause you’re right, it’s been a pretty good week. Let’s take a look at this speech.
Some computer CLICKING as she looks over the speech. Then a DOOR bursts open and Agnes RUNS IN.
AGNES
Stop the speech, cancel everything!
FRANKIE
What now?
AGNES
The Bye Bye Birdies are going haywire.
FRANKIE (barely containing her fury)
You… launched the Birdies? And you didn’t tell me?
JOSH
You weren’t talking to me! How was I supposed to tell you? And we were kind of in a hurry, remember?
FRANKIE
What are they doing?
AGNES
I’m not sure, but Ethel and her Nature’s Children crew have started marching around the building with fliers, something about how the Birdies are the devil? And their arguments seem pretty convincing.
FRANKIE
Josh, you didn't add anything extra to the Birdies, did you? ... Josh?
JOSH
I was just making them better!
END OF EPISODE