EPISODE 4 - TRANSCRIPT

INT. AMAZING LABS – HALLWAY - DAY

AGNES walks down an empty corridor as the BEEPS and BOOPS of far off inventions ECHO from down the hallways. This noise is suddenly cut by A RINGING PHONE.

AGNES SIGHS in frustration. There’s a CRANKING SOUND.

AGNES

Oh, come on. I sent you my work hours. Hello?

ICHABOD (from phone)

Hello there. I’m calling from Canadian Wireless. Do you have a free moment to talk about an exciting opportunity?

AGNES
Uh, yeah, of course. Anything I can do for “Canadian Wireless.”

ICHABOD (from phone)

Good, because--

AGNES
I will say though, just real quick, that I am technically at work, so right now isn’t like a hundred percent ideal? Maybe you could call back when I’m not on the clock?

ICHABOD (from phone)

Agnes.

AGNES
It’s just, Josh might be back at any minute. I don’t know how long I have to talk.

ICHABOD (from phone)

And I don’t know when I’ll be able to find someone again who’s willing to make an international call in exchange for a burlap sack full of pickles, so here we are.

AGNES
Yeah, okay, great, let’s talk. What can I do for ya, Ichabod?

ICHABOD (from phone)

The powers that be would like an update on how things are going at Abhorrent Labs.

AGNES
Fine! Great, even! Super great.

ICHABOD (from phone)

“Great”? His demonic metal birds are flying into people at the speed of a well-maintained buggy every time they so much as squeeze a bottle of soap. We’ve had to install perfume pits around our headquarters just to distract them keep them from crashing through the artisinal windows. That is not the traditional definition of “great,” Agnes!

AGNES
I know, and I promise I am working as hard as I can.

ICHABOD (from phone)

Well work harder! Your primary mission was to provide us with information, but we were hoping you could at least prevent any new techno-disasters as long as you’re there. How hard could it be? Josh Amazing is an idiot.

AGNES
You don’t understand! Things are more chaotic here than we imagined. Every single day there’s some new invention or innovation or upgrade or crisis. It’s like trying to slow down a hummingbird with tweezers.

ICHABOD
(from phone, sarcastic)

Would you like us to send you a big pair of tweezers?

AGNES

Look, I’m really sorry, I’m doing my best! I just got access to a bunch of classified documents in the basement, I’ll send them by pigeon as soon as I can--

A huge door opens. JOSH and FRANKIE enter the hallway, mid-furious argument.

JOSH
Why should I be held back by flawed design?

FRANKIE

Eons of evolution isn’t flawed design, Josh.

AGNES (whispers)

Please don’t call me at work again. Crank-powered blessings to you and yours.

ICHABOD (from phone)

So no big tweez--

Agnes hangs up the phone. Josh and Frankie get closer.

JOSH

I’m just saying people contribute to greenhouse gases, so why not just fix things at the source?

FRANKIE

You can’t just change how lungs work!

JOSH

Not with that attitude you can’t. Agnes!

AGNES (awkward)

Heyyyyy boss.

JOSH

If you had the choice between expelling dangerous carbon dioxide at the end of every breath or a perfectly inert-- and potentially scented with your choice of aromatic-- argon, which would you choose?

FRANKIE

Tout ne doit pas être parfumé!

A moment of silence. Frankie RUSHES OFF.

FRANKE

Uh. Excuse me.

JOSH

Oh, yeah? Well, yuh-huh to whatever you just said!

TRANSLATOR (from Agnes’ pocket)

Not everything has to be scented.

JOSH
Hey, my translation machine! You found it!

AGNES
Yeah, it’s-- great. Is Frankie okay?

JOSH

I dunno, probably. She’s always so focused on “logic” and “immediate need” instead of thinking about a super-awesome future. As Dad used to say, “pro-active thinking is for pro-fessionals.”

AGNES

… Inspiring.

JOSH

Hey, what’s that you’re holding? Is that a flip phone?

AGNES

It’s... a crank phone.

JOSH

A what now?

AGNES

A crank phone. It’s powered by a tiny little hand crank. I know it’s weird, but I just prefer... you know, older technology. Like vintage stuff.

JOSH

Aw, like a little baby toy. Where’d you find it?

AGNES

... the... woods?

JOSH

Weird. I can get you something better than that. I think we have a whole crate of company Blackberries in storage.

AGNES

Oh no, it’s fine, I’m not hungry.

JOSH

Wait. Agnes, I believe your phone may have just sparked an idea on how we can flip the script on our Bye Bye Birdies. You get it?

AGNES

I do. I mean, it’s a crank phone, not a flip phone? But yeah, I get it.

JOSH

Good.

Josh starts to WALK AWAY. Then he stops.

JOSH

Also, not to flip out--

He pauses for approving laughter, which Agnes awkwardly provides after a moment.

JOSH
-but real grown-up phones from now on, okay? I can’t have my assistant conducting my professional inventor business with a toy from the woods.

AGNES

You got it, boss.

INT. FRANKIE’S POD – DAY

Frankie paces around as she talks.

FRANKIE

You listen to me you little nanobot jerks. This is my body and I get to decide if and when I speak French. Or grow extra organs.

A KNOCK and THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN.

AGNES

Frankie? Can I come in? Is everything all right?

FRANKIE

Of course. Don’t you yell in French when you get in a fight with your brother?

AGNES

I don’t have a brother.

FRANKIE

See? Just something you wouldn’t understand.

AGNES

Can I at least turn on a light for you? Or do you prefer being perfectly okay in the dark?

FRANKIE
It’s not so bad when you get used to it.


Agnes STEPS CLOSER to Frankie.

AGNES

You know, I actually prefer the dark too. My family doesn’t really do the whole ‘electricity’ thing.

FRANKIE

Huh. Did you all live off the grid?

AGNES

Something like that.

FRANKIE

Sounds nice. Simple.

AGNES

Hey, I might not know you that well yet, but whatever’s going on, I bet it’s something that the re-purposed brain of a French genius might be able to figure out if she just had a little help.

FRANKIE

... did Josh tell you all that?

AGNES

I may have asked a few questions when he was distracted by a cheeseburger. I hope that’s okay. I was just curious to know more about you.

FRANKIE (flustered, flattered)

Oh. Yeah, of course.

AGNES

So, what do you say? Can I help?

FRANKIE

Pour toujours, chérie.

TRANSLATOR (from Agnes’ pocket)

“Forever, my darling.”

AGNES

Not now!

FRANKIE

Is that Josh’s French Fry machine?

AGNES

... yes?

FRANKIE

That contraption always makes things sound more romantic that they really are. Terrible for diplomacy meetings.

AGNES

Does... that make it any less accurate?

FRANKIE

…Yes?

AGNES

Oh.

FRANKIE

No, I mean, yes, you can help. You just have to promise not to tell Josh. I don’t want him to worry. When he worries, he gets involved. And when he gets involved, things usually get worse.

AGNES

I promise. So what can I do?

FRANKIE

Do you have any experience in brain surgery or nano-robotics?

AGNES

I can... read some books?

INT. AMAZING LABS – NIGHT

Josh RACHETS and TINKERS and CLANKS under a machine. Sunan ENTERS.

SUNAN

Good evening, Dr. Amazing. I have another update for you on our ongoing employee shortage-- oh, no.

JOSH (from underneath the machine)

Is that you, Frankie?

SUNAN

What did I tell you all about cannibalizing parts from deceased tech? You have to be careful. Remember the Gigapet Incident of ‘08?

A wrench CLATTERS on the ground as Josh scoots out.

JOSH

Oh, it’s you! Su... nan. Sunan! Like the Surprise!

Josh STANDS.

SUNAN (with a sigh)

Yes sir, like the Surprise.

JOSH
How long did you say you’d been working here? Ten years?

SUNAN

Twenty-two, sir.

JOSH

Huh. Did you get a cool 20-year anniversary plaque? Or award?

SUNAN (automatic)

Just working here is reward enough. (back to normal) Wait, why are you messing around with the GlobalModem?

JOSH

This is what’s going to stop the Bye Bye Birdies, the Smog Suckers by proxy, and fix all of the other problems that we’ve ever had or will ever have. Potentially.

SUNAN

The GlobalModem hasn’t worked in years. And even when it did, it was freakishly unstable. The thing still runs D-cell batteries.

JOSH

32 of them! Well, 30 now, thanks to yours truly. And with that extra space, not only am I going to get those Birdies to straighten up and fly right, but... can you keep a secret?

SUNAN

According to the NDA I create and sign every week, yes.

JOSH

When I’m finished, not only will we be able to control the Birdies via the world’s telecommunication network, but while we’re in there, we can scan for signs of the one person who could fix all of this... my dad!

SUNAN

That sounds like a legal minefield.

JOSH

Hmm, I don’t see it. But the important thing is, we need a cloud to store all the data we’re bound to get. Could you get one set up for me?

SUNAN

I guess. I do have a few concerns first--

JOSH
Yes! Thank you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to take down a thousand robo-birds with one stone. Cause I’m a genius.

INT. FRANKIE’S POD - AFTERNOON

Machines WHIR and BEEP. The beeping is quiet and regular for now.

AGNES

Just lay back and keep still.

FRANKIE

Is this gonna take long? All this electronic headgear isn’t as comfortable as it looks and if I’m being honest, you look a little tense too. This whole thing is freaking you out, I can tell. Is it freaking you out? It’s freaking you out, right?

AGNES

I’m fine! I’m just not... super accustomed... to this kind of technology.

FRANKIE

Oh yeah, with the growing up off grid and everything.

AGNES

Right. That. But if you think it’ll help, I’m willing to try.

FRANKIE

... nobody’s ever been willing to help me before.

AGNES

To be fair, it doesn’t seem like you’ve given people much of a chance. (a beat) So, I just need to get enough brain scans for you to see what we’re working with, right?

FRANKIE

I can tell you what we’re working with: a musty old French brain. Now let’s just get this thing off my head--

AGNES

We can stop in ten minutes. Just lay back and think about a herd of sea lions basking in the sun. Are you comfortable?

FRANKIE

Oh yeah. Just stick a lightbulb in my mouth and call me Uncle Fester.

AGNES

Uncle who?

The BEEPING speeds up a bit.

FRANKIE

... You know what’s messed up? Being plugged in like this keeps making me think about how, without electricity, without that jolt of life, I’d just be rotting in a bunch of separate graves right now. I wouldn’t be anything. Did my dad do the right thing? Should I even be alive at all?

AGNES

Hey, this blinking light is turning red, which I’m pretty sure is bad. Maybe you should put a pause on the existential crisis for now and try to think of something calming.

FRANKIE

I... don’t have anything that does that.

AGNES

No favorite place? A song that makes you happy? A comforting smell?

FRANKIE

Why is everyone so obsessed with smell?

AGNES

I could put on another episode of “The Big Drip”? There’s the one with baby penguins--

FRANKIE

The SeatBalt had customizable air fresheners. The Smog Suckers had to be some gross shower substitute. It’s like he wants the whole world to reek of a Bath and Freaking Body Works. Not everyone likes cucumber melon, Joshua!

The BEEPING BECOMES MORE INSISTENT.

AGNES

Frankie, something’s happening!

FRANKIE

Écoutez a le plus grand esprit de la science française assis juste à côté de toi!

AGNES

Crap, crap, crap!

TRANSLATOR

Just listen to the greatest mind in French science sitting right next to you.

Agnes backs away and knocks over a glass bottle, which SHATTERS. The BEEPING SLOWS.

FRANKIE

Quelle est cette odeur?

Agnes GAGS a little.

TRANSLATOR

What’s that smell?

AGNES

Sorry. I think I knocked over... who keeps a full bottle of formaldehyde just lying around?

FRANKIE

Whoa. You smell amazing.

Short pause. The BEEPING SLOWS TO A CALM.

FRANKIE
That was French. Maybe it sounded like English coming out of my mouth right there but it was actually French. What I said was, you... smell... normal?

AGNES

The flashing lights are slowing down. That seems good.

FRANKIE

Yeah, it means my cortisol levels are dropping.

AGNES That’s the stress hormone, right? It seems like you start speaking French every time you get stressed, and you’re speaking English again now, so--

FRANKIE

Except for that thing about you smelling good.

AGNES

Sure. Except for that.

JOSH (over a loud speaker)

Frankie and Agnes, please report to the Telecommunications Sector! I repeat, Frankie and Agnes report to the Telecommunications Sector!

They SCRAMBLE to remove her electrodes.

COMMERCIAL BREAK


INT. AMAZING LABS – AFTERNOON
The GlobalModem CHUGS and CHURNS.

JOSH

Finally!

FRANKIE

What’s going on, Josh? We were in the middle of something.

JOSH

I have the perfect thing to present at the Convention of Inventions next week! I’d like to thank the Nobel Committee for not giving up on me, even when most of the world had. Looking at you the entirety of the Ivy League. Agnes, take a note.

FRANKIE

Slow down, what did you do? Is that the GlobalModem?

JOSH

Not anymore. Much like a boat that has had all its boards replaced, one cannot call it the same-- oh my god, what’s that smell?

AGNES

Sorry, I spilled some formaldehyde.

JOSH

Ew, did you take a bath in it?

FRANKIE

The first good smell we’ve had in the lab and now you have a problem with it?? Je ne--

She takes a DEEP BREATH to calm herself.

FRANKIE
How is the GlobalModem supposed to stop the Birdies?

JOSH

Oh, it’ll do a lot more than that. It’ll tap into the world’s telecom lines to control the birds, but while we’re at it, we can listen in on any phone call, Zoom call, or digital conversation happening anywhere in the world! And we save them immediately to the cloud! Isn’t that neat?

AGNES

All conversations? As in, any call in the world at any time?

JOSH

In theory. Sunan already has us all set up. Do you know Sunan, Frankie?

FRANKIE Are you serious?

JOSH
You two would get along great. But

first, a demonstration. Let’s try to find... Dad.

FRANKIE

Josh...

AGNES

I thought Dr. Amazing was, you know. (she whispers) Dead?

JOSH

More like kidnapped by those Canadian Luddite lunatics. They probably have him locked up in a basement, handwriting all those mean fliers they keep leaving around. Those monsters.

FRANKIE

I’m pretty sure Nature’s Children doesn’t use phones, Josh.

AGNES

She’s right, no phones. (a beat, then nervously:) I mean, probably, right? I don’t know, for sure, I mean how would I know that? And why am I still talking about Nature’s Children when I obviously don’t know anything about them? Here I go, still talking. Just stop talking, Agnes.

Lucky for her, nobody’s listening anymore because Josh has activated the machine. After an OLD-SCHOOL WARM-UP NOISE, it sounds like he’s TURNING THE DIAL ON AN OLD RADIO, going through stations of phone calls, busy signals, and dial tones. After a few seconds, a phone call comes through.

JOSH

Here we go!

The call is crystal clear.

LOVER 1 (on phone)

I don’t care how many of those metal avians I have to best to see you, I will battle each and every one until I am in your loving arms again!

JOSH

What?

LOVER 2 (on phone)

Did you hear that, my sweet? Is an interloper on the line?

JOSH

Interloper? No, I’m waiting until marriage.

LOVER 1 (on phone)

Have the birds taken on the voice of their demented maker? Does Josh Amazing’s evil know no bounds!

JOSH

Hey! I’m not evil.

LOVER 2 (on phone)

Only a man of pure evil could create an invention that keeps me from my dearest love!

JOSH

I guess then the evilest person in the world also lowered greenhouse gases with his brilliant and barely- malfunctioning Smog Suckers! You’re welcome.

Josh hangs up. The phone searches for a new call.

JOSH

Some people. Am I right?

FRANKIE

You need to shut this down. Now.

JOSH

I hear your concerns, and I want to, but I kinda can’t.

FRANKIE
What do you mean you can’t?

JOSH

Everything is chugging so hard right now that if we unplug it, there’s a risk of catastrophic failure to the whole thing.

AGNES

Is it recording… calls?

JOSH

You bet your butter burger it is! But don’t worry, Sunan made me a cloud. And that cloud is made of chains and locks and code that looks like chains and locks. Ooooh, we have a new call. Dad? Dad can you hear me?

The phone static clears on a video conference.

ASSISTANT

You can run a whole country, but somehow scheduling escapes you?

PRIME MINISTER

I said I’m sorry. It’s not my fault the Google Calendar is so complex. All those colors and numbers...

ASSISTANT

I understand, Prime Minister. But the assistants at the Illuminati can be very troublesome with rescheduling.

PRIME MINISTER

We don’t even need weekly meetings! (mocking) “Here’s an all-encompassing plan that will take years to accomplish. Now give us a week by week update.” Bunch of busy-bodies. Make a note.

ASSISTANT

I’m making a note to complain about meetings at the next meeting.

PRIME MINISTER

Good. First order of business today: what we should do about Quote Doctor End Quote Josh Amazing?

JOSH (muffled and incredulous)

What?

PRIME MINISTER

It is extreme, but the American military does have an EMP bomb they’re willing to use.

JOSH (pressing a button on the machine)
How dare you! I have a doctorate in Applied and Applying Sciences from St. College University and I will not have my honorifics slandered.

A stone silence.

PRIME MINISTER

You have got to be kidding me.

ASSISTANT

Did you find your daddy’s Zoom log- in?

JOSH

No. I logged in with science. Pure science. We all did!

FRANKIE

Josh, no.

JOSH

Josh Amazing! Frankie Amazing! Agnes... Internson... and also Sunan. Who is great!

AGNES

Did you say a bomb, Prime Minister?

JOSH

I can’t believe you’ve been talking behind my back like this. I’m-- we’re trying to make the world a better place! And we’re actively trying to fix the other ways we accidentally made it worse!

PRIME MINISTER

This isn’t being recorded, is it?

JOSH

Securely.

PRIME MINISTER

You’re secretly recording the call that you broke into. That’s espionage.

JOSH

I said securely!

Sunan STORMS IN.

SUNAN (frantic)

Why is the Cloud full, Josh??

JOSH

Excuse me, Prime Minister. (to Sunan) It’s Dr. Amazing.

SUNAN (furious)

Why is the cloud full, Dr. Amazing?

JOSH

How could the could be full? You told me the cloud was magic!

SUNAN

I definitely did not use the word magic. The cloud isn’t secure yet! That’ll take at least a week!

Phones begin RINGING in the background of the leaders’ call.

JOSH

What does that even mean?

FRANKIE

It means anyone can listen in.

PRIME MINISTER

Bloody hell.

The call cuts out.

FRANKIE

Okay, we need to shut down the Modem right now.

JOSH

No!

FRANKIE

What do you mean, no?

JOSH

We can’t shut it down before I find Dad!

FRANKIE (softening a little)

Josh, you’re not going to find him. He’s--

JOSH

He’s not dead. And I’m in charge here! I say we leave it on.

FRANKIE

But--

JOSH

Everybody out! Just get out! Sunan and Frankie, go secure the cloud! Agnes, go get me some hot wings and Red Bull. I’m going to find Dad if it takes me all night.

SUNAN

But--

JOSH

Go!

INT. AMAZING LABS – MORNING

Josh listens to the STATIC of the Global Modem. He TURNS THE DIAL on the Global Modem.

CALL 1

Alllright, we have Josh Amazing causing World War Three, do I hear a BINGO?

Turns dial.

CALL 2

-just nuke the whole lab! Who cares if they take all of Wisconsin with it? Just get the cheese out first.

Turns dial. STATIC.

JOSH (calling out)

Agnes! Agnes, are you there? I need a coffee! Something with caramel and whipped cream! I’ve been listening to people say mean things about me all night and I still haven’t found Dad and I feel weird inside my brain and my tummy. Agnes!

But she’s not there. Josh SIGHS.

JOSH

I guess even Agnes hates me.

He turns the dial again.

STATIC. Sunan ENTERS.

SUNAN

Good morning, Dr. Amazing.

Josh TURNS DOWN the machine.

JOSH

More like Dr. A-lame-zing.

SUNAN

I just wanted to let you know that we pulled an all-nighter and got the cloud secure. I still think it would’ve been better to unplug it, personally, but... all calls are now being recorded to a fully encrypted cloud. Per your orders.

Josh SIGHS.

JOSH

Thanks. And sorry.

SUNAN

What?

JOSH

I’m sorry for dragging you into all this.

SUNAN

No, I know why you’re saying sorry. It’s... I know people don’t like to speak ill of the dead. But the dead turn into ghosts or zombies or--

JOSH

Frankie.

SUNAN

Yeah. What I mean is, I don’t think your dad ever apologized to any of us. Things would go wrong. People would get fired. I’ve had fourteen cups of coffee thrown at me, two Big Gulps and a full Grand Slam with extra pancakes. But never an apology.

Sunan pats Josh on the shoulder.

A beat.

SUNAN
An apology is the perfect twenty- year gift, Josh. Thank you.
I’m gonna get back to work, give me a call if you need anything, all right?

JOSH

Thanks. I’m just gonna keep looking for Dad a little bit longer.

SUNAN

Of course. Good luck.

Sunan LEAVES.

After a few moments, a CHEERFUL ALERT comes from the machine.

JOSH

Yes! Yes! I knew it!

INT. FRANKIE’S POD – MORNING

Frankie does a DEEP BREATHING EXERCISE full of OHMMMS. A track of SOOTHING SEA NOISES plays behind her.

JOSH (over intercom)

Frankie!!!

Frankie freaks out of her meditative state.

FRANKIE

Quoi? Espèce d'enfoiré!

JOSH (over intercom)

Get down to telecoms! Now!

INT. AMAZING LABS - CONTINUOUS

Frankie STORMS IN.

FRANKIE

What, Josh? I had a very long night trying to secure your stupid cloud and I was trying to find inner peace.

JOSH

The GlobalModem!

FRANKIE

What about it?

JOSH

It found him!

FRANKIE

Found who?

Josh hits play on a call. It’s silent for a brief moment.

DR. AMAZING (drunk, but held together)

I have held the universe in my palm. A thimble of eternity in the vastness of a darkness it would never understand.

FRANKIE

... Dad?

JOSH

It’s him, right? I paused it after the first sentence so we could listen together.

DR. AMAZING

I have given you... the world... so much. So many gifts. So much sacrifice. Perhaps... you will see it in your heart to grant me one wish of my own.

JOSH

I knew it! I knew it! The cult has him and he’s asking them to set him free!

FRANKIE

Shhhh.

DR. AMAZING

I have a hunger. a hunger. An unstoppable of a man unquenched. Inspired by... breading on breading upon... breading. What form of God could conceive that all a perfectly fried flank of cod would need is a bed of flaky perfection... and this is why you must commission a franchise somewhere in the whole of French Polynesia. Because if I cannot get a fist-full of Crumblies in my mouth within a fortnight, only the gods know what I may be capable of--

FRANKIE

Pause it!

A CLICK as Josh pauses the audio.

JOSH

Dad’s alive!

FRANKIE

He’s... he’s drunk.

JOSH

Wait, why would the cult imprison him in French Polynesia?

FRANKIE

He’s clearly not imprisoned, Josh.

JOSH

Well, whatever!

He starts TYPING.

JOSH

I think I can still triangulate his position. Our problems are solved, Frankie! We’re gonna find Dad and he’s gonna fix everything!

FRANKIE

He’s not going to fix everything. Listen to him! He’s drunk! He’s hiding on purpose!

JOSH

What? He wouldn’t abandon us like that.

FRANKIE

Unpause the audio, Josh.

JOSH

Right. Unpausing...

The CLICK CLICK of a keyboard.

DR. AMAZING

Because if I cannot get a fist-full of Crumblies in my mouth within a fortnight, only the gods know what I may be capable of...

LONG JOHN SILVER’S ROBO-LINE

Thank you for calling the Long John Silver’s Help Line. We hope you’re having a filet of a day!

JOSH

No!!!!!

The CORD IS PULLED, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, and the voice GRINDS TO A HALT.

LONG JOHN SILVER’S ROBO-LINE

Long John Silver’s: Fish, Yeah!

END OF EPISODE