EPISODE 5 - TRANSCRIPT
INT. AMAZING LABS
LONG JOHN SILVERS’ ROBO LINE
Thank you for calling the Long John Silver’s Help Line. We hope you’re having a filet of a day! Long John Silver’s: Fish, Yeah!
A WRENCH and SNAP of cables. The call CUTS OUT. A BEAT.
JOSH
Frankie, what have you done!?
FRANKIE
What have I done, what have YOU done? Putain de merde!
JOSH
We had Dad on the line! Why did you unplug it?
FRANKIE
It wasn’t me! C’était toi!
JOSH
Huh?
FRANKIE
You did it! Plug it back in!
JOSH
I can’t plug it back in, the machine is broken!
FRANKIE
I stayed up all night with Sunan securing the cloud so you could look for Dad, and the second we find him you destroy the machine? What is your problem??
JOSH
I said it wasn’t me!
FRANKIE
You’re literally still holding the cord in your hand.
JOSH
I must have taken it from you. All I want to do is find Dad!
FRANKIE
Well you found him! You found him giving a very passionate speech to Long John Silvers!
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! Josh is kicking GlobalModem.
JOSH
Aghhhh! Never say that name again!
FRANKIE
Long John--
JOSH
FRANCES FRANKENSTEIN AMPLITUDE AMAZING!
FRANKIE
Why are you freaking out? What’s your problem with Long-- with that restaurant?
JOSH
I'll tell you why I’m freaking out! It was the summer of 1998...
WARBLY HARP STRINGS indicating we're about to travel BACK IN TIME.
INT. LONG JOHN SILVERS - IN THE PAST
CASHIER
Welcome to Long John Silvers! May I recommend getting jiggy with our 3- piece fish combo? Oh! Are you Doctor Amazing?
DR. AMAZING
Indeed I am!
CASHIER (little kid voice)
And that must make you little Joshy Amazing, huh? You know your dad is famous? It must be awesome to have a dad like that.
DR. AMAZING
This is indeed my progeny. Although frankly I was hoping he’d be a little more help in the laboratory by now. You know in China, 8-year-olds run entire companies! This one can’t even hold a test tube for six hours without crying.
CASHIER
O... kay.
DR. AMAZING
I'll have a basket of the handshucked clams sourced from coastal Atlantic waters and as many Crumblies as you can fit in the box.
JOSH
But we’d just gotten our order and sat down in a booth when...
A 1990s cell phone RINGS.
DR. AMAZING
Sunan, if it’s about those goddamn lawyers again--
Excited indistinct CHATTER on the other end of the line.
DR. AMAZING
She did what? Already?
More CHATTER.
DR. AMAZING
The Alpha Nanos weren’t supposed to integrate until July, but she’s... she’s awake?
More chatter.
DR. AMAZING
She’s looking at you right now. Uh huh. You know what? Eureka. And I never say Eureka. I’ll be right there.
We hear him STAND UP. BACK TO:
INT. AMAZING LABS - PRESENT DAY
JOSH
And I sat in that LJS until 8PM. He left me there, Frankie! He got so excited about his work that he forgot that I existed!
FRANKIE
About his “work”?
JOSH
The employees just kept bringing me out box after box of crumblies. Anything to get me to stop crying--
(registers the look on Frankie’s face)
Why are you looking at me like that? You’re supposed to feel sorry for me.
FRANKIE
Oh I do. I feel so sorry that your “family meal” was interrupted by one of Dad’s “experiments.”
Josh is starting to piece together why Frankie’s mad.
JOSH
I mean... a very important experiment... (off a glare from Frankie) My point is Dad actually cared about you! He’d never leave you in a Long John Silver’s.
FRANKIE
He did, though! He left us both, Josh! He literally left us both to go live on an island.
JOSH
We don’t know he left us on purpose! But I do know that every time I hear that foul name--
FRANKIE
Long John Silver’s?
JOSH
I remember how he left me behind cause he cared more about you!
FRANKIE
Well if Dad thought I’m so great, why didn’t he put me in charge of the lab?
JOSH
Why would he put you in charge of the lab? I’m here.
Frankie is stunned.
FRANKIE
You... never even considered that I’d be... a better... tu... espece... imbecile... (rage breaths) You know what?
We can hear Frankie stand up, grab her stuff.
FRANKIE
Fish you.
FOOTSTEPS storming out. BANG! She slams the door behind her.
CUT TO THEME SONG
INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY
Agnes WASHES DISHES in the break room as Josh RUNS UP.
JOSH
Agnes! Have you seen Frankie?
AGNES
Not today. Good morning, by the way.
JOSH
Ugh! I hate it when she does this. We were in the middle of a fight and she just stormed off! See, if I hurt her feelings, that’s just because she didn’t take the time to understand. If she’d let me explain-
Agnes can tell this is about to go full tirade.
AGNES
You know what, you’re so right. If I see Frankie, I’ll let her know you want to speak to her.
JOSH
Say that again.
AGNES
If I see Frankie, I’ll--
JOSH
No, the other part.
AGNES
What other part?
JOSH
The part where you said I was right!
AGNES
I said you were right?
JOSH (enjoying it)
Mmm, yeah. Can I record you saying that?
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - LATER
The WHIR of an electric screwdriver. CLICK!
JOSH
That oughta do it.
DOLORES (a robotic version of Agnes’ voice)
Hello Josh.
JOSH
Hi affirmation-bot! Let’s start by giving you a name. Hmmm... how about Dolores? Dolores sounds like someone you can trust. Dolores would never abandon me to run off to French Polynesia. (beat) Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Dolores?
DOLORES
You’re right.
Josh takes in a DEEP APPRECIATIVE BREATH.
JOSH
See, this is what a great man needs in order to help mankind. (beat) That and some lunch.
DOLORES
Hello Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
You know what? You’re already more helpful than anyone else around here. I don’t need anybody but you.
DOLORES
Hello Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
Mm. Never gets old.
DOLORES
Hello Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
Yeahhh I’m just going to go find Frankie.
The DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS down the hall.
DOLORES
You’re right. Hello Josh. You’re--
Dolores’ voice FADES OUT as we follow Josh to...
INT. AMAZING LABS - RIGHT OUTSIDE FRANKIE’S POD
BANGBANGBANG! A fist on a metal door.
JOSH
Frankie? Frankie! I think we should talk about what happened! Are you in there?
He listens: just FAINT BEEPING and the sounds of a NATURE PROGRAM coming from Frankie’s pod.
JOSH
Did you get Agnes’s message!?
The DOOR IMMEDIATELY SLIDES OPEN A CRACK.
FRANKIE
Agnes said something?
JOSH
So you are in there!
FRANKIE
What did Agnes want?
JOSH
To tell you that you need to talk to me.
FRANKIE
Oh my god, Josh, go away. I’m working. I didn’t exactly want to talk to Dad, but I could’ve used a little help with the “turning into a francophonic Mrs. Potato Head” thing.
JOSH
The what?
FRANKIE
But now thanks your Daddy issues, I’m stuck trying to figure this out myself. So unless you have something work- related to discuss, I’m gonna need you to leave me the hell alone.
JOSH
Wait! Wait, I do have something work-related and, and super important...
He struggles for a minute.
FRANKIE
... the tech conference?
JOSH
That’s it, the tech conference!
FRANKIE
What about it? You and Agnes were supposed to be preparing something to present.
JOSH
I’ve been busy!
FRANKIE
Josh, the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today is tomorrow! It’s in one day, Josh! You told me you had this under control!
JOSH
I’ve had a lot on my plate! Finding Dad, losing Dad, fighting with you, um... can we just not go?
FRANKIE
Fine with me. Let the rest of the world think we’ve retreated into a cocoon of failure. I genuinely don’t care.
JOSH
Cocoon of-- you think people will tweet that?
FRANKIE
Again, I do not care.
JOSH
We have to prove we’re still Amazing! Who else is going to lead the world into Tomorrow Today except us? Friggin Apple? That’s just a fruit and everyone knows fruit is gross.
FRANKIE
Good-bye Josh.
CLANG! The door closes on him.
JOSH
But I just want to talk! Frankie!
INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY
Agnes turns the HAND CRANK to her phone.
AGNES (softly)
Come on... turn on... yes! Finally. BEEP BOOP BEEP - Agnes dials. RING. RING.
ICHABOD (over the phone)
Hello, you’ve reached Ichabod from Canadian Wireless. Do you have a moment to talk about an exciting opportunity?
AGNES
Good news. I’ve secured entry to the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today. I await further orders.
ICHABOD
Flow in your own riverbed, Agnes. Your assignment is to spy on Amazing Labs.
AGNES
See, I want to spy, I am spying, but... (low) The people here are kind of nice.
ICHABOD
What?
IN THE BACKGROUND:
ALEXA VOICE
CODE PINK. CODE PINK.
A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! The sound of LASERS.
LAB TECH 1
Ahhhh! I told you not to press E7!
LAB TECH 2
Why does the coke machine have lasers?
The KER-CHUNK of a coke can being dispensed.
ALEXA VOICE
CODE--
The mayhem stops.
AGNES
I said there's really see! I just think I could do better work at the convention.
ICHABOD
No need. We’re sending someone else.
AGNES
Someone else? Who?
ICHABOD (sighs)
Ethel.
AGNES
What??
ICHABOD
See, this is why we don’t want you at the convention. You need to stay focused. I know you and Ethel... have a history.
AGNES
I’m going with Amazing Labs. Josh needs me, I don’t think I can get out of it.
ICHABOD
Fine. I’ll let Ethel know. She’ll rendezvous with you at--
A DOOR OPENS.
JOSH
It’s a disaster.
AGNES (whispering)
Gotta go bye!
BEEP! She hangs up and stashes her phone.
AGNES
What is?
JOSH
Frankie, Dad, this tech convention, everything. (he flops into a chair) Do you have any snacks?
AGNES
Just some carrots.
JOSH
Why are they in a burlap sack? You know what, I don’t care, just hand em over. I need to drown my sorrows in something orange and crunchy.
AGNES
Sure.
JOSH (chewing)
Hey! These are pretty good! They're no Flavor-Disrupted Techno-Tech Chips, but still.
AGNES
Thanks! I grew them myself.
JOSH
Don’t be ridiculous, food comes from stores. Say, leave the sack, wouldja? I’ve got to get Frankie to try these. (his voice slumps) Oh yeah, she’s not talking to me.
AGNES
Maybe you should be honest with Frankie about how you feel instead of trying to be right all the time.
JOSH (defensive)
What do you mean “trying”?
AGNES
Okay, I have a story that might help... I used to date this girl back in my cult-- in my college days. She was smart, passionate. But she left to go undercover-- I mean... to go to grad school? And instead of telling her that I was proud of her, even though I didn’t want her to leave, we just never talked again. What I’m trying to say is, I should have just been honest about my feelings in the first place. And I’ve regretted it every day since.
JOSH
Agnes, you are pure genius.
AGNES
I am?
JOSH
I don’t know what you were saying just then, but your voice was the perfect tone and cadence for me to do some Grade-A thinking.
AGNES
Oh.
JOSH
Frankie and I just need to be honest with each other. More importantly, she needs to be honest with me.
AGNES
I’m not sure what that means, but--
JOSH
See ya later! You’re almost Amazing!
FOOTSTEPS and the DOOR SLAMS.
AGNES (deflated)
Thanks boss.
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE
The sound of a POWER DRILL.
JOSH
Feeling better, Dolores?
DOLORES
Hello Josh.
JOSH
Good. Okay, I’m gonna talk this all through and you can tell me what you think.
DOLORES
You’re right.
JOSH
Off to a good start. Okay, so I can’t do anything right now about my dad cause the GlobalModem is all broken forever. But don’t judge Dad too harshly, Dolores. I’m sure this is all a big mistake, like maybe he accidentally got in a plane crash like Tom Hanks in Cast Away and he was just calling Long J- (he gags) --he was just calling that restaurant to build up his strength to escape and come home. I just have to do an awesome job so Dad sees that I’m smart and he doesn’t ever leave me again. Right?
DOLORES
Hello, Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
Now all I have to do is trick Frankie into talking to me again. She can’t ignore me forever. Sooner or later she’s going to send me a work-related email. She’s always trying to do work, it’s so annoying.
DOLORES
Hello, Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
And when she does that, I’ll seize my opportunity.
DOLORES
Hello--
The POWER DRILL REVS.
JOSH
Just listen for a sec, okay Dolores? I’m going to use that work email to get to the bottom of things.
Josh starts TYPING AWAY on his computer.
JOSH
Cause inside that email will be a Trojan Horse and inside that horse will be a virus. And you know what that virus will do? (imitating Dolores) What will it do, Josh? (back to regular) It’ll plumb the very depths of Frankie’s heart and mind! It’ll read her email, her texts, her transcribed phone calls. It’ll even read her LiveJournal! It’ll crack Frankie open like a coconut. Emotionally speaking.
Josh TYPES AWAY.
JOSH
And it’s just... about...
TYPE TYPE TYPE.
JOSH
... done! Isn’t that great, Dolores? Don’t you think I’m... hmm...
POWER DRILL. POWER DRILL.
DOLORES
--o Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
Yes!
Josh HIGH FIVES HIMSELF.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
INT. AMAZING LABS - FRANKIE’S POD
A SPLASH sound effect.
DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR
Naturalist George Shaw described the platypus as “nature’s miscellany.” As you see, it seems to be composed of random body parts, almost like a Frankenstein. So it’s perhaps not so surprising that this hideous creature spends most of its time alone.
CLICK. Frankie TURNS OFF the TV.
FRANKIE
Rude.
She CLICKS ON her memo recorder.
FRANKIE
Frankie Amazing, Research Log, Day Sixteen. Josh blew our only chance to contact Dad, so I’m back to researching my condition on my own. Last time I checked, I was at two hearts, four kidneys, and something weird was happening with my knees. I’m about to remove my robe and administer another self-check.
WOOSH -- her robe falls to the floor. Frankie GASPS.
FRANKIE (CONT’D)
Le uh-oh.
A KNOCK on Frankie’s door.
FRANKIE
Go away, Josh! Je ne veux pas te parler!
AGNES (from the other side of the door)
Uh, hello?
FRANKIE
Agnes? Coming!
She SCRAMBLES to get dressed and SLIDES OPEN THE DOOR.
FRANKIE
What are you doing here? Uh, I mean, hi Agnes, would you like to come in?
AGNES
Sure, thanks. I like your house robe. It’s so... billowy.
FRANKIE
Thank you. I’m growing a third arm.
Agnes politely LAUGHS like Frankie was joking and CLOSES THE DOOR behind them. They WALK deeper into Frankie’s pod.
FRANKIE
Come in, sit down. Can I make you a cup of tea?
AGNES
Wow, I didn’t realize your office was this big. I thought it was just that front area with all the machines and test tubes and stuff. Is that... a bed next to all your lab equipment? Do you live here?
FRANKIE
I have a kitchen set up around the corner too. That way I never have to leave!
AGNES
Is that safe?
FRANKIE
If it’s safe it’s not science, that’s what I always say. (beat) That’s a terrible thing to say. I never say that.
AGNES
It did sound roguish and debonair.
FRANKIE
Did it?
AGNES
Oh yeah. I’d throw myself into your arms on a storm-tossed heath any day.
We can hear the smile in Agnes’ voice. Frankie’s blushing, on the other hand, is completely silent.
AGNES
So! I’m here to ask you about the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today. ... That’s really not a great name, is it?
FRANKIE
It’s no SeatBallt. What did you want to ask?
AGNES
I just noticed you weren’t registered to attend.
FRANKIE
Yeah, I prefer not to leave the--
AGNES
So I registered you.
FRANKIE
Quoi?
AGNES
I just think it’s important that you’re there. And... I just found out that my ex will be attending. So I’d really like someone there with me. You know, for support.
FRANKIE
Josh will be there.
AGNES
Someone who remembers my name. Maybe someone who... she could see, you know, with me?
FRANKIE
With... you?
AGNES
Plus, it could be fun! We could share a hotel room!
This is a lot for Frankie to take in.
A beat.
FRANKIE
You’d... we’d... in the same...
AGNES
No boys allowed.
FRANKIE
Agnes, would you like to come over some evening? I could make pastrami sandwiches, and we could even drink some alcohol -- like, wine I mean. Not ethanol.
AGNES (into it)
Like, a date?
FRANKIE (barrelling ahead)
And then we could watch a movie. Like maybe “The Fly”? Cronenberg, 1980. Have you seen it?
Agnes wilts, suddenly remembering her mission.
AGNES
No. I haven’t watched a movie. I mean many movies. Haven’t watched many movies. Not really a movies kind of gal.
Frankie sees her freeze but doesn’t understand why. She wilts a little too.
FRANKIE
Well, you should see it. It’s good.
AGNES
Maybe. Sometime.
FRANKIE
Right. Well. I better let you get back to work.
She SLIDES OPEN THE DOOR to her pod. Agnes takes a step out the door but lingers.
AGNES
Okay. I’m looking forward to the convention.
FRANKIE (cold)
Yep. Me too.
She CLOSES THE DOOR with a SIGH.
INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY
Agnes WATERS PLANTS in the Amazing Labs lobby when Josh RUNS UP, excited.
JOSH
Agnes! I have to show you something!
AGNES
Hi Josh. I was just watering the rhododendrons. You know you have to water plants, right?
JOSH
Here! Plug this into your computer and open up your email.
AGNES
Right, my computer. Which I definitely have.
JOSH
Here, I’ll just do it on my phone. What’s your email address? Annie...
AGNES
Agnes.
JOSH
Agnes...
AGNES
... Green...
JOSH
At Amazing Labs dot biz. K, now compose an email to me. Say, “Hi Josh. I think you’re the greatest boss and best scientist.” Here, I’ll write it for you.
CLICKS as he types an email on his phone.
JOSH
And then I’m going to just add.... (type type type) And send. Aw, thanks Agnes. That was so nice.
AGNES
I feel like all this isn’t the best way to get positive affirmation. Wouldn’t it mean more if it were genuine?
JOSH
You didn’t mean what you said in your email?
AGNES
Josh--
JOSH
Okay, now I release the Trojan Horse...
He TYPES. Then, an “email received” DING.
JOSH
It worked! Here, read the reply!
AGNES (reading)
Hi Agnes, thank you so much for your kind words. While you’re not the best scientist like me, you’re still doing great. Love, Josh. P.S... Josh, this P.S. is like seven pages long.
JOSH
Exactly! I used your email to send myself a computer program that spills the beans on everything I really think! I’m calling it Auto-Philip. You know, because it auto-fills the--
AGNES (reading)
I haven’t thought too much about you, Agnes, because you are less successful than me. The only person whose opinion matters is my dad and I guess maybe Teddy Bright cause he’s kind of a father figure too. I’ve only talked to you as much as I have today because I’m really sad and scared about my dad and Frankie won’t talk to me and you’re the only person in the lab I’m not afraid of.
JOSH
Isn’t it great? I didn’t type that. It just filled it in.
AGNES
Do you think it’s a good thing for the, um, Auto-Philip to tell me all that?
JOSH
Of course it is. I made it! Here, you’ll see. We’ll try it on you. It’ll go through all of your internet history and all the emails you’ve sent and Facebook posts and your credit history and everything! Your whole digital existence!
AGNES
You know, I’m suddenly not feeling well...
JOSH
Just reply to the email. You can just write, hi.
AGNES
Sorry, I’m just going to go to the...
She RUNS AWAY.
JOSH
Agnes!
AGNES (from across the lobby)
I’ll be right back!
INT. AMAZING LABS - FRANKIE’S POD
Frankie’s memo device CLICKS ON.
FRANKIE
Frankie Amazing Research Log, Day Sixteen Part Two. The self-check exposed some... concerns. My body appears to be sprouting an extra appendage. I looked up “arm removal services” online, but so far it’s just wackos trying to buy guns from me.
From outside we hear a CAR REV.
FRANKIE
Wait, that sounds like Agnes’s car.
Frankie opens a window. We can hear the car more clearly. It’s booking it away from Amazing Labs, TIRES SQUEALING.
FRANKIE
Oh no....
INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - DAY
The DOOR OPENS.
FRANKIE
Have you seen Agnes?
JOSH
Yeah, she just ran out of here. She seemed really freaked out.
FRANKIE
Did she... say anything about me?
JOSH
About you? Why?
FRANKIE
No reason.
JOSH
Hey, I sent you an email. Did you see it?
FRANKIE
No. What was it about?
JOSH
Oh, um... it’s just a work thing.
FRANKIE
Well, we’re at work right now so why don’t you just tell me with your mouth-words?
JOSH
I just... I worked really hard on the email. And it’s just an email! I think you should answer it.
Frankie SIGHS.
FRANKIE
Whatever.
She SLAMS THE DOOR.
Time passes. A CLOCK TICKS. Josh SIGHS.
JOSH
Why won’t she answer her email?
DOLORES
You’re right.
JOSH
You know, you’re right, Dolores. About me being right.
DOLORES
Hello Josh.
He CLICKS HIS MOUSE.
JOSH
Zero new messages.
Another big frustrated SIGH from Josh.
JOSH
Do you think I should invent a truth serum? Or I could just get her drunk, that’s kinda like a truth serum.
DOLORES
You’re right.
Finally a NEW EMAIL ALERT dings.
JOSH
Yes! Moment of truth... oh yep. It looks like it worked. Hello...
DOLORES
Hello Josh.
JOSH
... the P.S. on this is like book- length. And like a boring grown-up book too, not just a Hardy Boys adventure.
Mouse CLICK. Mouse CLICK.
JOSH
Dang, and a lot of it is math. Hmm... wait--
BANG! Frankie explodes through the door.
FRANKIE
What the fish did you send me!?
JOSH
Frankie! Come here, let me hug you.
FRANKIE
What? Stop, get away from me! Wait, why do you want to hug me?
JOSH
I just read your email-- or like, some parts of your email, it was super long-- and... I didn’t realize you felt that way about Agnes. You know I’m your brother, you can tell me this stuff!
A big BEAT. Then Frankie SIGHS in defeat.
FRANKIE
I’m such an idiot. The first girl I ask out and she literally flees the building. Why did I think that anything else would happen? Why did I think an actual monster would stand a chance with, with someone who’s pretty, and normal?
JOSH
Yeah, I thought she left because of Auto-Philip, but turns out it was because of you.
FRANKIE
Yeah... I told her about my third arm.
JOSH
Your third...? Whoa, Frankie, what are you doing? Keep your clothes on! (a beat) Oh. Wow. It’s a little baby arm coming right out of your...
FRANKIE
I know.
JOSH
Well that’s handy. Get it, handy? Cause it’s a-- (off Frankie’s look) What? So you’re growing a third arm! That’s better than losing an arm, and people do that all the time.
FRANKIE
I was stupid to think someone could love me. Just look at me. I’m a platypus.
JOSH
If it makes you feel better. I think you’re very brave. I’ve never asked anyone out.
FRANKIE
Really?
JOSH
No need. I’ve got a very engaging pornography set-up.
FRANKIE
Oh gross!
JOSH
Hey, if Agnes doesn’t like you, then that’s her problem. Because you’re the best person in the world. Or a combination of the best people in the world anyway. No wonder Dad cares about you more. He may have put me in charge of the lab but he’s always cared about you more.
FRANKIE
He doesn’t care about me! He only cares about himself. He left us, Josh. He left us here alone. On purpose.
(a beat as she sighs) Which I guess means that all we really have is each other.
JOSH
... you wanna get drunk?
FRANKIE
Yep.
JOSH
I’ll meet you on the roof in ten minutes.
INT. FRANKIE’S POD - MOMENTS LATER
TOOLS CLANK. A SAW REVS.
FRANKIE
Okay, it’s now or never. You can do this. You. Can. Do. This.
A SWELL of INSPIRING MUSIC.
FRANKIE
You’re strong, you’re resilient, and you...
The SAW REVS LOUDER.
FRANKIE
... are going to have two arms! Like a normal person!
MUSIC CRESCENDOS! BUZZ SAW!
FRANKIE
Ahhh!!!
EXT. AMAZING LABS - ROOF
FOOTSTEPS up some metal stairs onto the roof.
JOSH
Frankie! What took you so... Ew! Why would you bring your severed baby arm to the roof?
FRANKIE
I thought you said it wasn’t gross.
JOSH
I never said that.
He CRACKS OPEN a beer bottle.
JOSH
Beer?
FRANKIE
Please.
JOSH (opening a second bottle)
To us?
FRANKIE
To us.
They CLINK their bottles together.
JOSH
Okay, please get rid of that weird arm. It’s very gross.
FRANKIE
Fine! Au revoir, little arm!
WOOSH! Frankie throws the arm off the roof. It crashes through some branches and then lands--
LAB TECH (distant)
Ow! What the? Ahh! AHHHHH!
JOSH
I’m hungry. You want some Crumblies?
INT. AMAZING LABS - JOSH’S BAY - LATER
FOOTSTEPS as Josh drunkenly crashes into things.
JOSH
Hellooooo Dolores.
DOLORES
Hello Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
Everything is perfect, Dolores! Thanks to Auto-Philip, Frankie is speaking to me again. We’re closer than ever! Maybe, we don’t need Dad after all! Maybe, we’re just fine without him! Should we still try to find him though? We should still try to find him.
DOLORES
Hello Josh.
JOSH
You know what, I think the whole world deserves Auto-Philip.
DOLORES
You’re right.
JOSH
Am I? You think they all deserve the happiness I feel right now?
DOLORES
You’re right.
JOSH
If you say so, Dolores. Let’s do it!
He TYPES QUICKLY.
JOSH
And... sent! Auto-Philip should be affecting all communication by tomorrow morning. Everyone will be one-hundred-percent honest with each other from now on. And it’s all thanks to me, Josh Amazing. If I could say one thing to everybody right now, it would be: Dear Earth... you’re welcome.
TAG
A PHONE RINGS.
DR. BECKY
Hello, Dr. Becky’s office.
TEDDY BRIGHT
Teddy Bright here. No time for pleasantries, I have a problem.
DR. BECKY
Has something gone wrong? You looked radiant on television last week. I hear the network renewed you for three seasons!
TEDDY BRIGHT
Listen, is it possible for something to go so right that it goes wrong again?
DR. BECKY
I don’t think I understand.
TEDDY BRIGHT
I’ve been using the nanobot treatment every day like you said. I’m veritably swimming with nanobots, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but... I think I’m getting too young.
DR. BECKY
Too young? Is there such thing?
TEDDY BRIGHT
I’m starting to get acne again. And some strange things are starting to happen to Teddy’s... downstairs situation. Can I take the nanobots out?
Teddy gets an INCOMING CALL ALERT.
DR. BECKY
I can check. We’ll talk on--
TEDDY BRIGHT
Hold on, I’m getting another call.
BEEP. He switches calls.
TEDDY BRIGHT
This is Teddy Bright.
ETHEL
This is Ethel from Nature’s Children. We met a few weeks ago on your episode about nanobots.
TEDDY
Right, with that whiny Josh Amazing kid. Wait, how did you get my personal number?
ETHEL
You have much bigger concerns than privacy right now, Mr. Bright. Something very wrong is happening to you, and Nature’s Children would like to help.
TEDDY
I’m listening...
END OF EPISODE