EPISODE 5 - TRANSCRIPT

INT. AMAZING LABS

LONG JOHN SILVERS’ ROBO LINE

Thank you for calling the Long John Silver’s Help Line. We hope you’re having a filet of a day! Long John Silver’s: Fish, Yeah!

A WRENCH and SNAP of cables. The call CUTS OUT. A BEAT.

JOSH

Frankie, what have you done!?

FRANKIE

What have I done, what have YOU done? Putain de merde!

JOSH

We had Dad on the line! Why did you unplug it?

FRANKIE

It wasn’t me! C’était toi!

JOSH

Huh?

FRANKIE

You did it! Plug it back in!

JOSH

I can’t plug it back in, the machine is broken!

FRANKIE

I stayed up all night with Sunan securing the cloud so you could look for Dad, and the second we find him you destroy the machine? What is your problem??

JOSH

I said it wasn’t me!

FRANKIE

You’re literally still holding the cord in your hand.

JOSH

I must have taken it from you. All I want to do is find Dad!

FRANKIE

Well you found him! You found him giving a very passionate speech to Long John Silvers!

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! Josh is kicking GlobalModem.

JOSH

Aghhhh! Never say that name again!

FRANKIE

Long John--

JOSH

FRANCES FRANKENSTEIN AMPLITUDE AMAZING!

FRANKIE

Why are you freaking out? What’s your problem with Long-- with that restaurant?

JOSH

I'll tell you why I’m freaking out! It was the summer of 1998...

WARBLY HARP STRINGS indicating we're about to travel BACK IN TIME.

INT. LONG JOHN SILVERS - IN THE PAST

CASHIER

Welcome to Long John Silvers! May I recommend getting jiggy with our 3- piece fish combo? Oh! Are you Doctor Amazing?

DR. AMAZING

Indeed I am!

CASHIER (little kid voice)

And that must make you little Joshy Amazing, huh? You know your dad is famous? It must be awesome to have a dad like that.

DR. AMAZING

This is indeed my progeny. Although frankly I was hoping he’d be a little more help in the laboratory by now. You know in China, 8-year-olds run entire companies! This one can’t even hold a test tube for six hours without crying.

CASHIER

O... kay.

DR. AMAZING

I'll have a basket of the handshucked clams sourced from coastal Atlantic waters and as many Crumblies as you can fit in the box.

JOSH

But we’d just gotten our order and sat down in a booth when...

A 1990s cell phone RINGS.

DR. AMAZING

Sunan, if it’s about those goddamn lawyers again--

Excited indistinct CHATTER on the other end of the line.

DR. AMAZING

She did what? Already?

More CHATTER.

DR. AMAZING

The Alpha Nanos weren’t supposed to integrate until July, but she’s... she’s awake?

More chatter.

DR. AMAZING

She’s looking at you right now. Uh huh. You know what? Eureka. And I never say Eureka. I’ll be right there.

We hear him STAND UP. BACK TO:


INT. AMAZING LABS - PRESENT DAY

JOSH

And I sat in that LJS until 8PM. He left me there, Frankie! He got so excited about his work that he forgot that I existed!

FRANKIE

About his “work”?

JOSH

The employees just kept bringing me out box after box of crumblies. Anything to get me to stop crying--

(registers the look on Frankie’s face)

Why are you looking at me like that? You’re supposed to feel sorry for me.

FRANKIE
Oh I do. I feel so sorry that your “family meal” was interrupted by one of Dad’s “experiments.”

Josh is starting to piece together why Frankie’s mad.

JOSH

I mean... a very important experiment... (off a glare from Frankie) My point is Dad actually cared about you! He’d never leave you in a Long John Silver’s.

FRANKIE

He did, though! He left us both, Josh! He literally left us both to go live on an island.

JOSH

We don’t know he left us on purpose! But I do know that every time I hear that foul name--

FRANKIE

Long John Silver’s?

JOSH

I remember how he left me behind cause he cared more about you!

FRANKIE

Well if Dad thought I’m so great, why didn’t he put me in charge of the lab?

JOSH

Why would he put you in charge of the lab? I’m here.

Frankie is stunned.

FRANKIE
You... never even considered that I’d be... a better... tu... espece... imbecile... (rage breaths) You know what?

We can hear Frankie stand up, grab her stuff.

FRANKIE

Fish you.

FOOTSTEPS storming out. BANG! She slams the door behind her.

CUT TO THEME SONG

INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY
Agnes WASHES DISHES in the break room as Josh RUNS UP.

JOSH

Agnes! Have you seen Frankie?

AGNES

Not today. Good morning, by the way.

JOSH

Ugh! I hate it when she does this. We were in the middle of a fight and she just stormed off! See, if I hurt her feelings, that’s just because she didn’t take the time to understand. If she’d let me explain-

Agnes can tell this is about to go full tirade.

AGNES

You know what, you’re so right. If I see Frankie, I’ll let her know you want to speak to her.

JOSH

Say that again.

AGNES

If I see Frankie, I’ll--

JOSH

No, the other part.

AGNES

What other part?

JOSH

The part where you said I was right!

AGNES

I said you were right?

JOSH (enjoying it)

Mmm, yeah. Can I record you saying that?

INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - LATER
The WHIR of an electric screwdriver. CLICK!

JOSH

That oughta do it.

DOLORES (a robotic version of Agnes’ voice)

Hello Josh.

JOSH

Hi affirmation-bot! Let’s start by giving you a name. Hmmm... how about Dolores? Dolores sounds like someone you can trust. Dolores would never abandon me to run off to French Polynesia. (beat) Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Dolores?

DOLORES

You’re right.

Josh takes in a DEEP APPRECIATIVE BREATH.

JOSH

See, this is what a great man needs in order to help mankind. (beat) That and some lunch.

DOLORES

Hello Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

You know what? You’re already more helpful than anyone else around here. I don’t need anybody but you.

DOLORES

Hello Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

Mm. Never gets old.

DOLORES

Hello Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

Yeahhh I’m just going to go find Frankie.

The DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS down the hall.

DOLORES
You’re right. Hello Josh. You’re--

Dolores’ voice FADES OUT as we follow Josh to...

INT. AMAZING LABS - RIGHT OUTSIDE FRANKIE’S POD

BANGBANGBANG! A fist on a metal door.

JOSH

Frankie? Frankie! I think we should talk about what happened! Are you in there?

He listens: just FAINT BEEPING and the sounds of a NATURE PROGRAM coming from Frankie’s pod.

JOSH

Did you get Agnes’s message!?

The DOOR IMMEDIATELY SLIDES OPEN A CRACK.

FRANKIE

Agnes said something?

JOSH

So you are in there!

FRANKIE

What did Agnes want?

JOSH

To tell you that you need to talk to me.

FRANKIE

Oh my god, Josh, go away. I’m working. I didn’t exactly want to talk to Dad, but I could’ve used a little help with the “turning into a francophonic Mrs. Potato Head” thing.

JOSH

The what?

FRANKIE

But now thanks your Daddy issues, I’m stuck trying to figure this out myself. So unless you have something work- related to discuss, I’m gonna need you to leave me the hell alone.

JOSH

Wait! Wait, I do have something work-related and, and super important...

He struggles for a minute.

FRANKIE

... the tech conference?

JOSH

That’s it, the tech conference!

FRANKIE

What about it? You and Agnes were supposed to be preparing something to present.

JOSH

I’ve been busy!

FRANKIE

Josh, the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today is tomorrow! It’s in one day, Josh! You told me you had this under control!

JOSH

I’ve had a lot on my plate! Finding Dad, losing Dad, fighting with you, um... can we just not go?

FRANKIE

Fine with me. Let the rest of the world think we’ve retreated into a cocoon of failure. I genuinely don’t care.

JOSH

Cocoon of-- you think people will tweet that?

FRANKIE

Again, I do not care.

JOSH

We have to prove we’re still Amazing! Who else is going to lead the world into Tomorrow Today except us? Friggin Apple? That’s just a fruit and everyone knows fruit is gross.

FRANKIE

Good-bye Josh.

CLANG! The door closes on him.

JOSH

But I just want to talk! Frankie!

INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY
Agnes turns the HAND CRANK to her phone.

AGNES (softly)

Come on... turn on... yes! Finally. BEEP BOOP BEEP - Agnes dials. RING. RING.

ICHABOD (over the phone)

Hello, you’ve reached Ichabod from Canadian Wireless. Do you have a moment to talk about an exciting opportunity?

AGNES

Good news. I’ve secured entry to the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today. I await further orders.

ICHABOD

Flow in your own riverbed, Agnes. Your assignment is to spy on Amazing Labs.

AGNES

See, I want to spy, I am spying, but... (low) The people here are kind of nice.

ICHABOD

What?

IN THE BACKGROUND:

ALEXA VOICE

CODE PINK. CODE PINK.

A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! The sound of LASERS.

LAB TECH 1

Ahhhh! I told you not to press E7!

LAB TECH 2

Why does the coke machine have lasers?

The KER-CHUNK of a coke can being dispensed.

ALEXA VOICE

CODE--

The mayhem stops.

AGNES

I said there's really see! I just think I could do better work at the convention.

ICHABOD

No need. We’re sending someone else.

AGNES

Someone else? Who?

ICHABOD (sighs)

Ethel.

AGNES

What??

ICHABOD

See, this is why we don’t want you at the convention. You need to stay focused. I know you and Ethel... have a history.

AGNES

I’m going with Amazing Labs. Josh needs me, I don’t think I can get out of it.

ICHABOD

Fine. I’ll let Ethel know. She’ll rendezvous with you at--

A DOOR OPENS.

JOSH

It’s a disaster.

AGNES (whispering)

Gotta go bye!

BEEP! She hangs up and stashes her phone.

AGNES

What is?

JOSH

Frankie, Dad, this tech convention, everything. (he flops into a chair) Do you have any snacks?

AGNES

Just some carrots.

JOSH

Why are they in a burlap sack? You know what, I don’t care, just hand em over. I need to drown my sorrows in something orange and crunchy.

AGNES

Sure.

JOSH (chewing)

Hey! These are pretty good! They're no Flavor-Disrupted Techno-Tech Chips, but still.

AGNES

Thanks! I grew them myself.

JOSH

Don’t be ridiculous, food comes from stores. Say, leave the sack, wouldja? I’ve got to get Frankie to try these. (his voice slumps) Oh yeah, she’s not talking to me.

AGNES

Maybe you should be honest with Frankie about how you feel instead of trying to be right all the time.

JOSH (defensive)

What do you mean “trying”?

AGNES

Okay, I have a story that might help... I used to date this girl back in my cult-- in my college days. She was smart, passionate. But she left to go undercover-- I mean... to go to grad school? And instead of telling her that I was proud of her, even though I didn’t want her to leave, we just never talked again. What I’m trying to say is, I should have just been honest about my feelings in the first place. And I’ve regretted it every day since.

JOSH

Agnes, you are pure genius.

AGNES

I am?

JOSH
I don’t know what you were saying just then, but your voice was the perfect tone and cadence for me to do some Grade-A thinking.

AGNES

Oh.

JOSH

Frankie and I just need to be honest with each other. More importantly, she needs to be honest with me.

AGNES

I’m not sure what that means, but--

JOSH

See ya later! You’re almost Amazing!

FOOTSTEPS and the DOOR SLAMS.

AGNES (deflated)

Thanks boss.

INT. JOSH’S OFFICE

The sound of a POWER DRILL.

JOSH

Feeling better, Dolores?

DOLORES

Hello Josh.

JOSH

Good. Okay, I’m gonna talk this all through and you can tell me what you think.

DOLORES

You’re right.

JOSH

Off to a good start. Okay, so I can’t do anything right now about my dad cause the GlobalModem is all broken forever. But don’t judge Dad too harshly, Dolores. I’m sure this is all a big mistake, like maybe he accidentally got in a plane crash like Tom Hanks in Cast Away and he was just calling Long J- (he gags) --he was just calling that restaurant to build up his strength to escape and come home. I just have to do an awesome job so Dad sees that I’m smart and he doesn’t ever leave me again. Right?

DOLORES

Hello, Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

Now all I have to do is trick Frankie into talking to me again. She can’t ignore me forever. Sooner or later she’s going to send me a work-related email. She’s always trying to do work, it’s so annoying.

DOLORES

Hello, Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

And when she does that, I’ll seize my opportunity.

DOLORES

Hello--

The POWER DRILL REVS.

JOSH

Just listen for a sec, okay Dolores? I’m going to use that work email to get to the bottom of things.

Josh starts TYPING AWAY on his computer.

JOSH

Cause inside that email will be a Trojan Horse and inside that horse will be a virus. And you know what that virus will do? (imitating Dolores) What will it do, Josh? (back to regular) It’ll plumb the very depths of Frankie’s heart and mind! It’ll read her email, her texts, her transcribed phone calls. It’ll even read her LiveJournal! It’ll crack Frankie open like a coconut. Emotionally speaking.

Josh TYPES AWAY.

JOSH

And it’s just... about...

TYPE TYPE TYPE.

JOSH

... done! Isn’t that great, Dolores? Don’t you think I’m... hmm...

POWER DRILL. POWER DRILL.

DOLORES
--o Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

Yes!

Josh HIGH FIVES HIMSELF.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT. AMAZING LABS - FRANKIE’S POD

A SPLASH sound effect.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR

Naturalist George Shaw described the platypus as “nature’s miscellany.” As you see, it seems to be composed of random body parts, almost like a Frankenstein. So it’s perhaps not so surprising that this hideous creature spends most of its time alone.

CLICK. Frankie TURNS OFF the TV.

FRANKIE

Rude.

She CLICKS ON her memo recorder.

FRANKIE

Frankie Amazing, Research Log, Day Sixteen. Josh blew our only chance to contact Dad, so I’m back to researching my condition on my own. Last time I checked, I was at two hearts, four kidneys, and something weird was happening with my knees. I’m about to remove my robe and administer another self-check.

WOOSH -- her robe falls to the floor. Frankie GASPS.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)

Le uh-oh.

A KNOCK on Frankie’s door.

FRANKIE

Go away, Josh! Je ne veux pas te parler!

AGNES (from the other side of the door)

Uh, hello?

FRANKIE

Agnes? Coming!

She SCRAMBLES to get dressed and SLIDES OPEN THE DOOR.

FRANKIE

What are you doing here? Uh, I mean, hi Agnes, would you like to come in?

AGNES

Sure, thanks. I like your house robe. It’s so... billowy.

FRANKIE

Thank you. I’m growing a third arm.

Agnes politely LAUGHS like Frankie was joking and CLOSES THE DOOR behind them. They WALK deeper into Frankie’s pod.

FRANKIE

Come in, sit down. Can I make you a cup of tea?

AGNES

Wow, I didn’t realize your office was this big. I thought it was just that front area with all the machines and test tubes and stuff. Is that... a bed next to all your lab equipment? Do you live here?

FRANKIE

I have a kitchen set up around the corner too. That way I never have to leave!

AGNES

Is that safe?

FRANKIE

If it’s safe it’s not science, that’s what I always say. (beat) That’s a terrible thing to say. I never say that.

AGNES

It did sound roguish and debonair.

FRANKIE

Did it?

AGNES

Oh yeah. I’d throw myself into your arms on a storm-tossed heath any day.

We can hear the smile in Agnes’ voice. Frankie’s blushing, on the other hand, is completely silent.

AGNES

So! I’m here to ask you about the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today. ... That’s really not a great name, is it?

FRANKIE

It’s no SeatBallt. What did you want to ask?

AGNES

I just noticed you weren’t registered to attend.

FRANKIE

Yeah, I prefer not to leave the--

AGNES

So I registered you.

FRANKIE

Quoi?

AGNES

I just think it’s important that you’re there. And... I just found out that my ex will be attending. So I’d really like someone there with me. You know, for support.

FRANKIE

Josh will be there.

AGNES

Someone who remembers my name. Maybe someone who... she could see, you know, with me?

FRANKIE

With... you?

AGNES

Plus, it could be fun! We could share a hotel room!

This is a lot for Frankie to take in.

A beat.

FRANKIE

You’d... we’d... in the same...

AGNES

No boys allowed.

FRANKIE

Agnes, would you like to come over some evening? I could make pastrami sandwiches, and we could even drink some alcohol -- like, wine I mean. Not ethanol.

AGNES (into it)

Like, a date?

FRANKIE (barrelling ahead)

And then we could watch a movie. Like maybe “The Fly”? Cronenberg, 1980. Have you seen it?

Agnes wilts, suddenly remembering her mission.

AGNES

No. I haven’t watched a movie. I mean many movies. Haven’t watched many movies. Not really a movies kind of gal.

Frankie sees her freeze but doesn’t understand why. She wilts a little too.

FRANKIE

Well, you should see it. It’s good.

AGNES

Maybe. Sometime.

FRANKIE

Right. Well. I better let you get back to work.

She SLIDES OPEN THE DOOR to her pod. Agnes takes a step out the door but lingers.

AGNES

Okay. I’m looking forward to the convention.

FRANKIE (cold)

Yep. Me too.

She CLOSES THE DOOR with a SIGH.

INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY

Agnes WATERS PLANTS in the Amazing Labs lobby when Josh RUNS UP, excited.

JOSH

Agnes! I have to show you something!

AGNES

Hi Josh. I was just watering the rhododendrons. You know you have to water plants, right?

JOSH

Here! Plug this into your computer and open up your email.

AGNES

Right, my computer. Which I definitely have.

JOSH

Here, I’ll just do it on my phone. What’s your email address? Annie...

AGNES

Agnes.

JOSH

Agnes...

AGNES

... Green...

JOSH

At Amazing Labs dot biz. K, now compose an email to me. Say, “Hi Josh. I think you’re the greatest boss and best scientist.” Here, I’ll write it for you.

CLICKS as he types an email on his phone.

JOSH

And then I’m going to just add.... (type type type) And send. Aw, thanks Agnes. That was so nice.

AGNES

I feel like all this isn’t the best way to get positive affirmation. Wouldn’t it mean more if it were genuine?

JOSH

You didn’t mean what you said in your email?

AGNES

Josh--

JOSH

Okay, now I release the Trojan Horse...

He TYPES. Then, an “email received” DING.

JOSH

It worked! Here, read the reply!

AGNES (reading)

Hi Agnes, thank you so much for your kind words. While you’re not the best scientist like me, you’re still doing great. Love, Josh. P.S... Josh, this P.S. is like seven pages long.

JOSH

Exactly! I used your email to send myself a computer program that spills the beans on everything I really think! I’m calling it Auto-Philip. You know, because it auto-fills the--

AGNES (reading)

I haven’t thought too much about you, Agnes, because you are less successful than me. The only person whose opinion matters is my dad and I guess maybe Teddy Bright cause he’s kind of a father figure too. I’ve only talked to you as much as I have today because I’m really sad and scared about my dad and Frankie won’t talk to me and you’re the only person in the lab I’m not afraid of.

JOSH

Isn’t it great? I didn’t type that. It just filled it in.

AGNES

Do you think it’s a good thing for the, um, Auto-Philip to tell me all that?

JOSH

Of course it is. I made it! Here, you’ll see. We’ll try it on you. It’ll go through all of your internet history and all the emails you’ve sent and Facebook posts and your credit history and everything! Your whole digital existence!

AGNES

You know, I’m suddenly not feeling well...

JOSH

Just reply to the email. You can just write, hi.

AGNES

Sorry, I’m just going to go to the...

She RUNS AWAY.

JOSH

Agnes!

AGNES (from across the lobby)

I’ll be right back!

INT. AMAZING LABS - FRANKIE’S POD

Frankie’s memo device CLICKS ON.

FRANKIE

Frankie Amazing Research Log, Day Sixteen Part Two. The self-check exposed some... concerns. My body appears to be sprouting an extra appendage. I looked up “arm removal services” online, but so far it’s just wackos trying to buy guns from me.

From outside we hear a CAR REV.

FRANKIE

Wait, that sounds like Agnes’s car.

Frankie opens a window. We can hear the car more clearly. It’s booking it away from Amazing Labs, TIRES SQUEALING.

FRANKIE

Oh no....

INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - DAY

The DOOR OPENS.

FRANKIE

Have you seen Agnes?

JOSH

Yeah, she just ran out of here. She seemed really freaked out.

FRANKIE

Did she... say anything about me?

JOSH

About you? Why?

FRANKIE

No reason.

JOSH

Hey, I sent you an email. Did you see it?

FRANKIE

No. What was it about?

JOSH
Oh, um... it’s just a work thing.

FRANKIE
Well, we’re at work right now so why don’t you just tell me with your mouth-words?

JOSH

I just... I worked really hard on the email. And it’s just an email! I think you should answer it.

Frankie SIGHS.

FRANKIE

Whatever.

She SLAMS THE DOOR.

Time passes. A CLOCK TICKS. Josh SIGHS.

JOSH

Why won’t she answer her email?

DOLORES

You’re right.

JOSH

You know, you’re right, Dolores. About me being right.

DOLORES

Hello Josh.

He CLICKS HIS MOUSE.

JOSH

Zero new messages.

Another big frustrated SIGH from Josh.

JOSH

Do you think I should invent a truth serum? Or I could just get her drunk, that’s kinda like a truth serum.

DOLORES

You’re right.

Finally a NEW EMAIL ALERT dings.

JOSH

Yes! Moment of truth... oh yep. It looks like it worked. Hello...

DOLORES

Hello Josh.

JOSH

... the P.S. on this is like book- length. And like a boring grown-up book too, not just a Hardy Boys adventure.

Mouse CLICK. Mouse CLICK.

JOSH
Dang, and a lot of it is math. Hmm... wait--

BANG! Frankie explodes through the door.

FRANKIE

What the fish did you send me!?

JOSH

Frankie! Come here, let me hug you.

FRANKIE

What? Stop, get away from me! Wait, why do you want to hug me?

JOSH

I just read your email-- or like, some parts of your email, it was super long-- and... I didn’t realize you felt that way about Agnes. You know I’m your brother, you can tell me this stuff!

A big BEAT. Then Frankie SIGHS in defeat.

FRANKIE

I’m such an idiot. The first girl I ask out and she literally flees the building. Why did I think that anything else would happen? Why did I think an actual monster would stand a chance with, with someone who’s pretty, and normal?

JOSH

Yeah, I thought she left because of Auto-Philip, but turns out it was because of you.

FRANKIE

Yeah... I told her about my third arm.

JOSH

Your third...? Whoa, Frankie, what are you doing? Keep your clothes on! (a beat) Oh. Wow. It’s a little baby arm coming right out of your...

FRANKIE

I know.

JOSH

Well that’s handy. Get it, handy? Cause it’s a-- (off Frankie’s look) What? So you’re growing a third arm! That’s better than losing an arm, and people do that all the time.

FRANKIE

I was stupid to think someone could love me. Just look at me. I’m a platypus.

JOSH

If it makes you feel better. I think you’re very brave. I’ve never asked anyone out.

FRANKIE

Really?

JOSH

No need. I’ve got a very engaging pornography set-up.

FRANKIE

Oh gross!

JOSH

Hey, if Agnes doesn’t like you, then that’s her problem. Because you’re the best person in the world. Or a combination of the best people in the world anyway. No wonder Dad cares about you more. He may have put me in charge of the lab but he’s always cared about you more.

FRANKIE

He doesn’t care about me! He only cares about himself. He left us, Josh. He left us here alone. On purpose.

(a beat as she sighs) Which I guess means that all we really have is each other.

JOSH
... you wanna get drunk?

FRANKIE

Yep.

JOSH

I’ll meet you on the roof in ten minutes.

INT. FRANKIE’S POD - MOMENTS LATER

TOOLS CLANK. A SAW REVS.

FRANKIE

Okay, it’s now or never. You can do this. You. Can. Do. This.

A SWELL of INSPIRING MUSIC.

FRANKIE

You’re strong, you’re resilient, and you...

The SAW REVS LOUDER.

FRANKIE
... are going to have two arms! Like a normal person!

MUSIC CRESCENDOS! BUZZ SAW!

FRANKIE

Ahhh!!!

EXT. AMAZING LABS - ROOF

FOOTSTEPS up some metal stairs onto the roof.

JOSH

Frankie! What took you so... Ew! Why would you bring your severed baby arm to the roof?

FRANKIE

I thought you said it wasn’t gross.

JOSH

I never said that.

He CRACKS OPEN a beer bottle.

JOSH

Beer?

FRANKIE

Please.

JOSH (opening a second bottle)

To us?

FRANKIE

To us.

They CLINK their bottles together.

JOSH

Okay, please get rid of that weird arm. It’s very gross.

FRANKIE
Fine! Au revoir, little arm!

WOOSH! Frankie throws the arm off the roof. It crashes through some branches and then lands--

LAB TECH (distant)

Ow! What the? Ahh! AHHHHH!

JOSH

I’m hungry. You want some Crumblies?

INT. AMAZING LABS - JOSH’S BAY - LATER

FOOTSTEPS as Josh drunkenly crashes into things.

JOSH

Hellooooo Dolores.

DOLORES

Hello Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

Everything is perfect, Dolores! Thanks to Auto-Philip, Frankie is speaking to me again. We’re closer than ever! Maybe, we don’t need Dad after all! Maybe, we’re just fine without him! Should we still try to find him though? We should still try to find him.

DOLORES

Hello Josh.

JOSH

You know what, I think the whole world deserves Auto-Philip.

DOLORES

You’re right.

JOSH

Am I? You think they all deserve the happiness I feel right now?

DOLORES

You’re right.

JOSH

If you say so, Dolores. Let’s do it!

He TYPES QUICKLY.

JOSH

And... sent! Auto-Philip should be affecting all communication by tomorrow morning. Everyone will be one-hundred-percent honest with each other from now on. And it’s all thanks to me, Josh Amazing. If I could say one thing to everybody right now, it would be: Dear Earth... you’re welcome.

TAG
A PHONE RINGS.

DR. BECKY

Hello, Dr. Becky’s office.

TEDDY BRIGHT

Teddy Bright here. No time for pleasantries, I have a problem.

DR. BECKY

Has something gone wrong? You looked radiant on television last week. I hear the network renewed you for three seasons!

TEDDY BRIGHT

Listen, is it possible for something to go so right that it goes wrong again?

DR. BECKY

I don’t think I understand.

TEDDY BRIGHT

I’ve been using the nanobot treatment every day like you said. I’m veritably swimming with nanobots, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but... I think I’m getting too young.

DR. BECKY

Too young? Is there such thing?

TEDDY BRIGHT

I’m starting to get acne again. And some strange things are starting to happen to Teddy’s... downstairs situation. Can I take the nanobots out?

Teddy gets an INCOMING CALL ALERT.

DR. BECKY

I can check. We’ll talk on--

TEDDY BRIGHT

Hold on, I’m getting another call.

BEEP. He switches calls.

TEDDY BRIGHT

This is Teddy Bright.

ETHEL

This is Ethel from Nature’s Children. We met a few weeks ago on your episode about nanobots.

TEDDY

Right, with that whiny Josh Amazing kid. Wait, how did you get my personal number?

ETHEL

You have much bigger concerns than privacy right now, Mr. Bright. Something very wrong is happening to you, and Nature’s Children would like to help.

TEDDY

I’m listening...

END OF EPISODE