EPISODE 6 - TRANSCRIPT
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
Crowds MURMUR in a large echoing space.
ANNOUNCER (over a loudspeaker)
Welcome to the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today. Attention: To Bee or Kill the Bees? A Panel on the Ethics of Bioengineering, has moved to Conference Room Five. (beat) All security units to the dining hall, the Zuckerberg clones are fighting again. (beat) Attention: Amazing Labs is now releasing its new software Auto- Phillip: Making Communicating Commun-amazing.
The microphone squeals as a new voice is heard.
JOSH
Hi, this is Dr. Josh Amazing, I’d like to make an announcement.
ANNOUNCER
Sir, this is the official Convention microphone, for convention business only.
JOSH
You know what’s overrated? E-mails. Why do we read them? I mean, it’s just words on a screen. Getting those pings and buzzes all day, making your pants tingly. In fact, communicating in general is stupid! Why don’t we all throw our phones away right now?
The sound of a phone HITTING A WALL.
JOSH
See? It’s easy!
ANNOUNCER
Give me that mic! Security!
Josh and the Announcer SCUFFLE. The mic SQUEALS with feedback.
JOSH
Ow! Stop pulling my hair!
The Announcer’s e-mail PINGS. Then PINGS again.
ANNOUNCER
Hold on. I just got an email from my boss. (reads) “P.S., Lillian, I find your voice shrill and irritating. I also hate your lavender pantsuit. It makes you look like a Teletubby.” He told me he loved my lavender pantsuit, what the hell?
JOSH
I told you to throw your phone away! (desperately into the microphone) Nobody check your e-mails! Just - don’t do it! Ever again!
Across the convention center, e-mails fly back and forth. They are opened. They are read. Angry MUTTERING.
ANNOUNCER
Attention: Josh Amazing is banned from this convention. Forever!
JOSH
Oh fish.
CUT TO THEME SONG
INT. FRANKIE’S POD - DAY
Frankie watches a nature documentary and eats ice cream.
DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR
Lonesome George, a Pinta Island tortoise from the Galapagos Islands, is the very last of his kind. For years, his species kept sailors and pirates well-fed on the high seas. Now, centuries later, George alone survived.
Frankie BLOWS HER NOSE. CLICK - her recording device turns on.
FRANKIE
Frankie Amazing, Research Log, Day Seventeen. I asked Agnes on a date, and based on the speed of her car as she screeched away, I’m pretty sure I scared her off for good. So I’ve abandoned my self-examinations and am instead watching “Our Technically Still Living Planet” and pounding fudge ripple ice cream.
Josh HAMMERS on Frankie’s door.
JOSH
Frankie! Frankie, open the door!
FRANKIE turns up the volume on the nature documentary.
DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR
Each endangered species presents unique challenges, including inbreeding and lack of genetic diversity, individuals who may never have seen another of their kind, and sibling rivalry on an extreme scale-
JOSH (O.S.)
Frankie! Helloooooo? I know you can hear me!
FRANKIE
Shut up! I’m trying to wallow in peace!
JOSH (O.S.)
It’s an emergency! Again!
FRANKIE
What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at the conference!
JOSH (O.S.)
They banned me! I’m banned from the Convention of Inventions For Tomorrow Today! Today, and tomorrow! And forever! I shrewed everything up!
Frankie OPENS THE DOOR.
FRANKIE
I’ve shrewed everything up too.
JOSH
What’s on your face? Besides your face.
FRANKIE
Triple Chocolate Fudge Ripple.
The sound of Josh tripping over a mountain of ice cream cartons.
JOSH
Ow! How much ice cream have you eaten?
FRANKIE
Not enough to drown my sorrow.
FRANKIE bursts into tears.
FRANKIE
Agnes is gone forever! I’m going to die alone like Galapagos George!
JOSH
I mean, she’s just at the convention. She’ll probably come back. She left several burlap sacks full of carrots in her locker. Anyway, I’m really sorry you’re sad but can we talk about my problem? I need to fix Auto-Phillip and I can’t do that without getting back into the convention!
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
Agnes moves through the outraged crowd.
AGNES (annoyed, talking to herself)
Where is she? Ichabod said to meet her in the lobby, I don’t have time for this! Ethel?
We hear snatches of ARGUMENTS.
CONVENTION ATTENDEE
I can’t believe you think my Home Chef AI is a “glorified Easy-Bake Oven!”
CONVENTION ATTENDEE 2
Well I can’t believe you wasted your time instead of investing in my Unkillable Goldfish!
CONVENTION ATTENDEE
You can’t eat goldfish! What’s the point?
CONVENTION ATTENDEE 2
Let’s ask this lady which invention is better. Miss! Miss!
AGNES
Sorry, I’m looking for someone.
Agnes’ phone RINGS. And RINGS.
AGNES (muttering at her phone)
Not right now, Josh!
The phone keeps RINGING.
AGNES
Stop ringing! Stupid phone! ARRGH!
Agnes hurls the phone onto the floor.
ETHEL
Now that’s how technology should be treated.
AGNES
Oh. Hi.
ETHEL
Twinkle twinkle little star-
AGNES
How I don’t wonder what you are, for mankind was never meant to meddle in the cosmos.
ETHEL
Hello, Agnes.
AGNES
Hi. It’s... good to see you. It’s been a long time.
ETHEL
We can’t talk here. Too many recording devices and other abominations of technology. Follow me.
She and Agnes walk quickly into a nearby hotel room and CLOSE THE DOOR.
AGNES
It’s really good to see you, Ethel.
ETHEL
There’s no time for a touching reunion! The fate of the natural world rests on our shoulders. We’ve received your transcriptions of Dr. Amazing’s notes. You’ve done good work.
AGNES
I guess so.
ETHEL
But you shouldn’t be here. You’re supposed to be at Amazing Labs.
AGNES
I was compromised! Josh has this new invention he tried to use on me and I was--
ETHEL
Yes, yes, Auto-Phillip, I know. It’s thrown all these techno-titans into confusion. Josh is so grossly incompetent, I’d almost think he was on our side. But that fool revealed his invention too early and it’s gotten him banned from the conference.
AGNES
And that’s... bad?
ETHEL
It’s very bad! Nature’s Children has something big planned for the conference and Josh’s presence is a key part of our plan!
AGNES
Okay. I’ll call him. Oh but shoot, I broke my crank phone in the lobby earlier.
ETHEL
You can use mine.
The BANG of a very heavy phone landing on a table and the crank turning.
INT. FRANKIE'S POD - DAY
BEEPS and BOOPS of Frankie’s pod. Josh’s PHONE RINGS.
JOSH
Yello?
AGNES (from the phone)
Hi Josh. It’s Agnes.
JOSH (whispering)
It’s her!
FRANKIE (whispering)
Don’t mention me!
JOSH
Heyyyy, Agnes. You know I noticed that you kind of ran out of here quickly the other day. Hope you weren’t terrified by anything at the Lab, haha -
AGNES (from the phone)
Of course not. I um... I left because I was planning a surprise.
JOSH
No way! I love surprises!
AGNES (from the phone)
I know. It’s here at the convention, where I am, and where you’re supposed to be?
JOSH
Ugh, those losers banned me for life! I sent you a text about it! Foot emoji, door emoji, sad face emoji? What else could that possibly mean?
AGNES (from the phone)
No, I know you’ve been kicked out. I think I found a way back in.
JOSH
Really?
AGNES
Yeah. I’ll just...
ETHEL (whispers)
Seduce the convention President.
AGNES (whispers, to Ethel)
Why do you always want to solve every problem with sex?
JOSH (from the phone)
Did you say something about sex? Should I loop in HR?
AGNES
What? No, just-- just get here, okay?
JOSH
I knew you wouldn’t abandon us, even if Frankie did make you uncomfortable.
AGNES
What?
JOSH
Bye now! See you at the convention!
AGNES
Wait, Josh-- Frankie didn’t make me uncomfortable! What did she tell you?
JOSH
You can ask her yourself, she’s right - OW!
Frankie has kicked Josh with one of her legs.
JOSH
I mean... she just stepped out. Would you like to leave a message?
AGNES
Just... Tell her hi. From me. And... I miss her.
The CLICK and WHIRR of the crank-phone winding down.
ETHEL
You miss someone? Are you talking about Dr. Amazing’s secret Frankenstein daughter? Your notes about her were detailed at first but then they just stopped. I knew something fishy was going on.
AGNES
Nothing fishy is going on, it’s just-- it’s hard to make my notes comprehensive when they are tied to a passenger pigeon. I had to keep it brief.
ETHEL
I thought you said she was an insignificant part of the lab.
AGNES
She is!
ETHEL
She doesn’t sound insignificant to you.
AGNES
Why are we wasting time nitpicking my reports when we should be working on how to get Josh unbanned from the convention?
ETHEL
I don’t care how you do it, but get Josh to the main convention hall at exactly six o’clock. Here, take this hourglass.
AGNES
It’s fine, I have a watch... Okay, thank you. Oof, it’s heavy.
ETHEL
It keeps time and can be used as a bludgeoning weapon. Nature is versatile!
AGNES
I don’t know if an hourglass is “nature” exactly, but--
A CRASH and WOOD SPLINTERS as Ethel chops the crank phone apart with an axe.
AGNES
Holy Walden! Why do you have an axe?
ETHEL
Gotta destroy the crank-phone before they trace us. These techies have mechanical eyes and ears everywhere. Oh trusty axe-blade, you will never betray us... say thank you to the axe, Agnes.
AGNES (sighs)
Thank you axe, for you are powered by our hands and not a motor.
ETHEL
See you at six.
INT. FRANKIE'S POD - DAY
BEEPS and BOOPS of Frankie’s pod.
JOSH
New plan! Frankie, you come with me back to the hotel. You help me fix Auto-Philip, I present it at the convention, everyone loves Auto- Phillip, everyone loves each other, everyone loves me-
FRANKIE
Arretes de dire “amour”!
She takes a DEEP BREATH to calm herself.
FRANKIE
There’s one flaw in your plan. Two flaws, actually. Three. Maybe four...
JOSH
Stop counting and just tell me what they are!
FRANKIE
One: You’re still banned from the convention. Two: You haven’t fixed Auto-Phillip. Three: Even if you solve the first two problems, I’m not going to a public event where thousands of people will see me!
JOSH
Come onnnn, just because your heart is broken doesn’t mean your brain is broken! You gotta take a risk! Ladies love grand gestures!
FRANKIE
How would you know?
JOSH
Me and Dolores’ relationship has been going great. Not that you’ve asked.
DOLORES
Hello, Josh. You’re right!
FRANKIE
Oh yeah, an ever-growing collection of robots whose only purpose is to fluff your ego. You’re really an expert on relationships.
JOSH
Ooh! You could try the Amazing Classic! Dad picked Mom up for their first date on a hovercraft and nine months later, boom! I was born!
FRANKIE
I know! And it wasn’t until your happy little normal family broke up that Dad decided to grow a second freak child in a jar, no romance required. I’m literally the product of freaky science and sadness. Which feels about right.
JOSH
You know you make it very difficult to help you. What I’m trying to say is, you’re great. You’re brilliant and cool and you’ve got a wry Daria sarcasm thing going on that I might personally find a little offputting but I bet Agnes totally loves. You gotta think positive!
FRANKIE
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but... okay. I’ll help you. But I’m not going on a stage or into any crowded rooms. And I’m wearing my suit of armor.
JOSH
Yes! You can literally be her knight in shining armor. You just clank on up to her and you say, “Agnes. Je love you, amoré, etcetera.” Maybe give her some nice flowers. She’ll love it.
FRANKIE (excited despite herself)
Oh fish, am I really doing this?
CLANKS and BANGS as Josh helps Frankie dress in her armor.
JOSH
I think we’re gonna need to do a little welding on your suit of armor first. Looks like your baby arm grew back and I don’t know what’s happening with your knees.
FRANKIE (sighs)
Get the blowtorch. I’m coming for you, Agnes!
INT. JOSH’S HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Armor CLANKS as Frankie and Josh enter the hotel room. The door shuts behind them.
FRANKIE
Whew, I thought we were in trouble there for a second. Hotel security kept staring at us.
JOSH
You’re being paranoid.
FRANKIE
This was a mistake. I can feel it in my bones. All 400 of them.
The sound of a TOILET FLUSHING.
FRANKIE
What was that?! Where can I hide?
JOSH
Under the bed!
The CLANK OF ARMOR as Frankie dives under the bed. Agnes emerges from the bathroom.
AGNES
Oh! Josh! I didn’t think you’d get back here so soon.
JOSH
Oh! Yeah, I had Tony the Chauffeur-Bot violate every traffic law in the state to get here. In Wisconsin, I mean. I don’t think Illinois really has traffic laws per se.
AGNES
Who’s that under the bed? Is that Frankie?
FRANKIE
Um. Hi, Agnes.
A charged moment as Frankie crawls out. Sweeping VIOLINS.
AGNES
Checking for dust bunnies, I’ve always admired your thoroughness. So, Josh, you’re here early. Which is great! Why wouldn’t it be? Um. Josh, why don’t you take a nice relaxing dip in the pool?
JOSH
Ohhhh I get it. I should go swim in the pool. So you and Frankie can be alone in the room.
FRANKIE (embarrassed)
Josh, that’s completely unprofessional!
JOSH
Say no more! I’ll get my swimmy trunks.
Josh exits, WHISTLING.
AGNES
Frankie, I’m so glad to see you. There’s a lot going on right now but I want you to know that me... driving very quickly away from the lab... had nothing to do with you.
FRANKIE
Oh. I mean, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Driving... quickly?
AGNES
And we should totally talk more about that later, but right now we have a bigger problem. I haven’t gotten Josh unbanned from the convention.
FRANKIE
Oh. Of course. Let’s... talk more about my brother.
AGNES
I tried to get him un-banned, but the head of security said she didn’t have time to deal with me cause she was too busy running after her toddler. Apparently the Convention doesn’t provide childcare.
FRANKIE
And?
AGNES
And... I need your help.
FRANKIE
This sounds like a people project and I don’t know if you’ve met me, but I don’t really know how to... people.
AGNES
I get it. I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.
FRANKIE
Wait, I think I might have something! I may not know how to people... but animals, I get. Froo- froo!
AGNES
Bless you?
FRANKIE
No, Froo-froo. Josh’s genetically modified super-dog.
AGNES
Oh, I know Froo-froo. She’s hell on a leash. And I’m pretty sure Josh was lying when he said she’s had all her shots.
FRANKIE
Definitely. So kids love animals, right? And Amazing Labs has been experimenting with bio-engineering for awhile. We have quite a collection of unusual creatures. There’s the spider- llama, the spider-bear-llama--
AGNES
Which does whatever a spider-bear- llama does?
FRANKIE
Spiderman reference, very good!
AGNES
What’s Spiderman?
FRANKIE
... never mind. My point is, Froo- froo’s just the tip of the genetically engineered iceberg. If we set up an petting zoo for the convention staff’s childcare needs...
AGNES
Then they have to un-ban Amazing Labs from the convention! You’re a genius! I’ll call Sunan and have them send over a few trailers!
INT. HOTEL POOL - AFTERNOON
Josh SPLASHES in the pool. Frankie and Agnes BURST IN.
JOSH (singing to himself)
Splashin’ in the pool in my swimmy trunks!
FRANKIE
Josh! We did it!
AGNES
You’re un-banned from the convention!
FRANKIE
Sunan is driving over a trailer of Amazing Animals as we speak. (in a burst of daring) And, since you’ll be busy fixing Auto-Phillip, maybe I could take Agnes to help me set up the petting zoo? That is, if you’re okay being seen in public... with me.
JOSH
Of course Agnes wants to be seen in public with you. You’re a genius with a cool suit of armor. You gotta think positive! (gasps as it hits him) Eureka! Topeka! Paprika! I’ve got it! I know how to fix Auto- Phillip. It just hit me like a ton of genius bricks. How do you fix radical honesty?
Silence.
JOSH
Filter only for positives! Introducing the Positive Patch! If you don’t have something nice to say, Auto-Phillip won’t say it at all!
FRANKIE
That’s actually... not a bad idea.
JOSH
And I thought of it all by myself!
FRANKIE
See? We don’t need Dad!
AGNES
You could present it tonight to the convention! At, say, exactly six o’clock! I’ll get it set up!
JOSH
Thanks Agnes! You’re the best assistant ever!
FRANKIE
You really are.
AGNES
Thanks Frankie. I think you’re -
LOUD SPLASHING SOUNDS as Josh obliviously swims laps in the pool.
FRANKIE
Sorry, you were saying?
AGNES
I think you are -
MORE SPLASHING.
FRANKIE
Maybe we should go start setting up.
EXT. CONVENTION PETTING ZOO - AFTERNOON
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the Bioengineering Barn. Pet the animals of tomorrow, today!
Sounds of the petting zoo. The occasional clank and clang of Frankie’s armor.
FRANKIE
I feel like everyone’s staring. Sorry, I know a suit of armor isn’t date-appropriate.
AGNES
No, it’s great! It’s so Medieval! Those were simpler times. Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time, to before technology infiltrated the world.
FRANKIE
Yeah, they sure loved it when two women went on dates back then. No to mention, you know, Frankenstein. Break out the mobs and the pitchforks.
AGNES
Oh. Huh.
FRANKIE (brightly)
Although I guess technically I wouldn’t have been alive in the first place, since nanobots hadn’t been invented yet.
AGNES
That’s... a good point.
FRANKIE
Can you imagine living without indoor plumbing? Doing your business in a bucket?
AGNES
Yeah I do not miss that. I mean... I would not want that. Yay toilets. Oh my gosh, look at this cute little guy! Hello! What’s your name?
FRANKIE
A PandaOtter. “Engineered to be the world’s cutest animal.”
AGNES
And look at the Butterfrogs! Look at their wings!
FRANKIE
You know, I thought I’d hear more screaming and barfing by this time. These animals are so... unnatural.
AGNES
Are you serious? The animals are so cute, everyone loves them. Those kids are going crazy for the Hippo- Otter-Moose!
FRANKIE
But they’re not normal. They’re...
ETHEL
Abominations?
AGNES
Uh, hello and welcome to the petting zoo, random stranger lady who I definitely have no previous relationship with. I don’t think these animals are abominations. I think they’re special. Unique. Amazing.
FRANKIE
Really?
AGNES
Really-really.
ETHEL
Perhaps I should take a closer look. Young lady, can you tell me about this... specimen?
FRANKIE
Agnes, why don’t you answer her questions while I grab us some milkshakes from the cafe? I’ll be right back.
AGNES
Good idea! Maybe you should take the scenic route!
FRANKIE
You know what, maybe I will! Everyone’s been so much nicer about my armor than I thought they’d be.
AGNES (stressed, trying to get rid of her)
Yay! Have fun!
Frankie CLANKS away. Agnes turns on Ethel.
AGNES
Nice going! You almost blew my cover!
ETHEL
It doesn’t look like you’re undercover. It looks like you’re on a date!
AGNES
This date got Josh un-banned from the convention!
ETHEL
Then where is he? He’s supposed to be on stage for his very public humiliation and our very deserved triumph at six o’clock sharp.
AGNES
I’ve got it under control.
ETHEL
It’s five thirty, soldier! Your hourglass is out, Josh is nowhere to be found, and you’re here making kissing faces at abominations against nature!
AGNES
You say one more word about Frankie and I’ll punch you so hard--
ETHEL
Wow, Agnes. I meant the animals. Listen, I know we have an... awkward history... but you cannot lose sight of the mission now, not at this crucial moment. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was this duck. And the duck swam with the other ducks in a clean, fresh pond untouched by the pollution of man. But one day, an evil wizard came to the pond, and filled it with toxic sludge and nanobots and foul jar-opening robots. So the ducks all got together and picked the brave little duck to infiltrate the wizard’s tower and destroy his life’s work.
AGNES
What does a duck have to do with -
ETHEL
Don’t interrupt. And everyone was very proud of the duck as she swam off. When she got to the tower, she found a magic crystal that would cleanse the pond and dropped it in the water. But just being in the evil wizard’s tower meant that the duck got all covered in evil sludge, too. She had been tainted by the wizard’s magic, so she couldn’t come back to the pond. Her presence could corrupt all the other animals. You and I, Agnes? We’re both sludged-up ducks.
Agnes stares at Ethel in dismay.
AGNES
“Sludged-up ducks,” what are you talking about?
ETHEL
You know that saying “you can never go home again?” It’s true. For both of us.
AGNES
But... the cult is my life.
ETHEL
Your life is the cult’s! Don’t get sidetracked.
ANNOUNCER
Attention: “Don’t worry, I fixed it!” A tech presentation by Josh Amazing, will take place in the main hall in ten minutes.
ETHEL
Shit, I’ve got to pick up the asset. You’ve got a job to do, Agnes. Do it for Mother Nature. Hurry!
ETHEL fades into the crowd.
AGNES
Wait! What asset? What’s the plan? I didn’t agree to-- Ethel! Argh!
The CLANK of armor as Frankie approaches.
FRANKIE
I’ve got milkshakes! (noticing Agnes’ stress) Did something happen? Are you okay?
AGNES
Do you ever feel like you’re all alone in the world? Like a sludged- up duck?
FRANKIE
Hmm. I’m not exactly sure what a “sludged-up duck” is. But Agnes, you’re not alone. You have Amazing Labs. Josh is talking about promoting you to executive assistant. And... you have me. I was really worried when you left.
AGNES
Really?
FRANKIE
Really-really.
A beat. Agnes suddenly comes to a big decision.
AGNES
Oh Frankie, I made a big mistake. We gotta get Josh off that stage! Come on!
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - MAIN STAGE - NIGHT
Josh paces backstage, practicing his presentation.
JOSH
Hello everyone, I’m Dr. Amazing. Hello everyone, you probably know me as Dr. Josh Amazing.
ANNOUNCER
For those of you who have not left the convention in a huff, in fifteen minutes the main stage will present: “Don’t worry, I fixed it!” A tech presentation by Josh Amazing.
Josh is backstage, pacing nervously. He peers behind the convention curtain.
JOSH
Wow, there are a lot of people here. Where the fish are Frankie and Agnes? They were supposed to help me!
DOLORES
Hello, Josh. You’re right.
JOSH
Stop agreeing with me! I’m sorry Dolores, but I think I need my real friends right now. (The sound of a CURTAIN RISING.) Wait, no, don’t open the curtain! I need more time!
ANNOUNCER
And now, please give a warm welcome to Dr. Josh Amazing!
FLOODLIGHTS flick on. BOOS.
JOSH
Oh. Ah. Hello. Everyone.
Josh is sweating bullets. Deadly silence. An occasional cough.
JOSH
Um. As the omniscient announcey voice said, I’m Dr. Josh Amazing. Or just Josh, if you prefer. Or Joshua, J-Dawg, uh--
HECKLER
You got mail! It says you suck!
JOSH
Okay, haha, I get it. I know many of you are upset by the early release of Auto-Philip. It’s not fun when people say mean things about us, and we see them on our screens. Or hear them in our ear-holes.
The clatter of armor as Frankie and Agnes push into the conference room.
FRANKIE
There he is!
AGNES
It’s started! We’re too late!
JOSH
I’ve heard mean things all my life. “You suck.” “Your inventions suck.” “You’ll never be an awesome T-Rex like your dad.” It’s hard to hear those things. It hurts. But I was used to it. It was different when I heard my sister Frankie say mean things about herself. I wanted to tell her how great she was, but I’m amazing at science, not words. So I invented Auto-Philip, and gave it to the world. What I didn’t realize was that not everyone feels the same way about each other that I do about my sister. A lot of you feel about each other the way my sister feels about herself. Which is sad.
He’s got their attention now.
JOSH
Frankie! Agnes! Is that you I see out there? Come on up here!
AGNES
I don’t think that’s such a good idea--
FRANKIE
Yeah, I don’t know--
JOSH
Everyone clap for Frankie and Agnes!
The AUDIENCE CLAPS as Frankie and Agnes walk on stage.
FRANKIE
Oookay, I guess we’re going on stage.
She and Agnes STEP UP ON THE STAGE.
JOSH
Hi! Thank you. That’s enough applause, okay? So, everyone, this is my sister and my amazing assistant, and today’s incredible invention wouldn’t have been possible without them. Today, I told my sister to think positive. And because of that, she took a risk and did something she’s never done before. And so, I present to you the amazing solution to Auto-Phillip... The Positive Patch!
The sound of a thousand phones receiving an e-mail at the same time fills the convention hall.
JOSH
Check your phones, everyone. You all just got e-mails full of positive thoughts. All the little things you thought went unnoticed, all the nice things people think about you. Thank you, and you’re welcome.
APPLAUSE starts cautiously and then grows thunderous.
JOSH
Wait, you like it? You like me?
But another sounds pierces the applause. The sound of a SCREAMING BABY. Ethel LEAPS ON STAGE, clutching something in a Baby Bjorn.
ETHEL
Not so fast, Josh Amazing! I accuse you, on behalf of Nature’s Children - and of all the children of Mother Earth - of destroying our very building blocks of life. Your vile nanobots are corrupting us from the inside!
A GASP from the audience.
JOSH
That’s not my baby. You can’t sue me for paternity because I’ve never had sex! Ha!
ETHEL
Of course it’s not your baby, you fool. It’s not a baby at all.
TEDDY BRIGHT(in a small baby voice)
It sure as hell is not! It’s me! Teddy Bright!
An even LOUDER GASP from the audience.
JOSH
Teddy? You’re so tiny! Didn’t you use to be... bigger?
TEDDY BRIGHT
I filled my body to the brim with your father’s stupid nanobots! Those evil little robots reversed my cells aging, which was great, but then they didn’t stop, which was terrible! None of my suits fit! I’m wearing a diaper!
ETHEL
Soon you all will look like Teddy Bright! Even now, the nanobots are crawling inside of you, turning back the clock. Very soon we all will revert to helpless babies! That’s what you get for meddling where Nature did not intend! Thus I have exposed the techno-evil of Amazing Labs! My life’s work is complete!
JOSH
Oh no. Oh no, oh no.
FRANKIE
Sacre bleu! Merde!
ETHEL
Ahahaha. Hahahahaa! And none of this would’ve been possible without my assistant and Amazing Labs spy. Say hello, Agnes.
JOSH
Agnes is a what-now?
FRANKIE
Agnes? It’s not true, is it?
AGNES
Frankie... I can explain...
ETHEL
She’s been spying on you since the day you hired her! She’s a brave warrior in the battle for the Earth!
FRANKIE
All this time you’ve been lying to me? You ARE a sludged-up duck!
END OF EPISODE