Episode 7 Transcript — Amy Thorstenson

EPISODE 7 - TRANSCRIPT

INT. STUDIO - NIGHT
MUSIC and APPLAUSE as baby Teddy Bright waddles to his seat.

TEDDY

Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the Teddy Show. I’m your host, Teddy Bright, shining a...

Teddy SIGHS.

TEDDY

Point the camera at my face. Yes, down. Down. There we go. Well, I won’t lie to you all. It’s been a difficult week. Can’t drive my car, can’t buy liquor. I can’t even reach my sock drawer.

The audience LAUGHS.

TEDDY

Is that funny to you? I’ve suffered enough indignities without chafed ankles to the list.

The audience quiets down, afraid to anger Teddy.

TEDDY

I am living proof that the Amazing nanobots are tiny, metallic vampires, draining away our agency, our identity, our very humanity. We can’t survive as a world full of babies. Who will operate heavy machinery? How will we reproduce? Not to mention, bears will have a field day with us. They’ll bounce us around like basketballs. Do you really want to live in a world ruled by bears? (beat) But perhaps there is a microscopic speck of hope. Tonight, against my better judgment, I’m joined by a special guest who insists he has this whole nano-calamity under control. In fact, he’s spent the last week pestering my producers with hundreds of emails, texts, and one very persistent robot chauffeur, begging for a chance to come back on my show and “make things right.” Josh? Show yourself.

One lone trumpet belches an unenthusiastic BLURP. Josh’s shoes SQUEAK as he enters the set.

SILENCE.

JOSH

Heyyy. How’s it goin’ everyone? Teddy. Good to see you again.

TEDDY

Alright, enough small talk, let’s get down to nano talk. The world is on the verge of destruction, Josh. For real-real this time. Tell everyone your plan.

JOSH

My plan.

TEDDY

Yes, your “genius” plan to rid the world of nanobots and save the human race from pudgy-fingered, soggy-bottomed doom. That plan.

JOSH

Right, that plan. Well, see, the thing is... I kinda don’t have one?

CUT TO THEME SONG

INT. STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

TEDDY

... What do you mean you don’t have a plan? Your hundreds of emails and your pushy chauffeur-bot definitely told me that you have a plan.

JOSH

Well it’s... just... the nanobots are multiplying and spreading, kind of like -- well, kind of like cancer. But a nice, well-meaning cancer? They’re just trying to fix us! To make our cells healthier and, well, younger. I guess we just forgot to tell them when to stop.

TEDDY

So tell them now!

JOSH

Yeah, we don’t really… know how.

TEDDY

Josh. You said you had this “under control.” You said that to my producer, Stacy. She’s right over there, the woman with the headset who’s glaring at you. You lied to Stacy?

JOSH

No! Well, kind of. But listen, I can’t get rid of the nanobots, exactly. But I can save us from soggy-bottomed doom. Stacy, could -- could you just play the clip, please?

Cheesy INFOMERCIAL MUSIC plays.

JOSH (on the screen, in a funny NARRATOR VOICE)
So, you’re gonna be a baby again. Yikes. You can’t walk, you can’t chew food, and every time you try to use a toilet, you just fall in.

SPLASHING. A baby CRYING.

JOSH (NARRATOR)

That’s why babies wear diapers. But let’s face it, diapers are gross. Who wants to sit around in their own doo all day?

More babies CRYING.

JOSH (NARRATOR)

Introducing “Adieu-Doo Diapers.” Adieu-Doos are the world’s first self-cleaning diapers! Plus, they smell good! Adieu-Doos mask your poo stench with delightful scents like vanilla sugar, cucumber melon, and pumpkin ennui. Mmmm.

A deep INHALE.

JOSH (NARRATOR)

Adieu-Doo Diapers. Say “Adieu” to your Wee and Doo!

The clip ends. The audience and TEDDY sit in shocked SILENCE.

TEDDY

I’m... speechless.

JOSH

And this is just the beginning! We’re releasing a whole line of Amazing Adult Baby products. Self- driving strollers, binkies that double as vape pens! The possibilities are endless!

TEDDY

Stacy, can I get a light?

Stacy lights TEDDY’s cigarette. He INHALES and EXHALES.

TEDDY

Let me get this straight. You came on my show. The Emmy-award-winning Teddy Show. To advertise... diapers.

JOSH

But -- but these aren’t just any diapers! These are Adieu-Doos! They’re making bathrooms obsolete! I’m wearing one under this suit! I’m relieving myself right now, and you can’t even tell!

GASPS from the audience.

JOSH

I brought enough for the whole audience. Um, look under your seats, everyone!

RUSTLING of diaper packaging and MUTTERING from the audience. JOSH UNZIPS his backpack.

JOSH

And I even brought a custom one for you, Teddy. Look, it has little British flags on it! And it smells like your cologne. Great scent, by the way. So leathery. (beat) Go on, give it a whiff? Please just -- just a tiny whiff?

TEDDY

I don’t want to smell a diaper! I want my body back! I want to grow hair on my legs again! I want my wife to find me sexually attractive!

ANGRY CROWD NOISES.

TEDDY

I ought to kick you square in your diaper-clad rear, you incontinent quack!

The audience JEERS.

JOSH

I’m not incontinent! I choose when and where to soil myself! And I’m not a quack! I’m a real scientist! I’m -- I --

We hear THUMPS as the audience pelts JOSH with Adieu-Doos.

JOSH

Hey! HEY! Please don’t throw -- hey! Please, I’m just trying to h-- OW! Fine, you don’t deserve my diapers! Dr. Josh Amazing, AWAY!

SEATBALT NOISE -- followed by a CRASH and TINKLING of glass.

TEDDY

Stacy, did he just... eject himself from my set? In a SeatBallt?

EXT. CHICAGO - NIGHT

The sound of WIND and distant TRAFFIC NOISES as JOSH drifts high over downtown Chicago. His phone RINGS. JOSH GRUNTS, answers.

JOSH

If you say “I told you so,” I swear I’ll pop this thing on a John Hancock antenna and fall straight to my doom. It’s what I deserve.

FRANKIE

Are you okay?

JOSH

Do I look okay?

FRANKIE

I can’t see you, Josh. This is a phone call. I hope you’ll be drifting home soon, I really need your help.

JOSH

The airspace above Greektown is my home now. Nothing but me, my shame, and the faint smell of flaming cheese.

FRANKIE (with a huff)

Well, that’s just great. Have fun moping around in your cheese air while I single-handedly save humanity. (then) Triple-handedly. (flustered) Quad--whatever. Bye.

She hangs up.

JOSH

Frankie??

EXT. AMAZING LABS - NIGHT
A helicopter CHUFFS above a massive crowd of protesters.

REPORTER

I’m coming to you live from Amazing Labs, where a massive crowd of protestors has gathered after Josh Amazing’s appearance on -- and explosive exit from -- The Teddy Show. Take a listen:

The protestors are CHANTING.

Frankie’s SUIT CLANKS as she approaches a microphone. She CLEARS her throat, taps the mic. FEEDBACK.

FRANKIE

Hi, hello, can you hear me? Hi.

REPORTER

And now it looks like a multi- limbed knight is addressing the protestors from the roof of the lab.

FRANKIE

So, my name’s Frankie. I’m Josh’s sister and I work here too. I don’t get out much for... health reasons.

A helicopter passes by overhead.

FRANKIE

Look, I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. But I want you to know that we’re working day and night to find REAL solutions to the nanobot issue. Do we have the answers yet? Well, no. But are we close? ... also no.

A COUGH from the crowd.

FRANKIE

But this is science we’re talking about, not magic. Science takes trial and error. Observation. Time.

REPORTER

Well folks, I wonder if this four-armed knight realizes that the gathered crowd, and indeed of most of Sheboygan County, cannot speak French.

FRANKIE

Je vous garantie fortement que nous trouverons bientôt le remède!

REPORTER

This may be some kind of performance art. Possibly a threat? I’ve never seen anything like it. Except that time I dropped acid at Medieval Times. (chuckles) That was a weird night.

BOOS and JEERS from the crowd.

Reporter

The crowd is getting restless.

FRANKIE

S'il vous plaît! S'il vous plaît!

ETHEL (through megaphone)

Listen up! This is Nature’s Children! Either Amazing Labs destroys the nanobots by sunrise, or we’re cranking this Gaia- forsaken lab to the ground!

ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS from the crowd.

REPORTER

The foreign knight appears to have given up, and is slowly limping back into the lab.

INT. AMAZING LABS - NIGHT
We hear the faint CHANTS of protesters in the background.

FRANKIE

UGH! It’s like they had no idea what I was even saying.

Metal CLANGS as FRANKIE aggressively sheds her suit of armor. She BREATHES HEAVILY, exhausted from the effort.

FRANKIE

Sunan? We just got an ultimatum.

FRANKIE starts CLANGING around, moving equipment.

FRANKIE

And I’m getting a real “Les Mis” vibe from the crowd out there. We’re gonna need all techs on deck for this EMP.

SUNAN

There are no techs left.

FRANKIE

What do you mean, there are no techs left? What about Jonas?

SUNAN

He quit.

FRANKIE

Alyssa? Billy Bob?

SUNAN

Quit. And Billy Bob is suing you.

FRANKIE

... Great. Well, I still have you! You and I pretty much run this lab anyway, right? Let’s put these extra arms of mine to work.

SUNAN

Frankie...

FRANKIE

Come on, don’t just stand there! Take off your coat and put down your box of personal belongings and help me! (beat) Wait... (panicking) Oh no...

SUNAN

I’m sorry, Miss Amazing.

FRANKIE

Sunan, please, no. You can’t leave.

SUNAN

I’ve been here 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the past 22 years of my life. I put up with your father. I babysat Josh. I cleaned up alpaca poo. So much alpaca poo.

FRANKIE

What if... I can give you a raise! Or... a new title? Lab President? Lab Emperor?

SUNAN

There’s only one thing I want. And that’s to spend a little quality time with my family before we all turn into Boss Babies.

FRANKIE

But we can stop the Boss Baby thing.

SUNAN

Frankie, face it. Your dad created a problem that no one -- not even your dad -- can solve. It’s hopeless. (beat) You should get out while you can.

Frankie is speechless.

SUNAN

Goodbye, Frankie.

The door CLOSES. FRANKIE SIGHS.

FRANKIE

Merde.

A long BEAT. CLICK - her recording device turns on.

FRANKIE

Frankie Amazing, Research Log, Day Twenty-Four. Well... Agnes is a spy. Josh has finally lost it. We’re officially out of employees. And Sunan just severely bummed me out. (beat) But I’m still here. Still sort of functional-ish...

She takes a deep BREATH - which turns into a COUGHING FIT.

FRANKIE

Right. Just hacked up an actual lung. Normal. (beat) So. Attempt number 408 to deactivate the nanobots. A small electromagnetic pulse. If this works, we could create a gigantic EMP by detonating a nuclear warhead in the stratosphere... causing global blackouts, which would lead to economic disaster and probably famine and war. But adult famine and adult war, which at least is better than baby famine and baby war. So we’ll worry about that later. Let’s just see how this goes. In 3, 2, 1...

BZZZZT. Power surge. All the lab’s machinery WHINES to a stop.

FRANKIE

And... there goes the power. That’s

OK, that’s why we have the backup generator.

FRANKIE (CONT’D) Aaaaany second now.

FRANKIE (CONT’D)
Well, peu importe, who needs power?

I’ve got my phone here, I’ll just turn on the flashlight, and... OK, the EMP screwed up my phone too. That’s fine. Just a big, dark, scary lab with thousands of angry protestors outside who want my head on a pike.

She hears a NOISE.

FRANKIE

Alright, don’t panic. That’s probably just a stray alpaca.

ANOTHER NOISE. Closer.

FRANKIE

I’m armed! I have MANY arms! Arrêtez!

The BACKUP GENERATOR finally kicks in. Systems WHIRRING back to life, punctuated by random BEEPS and BLURPS. FRANKIE GASPS as she sees --

AGNES

Um... Surprise!

FRANKIE

AGNES?!

AGNES

Hi.

FRANKIE

HI?!?!

AGNES

Oookay you’re really really mad, not just like, normal mad. That’s fair, I did totally betray you in service of a crank-based cult.

FRANKIE

How’d you get in here?!

AGNES

The Hyperloop tube out back.

FRANKIE

... We have a Hyperloop?

AGNES

Yeah, Josh started building one a few weeks ago. He wanted a direct route to the Qdoba in Sheboygan.

FRANKIE (sotto)

... Thank God we share no DNA.

AGNES

Listen, Frankie, I’m s--

FRANKIE

Are you filming me? Is this all streaming to a TikTok somewhere?

AGNES

I’m telling you, I’m not with them anymore. This sludged-up duck has left the pond. I handed in my golden crank and told Ichabod exactly where he could shove it.

FRANKIE

Look, you wanna snoop around here, document my failures, that’s totally cool--

AGNES

I’m not snoo--

FRANKIE

-- Just admit you’re a spy and stop pretending to be my friend.

AGNES

I’m not pretending! Would you please just listen to me? I wrote a little speech. Just -- can I just do my speech?

FRANKIE

... Fine.

Paper CRINKLES as Agnes unfolds her speech. She CLEARS HER THROAT.

AGNES

I was raised to believe technology is evil. That nothing good could ever come of it. And I believed it! I came here determined to burn this lab to the ground. Metaphorically, of course. Or literally, if the need arose. (beat) And then I met you. Frankie Amazing. And you live up to your name. You love nature documentaries, you love medieval cosplay, you speak fluent French. You’re weird, and wise, and witty, and... wonderful. (beat) And you wouldn’t be here. Without this lab, without technology, you wouldn’t exist. You would just be a pile of rotting limbs in a bunch of separate graves. Sorry that... I should have edited that part out, it’s a little... sorry. Anyway...

She clears her throat again.

AGNES

And I thought to myself, how can technology be so bad? How could I possibly believe that, now that I know you? (beat) I know I hurt you, and Josh, and I’m sorry. I’m here to make things right. I’m here to help. I’ll do anything for you because I love...

The paper CRINKLES.

AGNES

This lab. I love this lab.

Even more CRINKLING as she folds the paper, stuffs it away.

AGNES

Frankie? Please say something. Or at least blink?

FRANKIE

I don’t know what to say.

AGNES

Okay. In like a bad way, or like a good way or--

FRANKIE

I love... this lab... too. And I love it way, way more when you’re here.

AGNES (touched)

Oh. That’s good. Good to hear. Great to hear. Whew!

AGNES RUSTLES AROUND in her bag.

AGNES

I got you something. A little apology gift.

FRANKIE

You didn’t have to do that.

AGNES

Go on, open it. I went to a Brookstone just for you. And also to finally try the massage chairs. Those things are unreal.

CRINKLING of wrapping paper.

FRANKIE

A Bluetooth Shower Radio?

AGNES

...You hate it. Brookstone Toby led me astray.

FRANKIE
No, no— it’s very thoughtful. I’ll think of you every time I shower. (beat) Because I’ll hear the music. Coming from the radio. That you bought me. Is why. Thank you. Tu es plus douce que la brioche.

TRANSLATOR

You are sweeter than highly enriched bread.

AGNES

Oh are you... are you going in for a hug, or...

FRANKIE

Just an arm spasm.

AGNES

Right! Of course.

FRANKIE

But we can hug. I mean, if you want...

AGNES

Oh! Sure. If you want.

They’re in each other’s arms at last. Frankie can’t help but let out a small CONTENTED SIGH.

FRANKIE

It’s really good to have you back.

The sexy music SWELLS.

INT. AMAZING LABS - CONTINUOUS
FRANKIE and AGNES walk through the lab.

FRANKIE

So... I’ve tried everything to kill the nanobots. Here’s the test I did today. I hit these little guys with an EMP. Didn’t do much.

AGNES

Why are they glowing like that?

FRANKIE

UV paint. Makes them easier to track. They’re like bioluminescent phytoplankton. Except, you know, evil.

AGNES

Well, they’re not evil-evil, right?

FRANKIE

They’re about to reverse-age and eventually kill everyone in the world, I’d say that qualifies as “evil-evil.”

AGNES

It’s just that... when I was reading your dad’s notes in the basement-- oh yeah, I read and transcribed your dad’s notes for the cult, sorry about that. But it seemed like his notes were saying that they’re just... too eager, right? They’re trying to fix us, but they’re just taking it way too far.

FRANKIE

Right. They just keep going-- healing tissue, erasing damage, on and on and on until everyone’s a baby and I’m a big human blob.

AGNES

Umm -- wait, kinda lost me there. Why are you a... blob?

FRANKIE

Pretty sure my nanobots are trying to “heal” me by re-growing all 37 people my dad combined to make me.

FRANKIE (CONT'D)

Hence, all these extra arms and legs and internal organs. And apparently trauma just makes them work harder.

I think when I broke all my bones at once helping Josh with the SeatBallt, it kinda... set the whole thing off. In me, I mean. This was always going to happen to everyone eventually.

Frankie COUGHS.

AGNES

And there’s really no way to tell them to stop?

FRANKIE

Dad mentioned something to me about a control center once. Something about Alpha Nanos. I wish I could remember what he said.

An echoing memory of Dad’s voice:

DAD (drunk)

Alpha Nanos. Very important, suuuuper powerful. The thing you must know about them is--

RANDOM FRENCH WOMAN

Marguerite, I love you, I have always loved you.

FRANKIE

Ugh! Marguerite’s torrid love affairs keep getting mixed up with my own memories.

Frankie SIGHS, frustrated.

FRANKIE

Maybe Sunan was right. Maybe this is all just... hippoless.

AGNES

Hippoless?

FRANKIE

Hopeless. Sorry. Just another brain opossum.

AGNES

Your opossums are getting worse, aren’t they?

FRANKIE

No... I’m just tired. I haven’t slept in a week.

AGNES

Maybe we should put some TV on in the background to keep you awake. Maybe some “Pretty Big Oceans”?

FRANKIE

That sounds nice. I’ll grab the bees-- the beakers-- while you put on an episode.

AGNES

We’re gonna figure this out, Frankie. You, me, and the Weedy Sea- Dragons are going... to figure... this out.

EXT. AMAZING LABS - NIGHT
We’re back in the helicopter with the reporter.

REPORTER

Well, folks, it’s 4 AM here at Amazing Labs, and the protests are still going. The protestors tied ropes to the giant statue of Dr. Amazing, and they’re trying to yank it down. Boy, this sure takes me back to my Rumspringa.

ETHEL

Pull!

REPORTER

And... hold on. Something is dropping down from the sky. Is that-

JOSH

LEAVE DAD ALONE!!!!!!

REPORTER

Yes, that appears to be Josh Amazing. Dressed in nothing but a diaper. He’s trying to wrestle the ropes away from some of the protestors, but he may be too--

A horrific SMACK/SHATTER as the statue hits the pavement.

JOSH

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

INT. FRANKIE’S POD - NIGHT
A nature documentary PLAYS on the lab TV.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR

The giant Pacific octopus is a wonder of the sea. With three hearts, one central brain, and eight little brains guiding each tentacle, this complex creature can navigate tricky terrain like no other.

FRANKIE
Agnes, wake up! We fell asleep working!

BANG -- a door bursts open.

AGNES

I’m up! I’m up.

FRANKIE

Josh?

JOSH takes a SWIG of something, let out a relaxed “Ahh.”

JOSH

Yeah.

We hear a piece of statue SKITTER across the floor.

JOSH

That’s all we have left of dad. His toe. And not even the big, good toe. Just a stupid middle one.

FRANKIE

Are you... drunk?

JOSH

Am I? Are you?

FRANKIE

No. I’m not.

JOSH

Ohhhh, Frankie’s got the moral high ground. Shocking. Shocker!!!

FRANKIE

Alright, I can see you’re upset. Just put down the Smirnoff Ice. Let’s take a minute, breathe...

JOSH

Don’t tell me to breathe! You’re not my dentist!

AGNES

I think he’s turning purple...

FRANKIE

Josh, come on.

JOSH

I can’t come on! Everything I do is bad and dumb and wrong. (sobbing) Teddy was so mad. He wouldn’t even smell my diaper. Not even a whiff! (a beat) Wait, why is Agnes the Betrayer here? I thought she was like a tree-hugger mountain lady who hates us.

FRANKIE

Agnes came back to help me with the nanobots. Unlike you.

AGNES

Ooookay team, maybe let’s try to focus on solutions here.

FRANKIE

You never think anything through! You’re so desperate to be a big-shot science hero like dad that you just do the first idiot thing that pops into your mind!

JOSH

That’s not true! I think through a lot of things! I think all day!

FRANKIE

Oh yeah? So, you thoroughly considered the ramifications of trapping people in bubbles? Or destroying the ecosystem? Or letting robo-birds dive-bomb pre-teens at the mall?

JOSH

The pre-teens were barely even injured!

FRANKIE

And who pays the price every single time you have some disastrous idea?

JOSH

Liberty Mutual?

FRANKIE

ME! I take the fall for you. I literally took the fall for you, broke every bone in my body, and now this is how I’m paying for it! I’m speaking French, I’m sprouting all these llamas faster than I can hack them off. A spleen is growing out of my forehead, Josh. (emphasizing) Forehead. Spleen.

JOSH

What does your weird forehead have to do with ME?!

FRANKIE

NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!!

FRANKIE’s words ECHO.

AGNES

Ooookay, I’m gonna go get a juice box from the kitchen for Josh, and a... I guess another juice box, for Frankie? I think we all just need to take a breath and restore our electrolytes and focus on the problem. Try not to kill each other for the next five minutes.

JOSH

No promises.

FRANKIE

You couldn’t kill me if you tried.

AGNES (with a sigh)

I’ll be right back, okay?

Agnes RUNS out of the room.

JOSH

You know what? I get it now. You’re just jealous!

FRANKIE

WHAT???

JOSH

You’re jealous that Dad left the lab to me and not you.

FRANKIE

Oho, is that so?

JOSH

Yeah, that is so!

Frankie is furious.

FRANKIE

You want to know what really happened? The real reason you’re in charge?

JOSH

Sure! Enlighten me!

FRANKIE

Dad just hot-potato’d the lab off to you.

JOSH

He what-potato’d???

FRANKIE

Think about it. Dad knew the nanobots were going to fail. And he knew you’d totally screw up as CEO. So he ran off to get drunk on an island, knowing full well that when the nanobots went berserk, everyone would think you’re the failure instead of him. (icy) And you know what? His plan worked! He really is a genius.

Ouuuuuuuch. A long beat as Josh absorbs this.

A slight BUZZING NOISE can be heard in the background. Gradually growing louder.

JOSH

Wow. Fine. If you hate me and my failure so much, then... I’ll leave. And you can have this stupid potato lab all to yourself. In fact, I’m gonna go find my own island.

FRANKIE

Good!

JOSH

It’ll probably be really hot and scary there, and a volcano will probably erupt on me, and I’ll have to eat a volleyball and grow a beard.

FRANKIE

Make sure to pack plenty of those ridiculous diapers for your trip!

JOSH

Oh, I will! Because they’re actually really practical! This one smells like coconut!

FRANKIE

I’M SOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!

JOSH

I’M RELIEVING MYSELF RIGHT NOW AND YOU CAN’T EVEN TELL!

FRANKIE

THAT’S DISGUSTING!

JOSH

NO, YOU ARE! FISH YOU!!!

FRANKIE

NON FISH VOUS!!!!

Josh leaves -- SLAMMING the door behind him. Agnes re-enters through a different door.

AGNES

I’ve got juice boxes! Wait, where’d Josh go? Also, whoa, what is going on with the nanobots?

FRANKIE

Quoi?

AGNES

Look, the nanobots. They’re going crazy.

The BUZZING gets louder.

FRANKIE

Holy carp. I’ve never seen them swarm like that.

She TAPS on the glass. They BUZZ in response.

FRANKIE

The EMP did something after all. They’re in distress.

AGNES

Is that bad?

FRANKIE

No. This is good. This is potentially very, very good. If that tiny EMP did this, then a bigger one might knock them out completely. If we rewire Josh’s electrospock... electrosnock... electroshock therapy device, we might just pull this off.

AGNES

Are you okay? You’re shaking and perspiring like, a lot.

CLANGS of glass and metal. Something SHATTERS.

FRANKIE

Sheep! Stupid elbows.

AGNES

Can I help? I want to help.

FRANKIE

... You’re sure you want to touch all this evil tech stuff?

AGNES

I’m sure. Let’s do some evil! I mean, some science!

FRANKIE

Alright... we’re gonna need the soldering iron, the wire strippers, the power saw, a hydraulic bender --

AGNES

Uh... uh huh yeah... I know what all of that is, mmhmm.

FRANKIE

-- a handful of micropipettes, and a box of raspberry macarons. Allons-y!

TRIUMPHANT FRENCH MUSIC plays - something Les Mis-esque.

INT. JOSH’S OFFICE - NIGHT

Josh PACES in his office.

JOSH

Dolores, take a memo.

DOLORES

Hello Josh. You’re right.

JOSH

Dear Frankie -- or should I say, NOT dear Frankie. You’re mean and you made me hate doing science. I’m going to go live a quiet life in the South Pacific. Somewhere Teddy Bright’s videos are blocked on YouTube.

JOSH SNIFFLES.

JOSH

Looks like it’s just you and me, Dolores. Dolores?

Suddenly, a CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY sparks.

JOSH

Now what the fish is Frankie doing?

DOLORES (garbled)

Hello Josh. Hello Josh.

JOSH (yelling out)

Frankie! Stop playing with electricity! You’re frying my girlfriend!

DOLORES (even more garbled)

Hello Josh. Youu’re riiiiiighhhht.

Dolores, fried by the EMP, lets out a SAD DYING ROBOT SOUND.

JOSH

Dolores? Dolores no!

JOSH SOBS, completely alone.

INT. FRANKIE’S POD - NIGHT
A TRIUMPHANT SONG plays from the Bluetooth speaker.

FRANKIE

Frankie Amazing, Research Log, Day Twenty-Four, Part 2. Experiment 408 had a delayed effect on the bonobos. Nano-nos. Na. No. Bots! We’re testing a larger EMP to see if that will fry their circuitry. Here we go. In 3... 2... 1. (calls out) Hit the button, Agnes!

AGNES

With pleasure!

Beat.

FRANKIE

Did you hit it? We should have seen like a giant arc of blue lightning come down from that part up there.

AGNES

Yeah there’s... definitely not lightning of any size or color. Should I adjust the amplitude?

Frankie SIGHS.

FRANKIE

Maybe it’s jammed. I’m gonna check.

AGNES

Do you need me to help, or...

FRANKIE

Just -- hold the Labrador?

AGNES

The-- oh, the ladder. Let me do it, you shouldn’t be up on a ladder in your condition.

FRANKIE

But you don’t know how to fix it. It’ll be fine, I’ll just--

CLANGS of Frankie lumbering up the ladder. She SLIPS.

FRANKIE

Whoops! Can’t keep track of all these feet. And this spleen’s kind of blocking my peripheral venison. It’s fine. Fine I’m. I’m. I’m.

Frankie BREATHES heavily.

AGNES

Frankie...

FRANKIE

No, right it’s all. Je vais bien. Just gonna -- just check part this here right, see, erehw...

AGNES

What???

FRANKIE

Neib is sap snes em en ej...

BZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTT! The horrifying electric sound of lightning STRIKING Frankie.

AGNES

FRANKIE!!!!!!!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT. FRANKIE’S JAR - FLASHBACK

MUFFLED NOISES. A machine HUMMING. Intermittent BEEPING. A distant voice getting louder and clearer, but they still sound a bit like they’re coming from underwater.

DAD

She’s awake. She’s truly awake. Marvelous... Simply marvelous. Where’s the eggnog?

Eggnog is POURED into a glass.

DAD

And my celebration tunes? I can’t rejoice without my steel drums.

A Calypso version of the Happy Birthday song plays.

DAD

Delightful! Cheers, Sunan. To the Alpha Nanos. To victory. And to me. Mostly to me.

SUNAN

Cheers.

DAD

To...

SUNAN (monotone, one breath)

To the Alpha Nanos to victory and to you mostly to you.

DAD (chuckles)

I’m just the best.

Their glasses CLINK. Dad SLURPS eggnog. TAPS on FRANKIE’s jar.

DAD

Welcome to the world, Experiment 5872. It’s big and loud and full of simple people and complicated tax forms. You probably can’t hear me, as you’re still just a brain in a jar, but don’t fret... one day you’ll have ears and eyes and an abundance of orifices, just like the rest of us. (aside) How are we doing on those corpse donations, by the way?

SUNAN

Coming along. Freezer’s almost full. I had to toss some Bagel Bites to make room for a femur.

DAD (hurt)

Sunan. Never toss the Bites without consulting me first. We’ve discussed this.

SUNAN

Sorry sir.

RING RING. A phone rings in another room.

SUNAN

I’ll uh, get that.

DAD

Good! I’ll just be here, basking in my glory.

SUNAN

Um, it’s the Long John Silver’s in Menomenee Falls. They said you left your son at the restaurant and... he appears to be scarred for life.

DAD

What son?

SUNAN

You only have the one, sir.

DAD

Well tell them I’m a LIFE CREATOR and I’m too busy to deal with my son at the moment!

SUNAN

... Oookay, I’ll pass that along.

DAD (calling out)

And could you put in an order for an Alaskan pollock platter while you’re at it? I’m famished.

Dad CRANKS UP THE MUSIC.

DAD

Happy genius day to me, happy genius day to me...

INT. LAB - DAWN
Frankie GASPS awake. COUGHS.

JOSH

Frankie! Oh thank God.

AGNES

Frankie!

JOSH

You’re alive! You’re not dead!

FRANKIE

Wha... I was just... eggnog....

JOSH

Oh no. She’s braindead. Damn it!

Josh PUNCHES the wall.

AGNES

She’s in shock. Give her a second.

FRANKIE

What happened?

AGNES

You got a little bit hit by lightning and fell off the ladder. But Josh saved you with this crazy device he invented!

JOSH

It’s a defibrillator. It’s actually a standard lab safety device.

AGNES

If we make it out of this, I’m adding safety meetings to the company handbook.

FRANKIE (coming to)

Why... why am I covered in diapers?

JOSH

Turns out the Adieu-Doos make excellent bandages.

FRANKIE

Ew...

JOSH

Don’t worry, they’re clean. Are you okay? Does your head hurt? How many fingers am I holding up?

FRANKIE

... 5872.

JOSH

What? No, that’s super wrong. It’s three.

FRANKIE

No. Experiment 5872. That’s my real name. Not Frankie, not Miss Amazing. Experiment 5872. That’s all I ever was. Just a lab rat for dad’s stupid nanobears. Nano-- whatever. He never cared about me. Or what they’d do to me. He didn’t even bother to name me.

She SNIFFLES.

JOSH

You know, dad didn’t name me either.

FRANKIE

... He didn’t?

JOSH

Nope. And if Mom gave me a name before she left, nobody bothered to tell me about it. So I named myself after Josh Groban when I was four.

FRANKIE

Oh. Wait, why?

JOSH

He’s a beautiful man with golden vocal chords.

FRANKIE

Je vois.

A pause. Frankie COUGHS.

JOSH

Frankie... After our fight, I was sending you some hate mail and... I read the rest of your giant Auto-Phillip message. Even the math parts. (beat) I had no idea how much the nanobots have been hurting you. How scared you’ve been. How many power saws you’ve gone through cutting off extra limbs. And you’re right. I just ignored it because it wasn’t about me. (beat) You’re the most important thing in the world to me, you know. Way more important than my inventions, or Teddy Bright’s approval, or dad’s toe. And... I’m really, really sorry for letting you down.

FRANKIE

I’m sorry, too. For calling your ideas stupid. (she chuckles weakly) I’m really gonna miss you when I’m an unthinking, unfeeling blob of human tissue.

JOSH

That is not going to happen. We’re going to figure this out.

FRANKIE (with a sigh)

I think Dad left because he couldn’t figure it out. And if he couldn’t, then...

JOSH

I don’t care what Dad could or couldn’t do. He couldn’t even name us. And there’s like a billion baby name websites out there. It’s the main function of the internet. (beat) We can do this. We have to do this. Because I can’t lose my sister.

FRANKIE

Josh... Merci.

JOSH

Come on, group hug. Agnes? Get in here, you little Benedict. Mm, Eggs Benedict.

As they hug, the BUZZING of nanobots in the background slows.

AGNES

Uhhhhhhh Josh? Frankie? Look.

Agnes gets up and TAPS on the container full of nanobots.

AGNES

They stopped! They stopped swarming! They stopped moving! They’re dead! It worked!

JOSH

Heyyyyy! Alright!

AGNES

It worked, Frankie! The blue lightning thing worked!

JOSH

I’ll get to work on a giant EMP explosion right now!

AGNES

That’s a terrifying sentence! But I love it!

Josh and Agnes dance around to JOYFUL MUSIC from the Bluetooth speaker. Frankie is silent.

AGNES

Frankie? Come on, dance with us!

JOSH

She can’t. She’s got two left feet. Sorry, sorry! I had to.

Echoes of voices start to fade in and out.

SUNAN

... Not even your dad could solve.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR

Many arms... with one central brain...

DAD

To the Alpha Nanos. To victory. And to me! Mostly to me.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR

With one central brain...

FRANKIE

It wasn’t the EMP.

Josh and Agnes stop the music.

JOSH

What? What do you mean?

FRANKIE

It was ME.

The pieces are all fitting together.

FRANKIE

All of the nanobots in the world descended from the nanobots inside my brain. The Alpha Nanos. And... I think I can control them.

The lab ALARMS start BLARING.

JOSH

WHAT NOW??!

EXT. AMAZING LABS - DAY

For a moment, it’s peaceful. BIRDS SING. Then, a heavy metallic THUD. THUD.

REPORTER

Well, the sun is up, the ultimatum has passed, and the protestors are using the statue of Dr. Amazing as a battering ram and--

REPORTER

Trying to break down the main door! I’ve never seen anything like this, folks! A truly Amazing sight!

ETHEL

KILL ALL AMAZINGS! HEAVE!

THUD-CRASH.

END OF EPISODE