EPISODE 8 - TRANSCRIPT

EXT. AMAZING LABS - DAY PANDEMONIUM.

PROTESTERS

NOT SO AMAZING! NOT SO AMAZING!

CLANGING and BANGING as the protesters hurl objects at Amazing Labs.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

This is Teddy Bright with a rare live appearance, and believe me when I tell you it's for good reason. I've just arrived at Amazing Labs, where a group of riled-up protesters has broken through the front door. (then) Excuse me, sir? Can you tell me what you hope to accomplish with your protest here today?

PROTESTER

Get that devil device out of my face!

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

The microphone?

PROTESTER

Baby blasphemer!!!

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Oookay. Friendly crowd. It appears that the denizens of Amazing Labs have lowered some sort of blast door inside the lobby. Many of the protesters out here tell me they belong to a group called "Nature's Children," and are armed with literal sticks and stones. So we're in for a treat as we watch them try to figure out how to progress further inside.

A WINDOW OPENS above.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Hold on, something's happening. A head is poking out of an upper window. And don’t worry, it appears to be attached to a body. For now anyway.

AGNES (shouting from above)

Hi! Hi, everyone. Ethel, Ichabod, Malachai, nice of you all to stop by. Some of you know me as the Outcast Agnes the Irredeemable, Friend to Devices, or Sludged-Up Duck.

Angry SCREAMS from the protesters. Someone SHOUTS --

SOMEONE / SOMEONE ELSE

Digital demon!! Fiddler!!! Jerk!!!

AGNES (shouting from above)

I get that you're scared! I'm scared, too. But the people inside this building are the only ones who can, y'know, stop the techno- armageddon we’ve all been afraid of. Ask yourself... is it more important to be right, or to be part of the solution? I know you hate the Amazings and everything they stand for, but I’m telling you, Josh and Frankie are trying to save us. So please don’t burn them alive in a prison of their own making, at least for a little while longer? Thank you! Uh, blessings of the crank to you and yours. Again, please don’t kill us. Okay bye!

INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY
The WINDOW SLAMS SHUT. Some SHUFFLING.

AGNES

Hooooo boy. They are... not happy.

JOSH

Did you buy us a few minutes, at least? Please give me good news. I need good news so bad right now.

AGNES

Well, I can tell you that it's not only Nature's Children out there.

JOSH

How is it good news that more people hate me?

AGNES

I'm just trying to look at the bright side! But I should let you know that it took weeks of getting to know you personally for me to realize that maybe using a crank- powered device to murder you slowly was not the best way to honor Mother Earth.

A pause. An audible SWALLOW from Josh.

JOSH

So... is that the good news?

CUT TO THEME SONG
INT. AMAZING LABS - DAY

The distant DIN of the protesters clanging on the blast doors. The CLICK-CLACK of a keyboard.

FOOTSTEPS as Agnes approaches.

AGNES

Anything?

JOSH

I'm trying to get into Dad's encrypted files. Maybe there's something in there that can actually tell us how to take control of the Alpha Nanos.

AGNES

Let's take a look... A, A, S, J, F, semicolon, A, S, F... Josh, this isn't code. These are random keys from the middle of your keyboard.

JOSH

Pshh. Like you know anything about code.

AGNES

I know it usually has more ones and zeroes in it.

COUGHING echoes in the lab.

AGNES

Frankie? Frankie, are you okay?

Her LIMPING FOOTSTEPS approach.

AGNES

Frankie, no, you shouldn't be trying to walk with so many... elbows.

FRANKIE

I'm fine. Totally ordinaire. I scraped one of my knees, but I've got lots of spares now.

AGNES

Stop over-exerting yourself. Josh and I are handling it. We'll have everything fixed up in no time. Promise.

FRANKIE
You are definitely not -- (cough) -- handling it. The Alpha Nanos... um... something... Mon dieu, que tu es belle.

TRANSLATOR

My God, you are pretty.

JOSH

Focus! We all know Agnes is pretty--

AGNES

Awww, Frankie --

JOSH

But right now we need to know about the Alpha Nanos!

FRANKIE

Okay. We know they're in my brain.

JOSH

And we know that they're called the Alpha Nanos.

AGNES

And your dad's notes said they can control the other nanos.

JOSH

Dad's notes say a lot of things.

FRANKIE

So. That's it. Impasse.

TRANSLATOR

Dead end.

AGNES

We can't just give up. Come on, you’ve found uses for every other disastrous thing you’ve invented, right? There must be a way to use them!

JOSH

There must be? There must be? Like nanos must be a good thing cause they cured cancer and I must be a genius cause I’m his son? Maybe there isn't a fix for this at all! Maybe we're just screwed! Doomed to forever doodie in our own pants and get easily overpowered by hungry coyotes!

FRANKIE

Josh, ta gueule.

TRANSLATOR

Josh, shut up.

FRANKIE

Listen. Josh. You're dumb. Like, catastrophically, world- historically stupid.

JOSH

You're really bad at pep talks.

FRANKIE

You're so incredibly stupide you don't even realize how brilliant you are. Your insecurities keep holding you back from being the genius you really could be. You don't need Dad. You just need your brain to shut up.

Another beat. Agnes and Josh clearly think there's more to Frankie's message here, but...

JOSH

Oh, that's it?

FRANKIE

I hadn't landed on a thesis statement.

AGNES

No, no, she’s right! Frankie's broken, Sunan and all the techs are gone, and I'm still on Science 101. You're the only person right now who might be able to solve this. We just need to get rid of your, um, inability to differentiate between good ideas and bad ideas.

FRANKIE

Your dumb filter.

JOSH

I'm feeling very attacked right now.

A CLICK as Agnes snaps her fingers.

AGNES

I’ve got it! Auto-Phillip!

JOSH

No. No way. Last time we released Auto-Phillip I almost got tried at the Hague.

FRANKIE

One more time, shut up, Josh. Just listen to her. Listen to Agnes.

AGNES

Thanks, Frankie. Auto-Phillip cuts to our core essences, right? And Josh, your core essence is... a genius. It'll slice right through all your Daddy issues and help you figure this out!

JOSH

I don't have -- okay, maybe that one's fair.

FRANKIE

It's worth a shot.

CLICK-CLACK on a keyboard again.

AGNES

I'll get it set up. Luckily, I learned how to send an email last week. Josh, what's your password?

JOSH

That's private informa -- oh, right. You need to feed Auto- Phillip all my correspondences. It's um... (deep breath) It's "password."

AGNES

Seriously?

JOSH

Then a 1, a 2, and a 3. Don’t tell anyone.

FRANKIE

Mon dieu.

TRANSLATOR

My God.

AGNES

Oookay... password123.

CLICK-CLICK-CLACK.

AGNES

Annnd... wow. Lotta correspondence with Comcast in here.

JOSH

I'm in a blood feud with Nigel in tech support.

AGNES

We got hate mail, hate mail, hate mail, hate mail --

JOSH

Just -- shift click! You don't need my life story!

AGNES

Whoa, shift-click. Nice tip.

CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

AGNES

Auto-Phillip, do your thing.

SILENCE, except the incessant distant sound of RIOTING. Agnes SIGHS.

FRANKIE

Anybody else smell creme brulee?

EXT. AMAZING LABS - EVENING

The RIOTING sounds are louder as we're back outside with Teddy Bright.

TEDDY BRIGHT

Folks, the day is getting long, but the crowd isn't getting any less angry. I can't see much because I have the body of a 2-year-old and I’m currently stuck in a pram, but from what I can tell, the impregnable nature of the fortress that is Amazing Labs is just making these people even more furious. No surprise, considering that literally 100% of our viewers think that Josh Amazing should be in prison. That's right Josh! You finally did something right: you've united all of humanity!

INT. AMAZING LABS - THAT MOMENT
The RIOTING noises are still audible. Josh SIGHS.

JOSH

How much longer will this take?

AGNES

I don't know. Looks like you have a lot of stuff to go through.

JOSH

Anyone who says inbox zero is an achievable goal is a liar.

A CRASH of breaking glass in the distance.

JOSH

You okay over there? Frankie?

No answer from Frankie.

JOSH

Frankie? Hey, Frankie!

AGNES

Frankie, wake up!

FRANKIE

Je vais manger ta peau, diable!

TRANSLATOR

I'll eat your skin, you devil!

AGNES

Uh, are you okay?

FRANKIE

Oui. I'm fine.

JOSH

They're getting through the doors. We have to hurry.

As if on cue -- BEEP BEEP. The computer finishes running its Auto-Phillip program. The sound of a PRINTER running.

AGNES

It's done!

JOSH

Finally! What's it say?

AGNES (skimming the document)

P.S.... There's an awful lot in here railing against Comcast...

JOSH

That tracks.

AGNES

Hmm... some plans for murdering Teddy Bright... bit of an Oedipal thing going on there.

FRANKIE

Évidemment.

TRANSLATOR

Obviously.

AGNES

Okay, here! Nanobots.

Agnes MUMBLES to herself as she reads Auto-Phillip's results.

AGNES

Huh.

JOSH

What? What is it?

AGNES

Apparently somewhere in your subconscious you think that Frankie herself can actually control the Alpha Nanos. Which... makes sense, right? Frankie, you remember when you got really mad and then the nanobots all gave us the finger?

JOSH

They did what now?

AGNES

Never mind. This also suggests having Frankie use the Alpha Nanos to reprogram all the regular nanos.

JOSH

Yeah? Keep going! Reprogram them to do what?

AGNES

To destroy themselves.

JOSH

Self-destruct! Yes! Why didn't I think of that?

AGNES

I mean, you kind of did!

Frankie COUGHS.

FRANKIE

I... I don't know how to use the Alpha Nanos, though.

AGNES

You did it once, Frankie. I'm sure you can do it again.

FRANKIE

But that was... it was like, a reflex.

AGNES

Hey. You'll figure it out when we get there, okay? I'm sure of it.

FRANKIE (deep breath)

Okay. So I reprogram some of the manatees to destroy each other?

AGNES

I think you mean nanobots, but yes.

JOSH

Just a bunch of kill-bots buzzing around out there, I like it!

AGNES

It works in theory, but what if they decide to start destroying other stuff too? Like, people? Seems like the kind of thing that might happen, based on precedent.

FRANKIE

We need a kill switch.

JOSH

What?

Frankie's fading pretty hard now. The words are coming out unevenly, almost like she's glitching.

FRANKIE

Reprogram... so they self- dedestruct. After destroying the otters. We have to -- we have to destroy them all. Even the ones -- in me. Can't have any... left.

Frankie gives one last GASP before passing out again.

AGNES

Frankie?

JOSH

She's out again. I think it takes a lot of effort for her to make sense.

AGNES

She's not going to last much longer. We have to hurry.

JOSH

Okay, so. We reprogram some of the nanobots to go out and destroy their friends. We put in a kill switch so the kill- bots kill themselves after killing all the other bots. Which means we have to...

AGNES

... destroy the Alpha Nanos.

JOSH

That keep Frankie's brain alive.

A heavy silence. The only sound is that of a distant GIANT CRANK turning as the protesters try some new tactic outside.

A tiny SOB from Agnes.

AGNES

No. No way. I'm not doing it.

JOSH

I don't want to either. But who knows what else these things are capable of? I'm pretty sure Frankie will kill us if we don't destroy them.

A tiny, sad CHUCKLE from Agnes.

JOSH

It's what she'd want.

AGNES (sniffling)

Yeah.

JOSH

Unless...

A beat. Then --

AGNES

Unless what?

JOSH

Maybe once the Alpha Nanos are destroyed, Frankie's brain won't stop functioning right away. Right? This is all happening to her because those little demon-bots are on the fritz anyway. So if there's a tiny window of time...

AGNES

We could save her brain!

JOSH

Ooh, we still have her brain jar and everything! And it has glow-in- the-dark stickers, which, I mean I don’t know for sure that’ll help, but it can’t hurt, right?

AGNES

And then we can build her a new body!

JOSH

One with fewer knees and elbows!

AGNES

Josh Amazing, you are a genius.

A COUGH from Frankie. She's been waking up as they talk.

FRANKIE

It -- (COUGH) It could work. Just... please make sure I'm not conscious. I can’t go there again, you don’t understand how terrifying it is to be a conscious brain in a jar.

AGNES

Don't worry. I have some laudanum from Nature's Children. I'll sprinkle some on your brain every day to keep you nice and sedated.

FRANKIE

Thank you. I think? This is weird.

AGNES

Extremely.

FRANKIE

But you're still missing something.

JOSH

We are?

FRANKIE

How do I actually do the reprogramming part?

A pause. Everyone's thinking so hard we can almost hear it.

JOSH

When you got those other nanos to flip me off, you had a whole bunch in once place and directed your energy toward them, right?

FRANKIE

My rage, but yeah.

JOSH

So we need to collect another critical mass of them, and then you just channel your rage. Think about something that makes you really mad. Like Dad. Or me.

AGNES

How do we collect a bunch of microscopic, free-floating robots?

FRANKIE

Josh... your Smog... Butters.

JOSH

The Smog Suckers? That would work! I mean... could work. But...

AGNES

You'd take the scents out first.

JOSH

Okay, then it could definitely work.

AGNES

All right. Are we ready to do this?

JOSH

Ready.

Another CRASH of breaking glass, and this time the sound of the protesters gets LOUDER. They've breached the lab.

AGNES

I think the angry mob just broke through the blast doors.

EXT. AMAZING LABS - NIGHT

SCREAMS and SHOUTS of protesters as they assault the lab. We're back outside with Teddy, reporting live.

TEDDY BRIGHT

Folks, this is Teddy Bright, continuing with a very special live broadcast from Amazing Labs, where anti-technology protesters have just used a crank-powered battering ram to shatter a seemingly bulletproof window. I've never seen anything like it. They now seem to be dismantling said battering ram to build a ladder so they can climb through said window. It's an awe inspiring and frankly terrifying sight.

INT. AMAZING LABS - NIGHT

CLANK, CLANK, CLANK. The sounds of someone working on machinery. Protesters can be heard SHOUTING in the background.

AGNES

Oh, duck. I think I have to go back out there. Someone has to head them off.

JOSH

Has anyone ever told you that you’re really good in a crisis? Hey, maybe you should be in charge.

AGNES

We can talk about this after I talk down the angry mob and we save the world, okay?

JOSH

Right. Good point. See, leadership skills!

AGNES

Later, Josh!

Agnes' FOOTSTEPS recede into the distance. CLANK, CLANK, CLANK.

JOSH

Okay. Okay, I think that should do it. Smog Sucker, work!

CLICK. He turns it on. An ENGINE hums. The sucking mechanism kicks in...

JOSH

Yes! It's working.

FRANKIE

Bon travail, Josh. I knew you'd -- (COUGH COUGH) -- figure it goat.

JOSH

I guess I’m not such a bad kid after all, huh? Get it, kid? Cause you said goat? (no response) Well, you’d think it was funny if you weren’t dying.

The ENGINE gets louder.

JOSH

Alright, let's send these guys off to collect some nanos. Fly, my pretties!

The ENGINE sounds peak, then fade into the distance as the Smog Suckers fly away.

Near SILENCE. Just the distant, dialed-down PROTESTERS shouting.

JOSH

And now... we wait. Worst case scenario, none of this works and the angry mob murders us and everyone in the world turns into babies. Best case scenario, this does work and we have to put your brain in a jar.

FRANKIE (coughing)

Now who’s bad at inspirational speeches?

JOSH

What I mean is... this might be my last chance to say this to you, so, here it goes. ... I'm sorry, Frankie. I'm sorry for messing everything up. At every single turn. I'm sorry for making everything worse every time I try to do anything right.

FRANKIE

Josh. (COUGH) You didn't do this. Dad did. He built the nanobots in the first place. He left us to fend for ourselves. He refuses to come back and clean up his mess -- (COUGH) This is all Dad's fault. And guess what? You're the one fixing it. Boy genius.

JOSH

WE are the ones fixing it. We're the boy genius. Well, you know what I mean.

FRANKIE

I bet together, we're even smarter than Dad.

JOSH (unsure)

Yyyeah. Maybe.

He thinks about it, gaining confidence.

JOSH

Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I bet we are. Alexa, take a voice memo! (he clears his throat) Dear Dad. Thanks a lot for sticking me and Frankie with your lame and NOT AT ALL AMAZING mess. But joke’s on you, cause we fixed it! Or, at least, we’re trying to fix it. But we’re trying to fix it TOGETHER. So I hope you’re having a good time on your stupid island and I hope you never come back. FISH... YOU!

There’s a DRAMATIC MOMENT OF PAUSE. Then:

ALEXA

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

JOSH

Nooo, my impassioned speech!

FRANKIE

It’s okay, you can record it again later if we don’t die. And... merci. You’re a good brother.

JOSH

And a good scientist?

FRANKIE

I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

Running FOOTSTEPS as Agnes returns.

JOSH

Agnes? What's going on? What's that on your clothes, is that blood?

AGNES

It's hand-crank oil. I'm locking us in, they're coming.

A PNEUMATIC DOOR SLAMS shut with a BEEP.

AGNES

Smog Suckers?

JOSH

On their way back, full of nanobots.

AGNES

Frankie?

FRANKIE

Ready to-- (cough) Roll.

AGNES

Great.

The ENGINE HUM returns and gets louder as the Smog Suckers begin to return.

AGNES

Okay, Frankie. Just concentrate and channel your feelings.

FRANKIE

It’s not working!

AGNES

Josh, she needs more rage! Try to provoke her!

JOSH

How?

AGNES

It’s never been a problem before! ... Oh, I know! Try mentioning all of your failed inventions!

JOSH

Oh, oh! Good idea! Uh, SeatBallt! Smog Suckers! Bye Bye Birdies! Auto- Phillip! Adieu-Doos!

FRANKIE

Ca marche! Je me caribou...

TRANSLATOR

It’s working! I am caribouing.

AGNES

I think she means she’s concentrating.

The three of them go quiet for a moment. In the background, we can hear the cultists PROTESTING --

PROTESTERS

Crank it down! Crank it down! Crank it down!

JOSH

How's it coming? Frankie? (no answer) Frankie?

AGNES

Quiet, she's still concentrating!

JOSH

Sorry for being worried!

AGNES

I'm worried too! We're all worried!

JOSH (angry)

Don't shout at me!

AGNES (even angrier)

I'm sorry! This is a very high pressure situation! I appreciate everything you’ve done!

JOSH (yelling)

I appreciate you too!

FRANKIE (weak)

I think... I'm done.

JOSH

Oh, cool. Did it work?

FRANKIE

Je ne sais pas. I hope so?

AGNES

What about the kill switch?

FRANKIE

If it works, the re-programming will reach critical mass and spread across the world in 12 hours. All nanobots will self-destruct in 24.

JOSH

If it works.

FRANKIE

Oui.

JOSH

Welp... let's let 'em go, I guess. In three, two, one...

Sound of a BUTTON being pressed. The ENGINE HUM again, this time accompanied by a BLOWING sound like a vacuum in reverse as the Smog Suckers spit out their cargo.

AGNES

Huh. Kinda thought there would be more fanfare.

JOSH

They're tiny invisible robots. I bet it would've looked awesome through a microscope, though. Ooh, or if we were tiny too, like a Honey I Shrunk The Lab thing.

AGNES

What??

Another PAUSE.

PROTESTERS (distant)

Crank it down! Crank it down!

FRANKIE

Agnes, Josh?

JOSH/AGNES

Yeah?

FRANKIE

It’s time.

A heavy silence this time. Even the sound of the PROTESTERS seems quieter.

FRANKIE

There's a bonesaw in that drawer behind me.

AGNES

Frankie...

FRANKIE

We have to do it. I could accidentally destroy everything.

Sound of a DRAWER opening. Metal tools CLINK and CLANK.

A beat.

JOSH

Found the saw.

AGNES

Can I do it? It’s finally something, you know, analog. In my wheelhouse. (she laughs sadly) But mostly I just... I want to make sure she hurts as little as possible.

JOSH

Here. I’m not great in high- pressure situations anyway.

Josh has handed Agnes the saw. A beat.

AGNES

Will this hurt?

FRANKIE

I don't actually know. I can’t feel much right now.

AGNES

If it does, I'm sorry.

FRANKIE

Ça va.

AGNES

By the time we get you new body, maybe there'll be a new season of “Our Technically Still Living Planet.”

FRANKIE

I can't wait.

We hear Agnes take a DEEP BREATH, then -- The sound of the BONESAW working away at Frankie's skull.

JOSH

I’m gonna miss you, sis. And I promise I’ll bring you back.

FRANKIE

As soon as--

JOSH

As soon as responsibly possible. And no consciousness inside the jar. Does... does that hurt?

FRANKIE

Kinda tickles. Tick-tick-ticktick-tick-tick-tick-tickle-tick-ticktick- tickle-tick --

SMOOCH. Agnes interrupts Frankie's last firing neurons with a big ol' smooch.

AGNES

I love you, Frankie.

FRANKIE

Tickles you, too.

More SAWING. A SNIFFLE from Agnes.

AGNES

Where -- where am I putting this brain when I'm done?

JOSH

Oh, I grabbed her jar and some... fluid. No idea what it is but I found it in a box labeled "Brain Stuff.”

Another beat. We hear the PROTESTERS --

PROTESTERS

Crank it down! Crank it down!

JOSH

What do we do about them?

AGNES

I'll handle it. Just as soon as we're finished here.

JOSH

Okay. Whew, I don’t feel so good. All this brain sawing is starting to make me a little woozy.

AGNES

It’s fine, just sit down, Josh. I’ve got this. ... I think it’s all finally gonna be okay.

The SAWING sound fades away as we hit the --

TAG
INT. THE TEDDY SHOW - NIGHT
The TEDDY SHOW THEME SONG plays. APPLAUSE.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Good evening and welcome to The Teddy Show! We're very happy to be back in our studio tonight with a very special guest. That's right, it's the man with the plan, the plan that actually worked this time, Josh Amazing!

APPLAUSE all around. Even a few CHEERS.

JOSH

Wow. Not used to that kind of reception around here.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Nor should you be. You've done terrible things. But I asked you here tonight to talk about a good thing you did: you found a way to destroy the nanobots and stop the end of civilization as we know it. From the bottom of my tiny, baby- sized heart, thank you.

JOSH

Uh, you're welcome. But really, it was a team effort. I couldn’t have done it alone.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

So tell us, what's next for Josh Amazing?

JOSH

Well, first I have to bring my sister Frankie back. That's gonna be a whole thing. I also have to re-dictate a very strongly worded letter to my dad. But beyond that, Amazing Labs has done some... corporate restructuring. After some deep post-crisis reflection, I’ve realized that I’m more of an Ideas Guy and less of a... Running Companies Guy. So I’m pleased to officially announce that the newest CEO of Amazing Labs is our very own Agnes Green!

APPLAUSE all around.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Sounds like some good decisions all around. Heavens know you shouldn’t be in charge of anything, am I right?

The APPLAUDS AGAIN.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

But what we really want to know is, what incredible inventions are you working on now?

JOSH

I dunno. After I re-animate my Frankensister, maybe I'll figure out a way to undo the reverse aging thing?

BIG APPLAUSE for that one.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

That would be great. My tiny arms can't even pull my pants up after I go boom-boom in the big boy toilet.

AWWWW's from the audience.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Not that I'm complaining! Seriously Josh, we're all so happy you got rid of the nanos. We're barely even mad that cancer is back!

APPLAUSE from the crowd.

JOSH

Glad to hear it. Sorry again. And don’t worry, we’re still Amazing Labs. Which means we’ll be bringing some incredible new inventions to the world before you know it. I have three, possibly four words for you: pumpkin spice jet pack.

TEDDY BRIGHT (BABY)

Sounds exciting. I think I speak for everyone when I say we can’t wait to see what’s next.

JOSH

Me neither, Teddy. Trust me, it’ll be... Amazing.

END OF SEASON ONE